Monthly Archives: January 2010

happy together

My first example of a happy marriage started off, well at the beginning.  My parents, married right out of high school, first love, still married and in love 47+ years later.  Great example right, so. . . what the heck happened to me?

Here I am at 46, still trying to figure this all out.  I didn’t come from a horrible, broken family.  My family was small but solid.  So why at the age when hormones were raging did I basically proclaim to God, Universe, Angels, or whoever was up there listening, “I’m never getting married!”

I’ve been close  a few times, but because of the whole self fulfilling prophecy thing, I’ve always managed to pick the guys who I seemed to want to marry but for some reason knew on some subconscious level, were safe to get close to, but no cigar.  What the heck was I so afraid of?  I did want to get married right?  I did want to share my life with someone.

I had totally forgot about my teenage proclamation until just a few years ago.  I remember feeling it, and I do mean feeling it.  At that point in time I swore I was never going to get married and there was a lot of emotion and steam behind it.

So I have been trying to figure this out for the last few years and I have come up with a few things that  I thought I’d share.  I think that I was under the impression that all marriages are created equal,  there  is really just one kind:  he gets his way all the time, she has to sacrifice, and so do the kids. (So is it any surprise that I became a single parent and not a wife?  Just asking.)

Thinking about it now, it just seems crazy. It is amazing the impressions made on you as a young child, and how you just take them on without ever questioning them.  I watched my mom all those years and even now,  she doesn’t seem to mind giving my dad his way, catering to him, she even seems to enjoy it.  So what I see as a sacrifice is not for her.  Wait, so there is not just one kind of marriage?  I think that the sacrifice version of marriage is what I’ve been carrying around with me all these years and it didn’t seem fun to me so I wasn’t going to do it.  Wow, that’s quite a revelation.

So after much thought, reading, studying and just talking to my friends and clients, I finally got that all marriages are not the same.  I don’t have to have my parent’s marriage.  OMG, really? It seems so simple but most people go through life on auto- pilot not really knowing that there are choices and options about the way their life plays out. I think this is enlightening.

So now I know that I get to pick, what kind of marriage I want to have.  The way I want to live. I am sure there will be compromises just like with anything but I don’t have to have my parents marriage.  I can find someone who I will be happy with, just like my mom did.  Now, isn’t that  ironic.  xo-K

My two cents:  You can’t look at someone else’s life from your vantage point and get the true picture.

***

I was the first one to get divorced in my family. No wait, that’s not true. My uncle got divorced. Three times. But he was disreputable. He gambled and smoked and told dirty jokes. I wasn’t disreputable, just unhappy. When my marriage was splitting up, my soon-to-be-ex told me, “I would have stuck it out with you.” Gosh, I thought. That’s what every girl wants to hear. But then, I thought I’d already be married again by now. My ex was married within a year of our divorce. To a woman he went to grad school with while we were still together.  I’m happy for them. I hope he sticks it out with her.

I had never been a little girl who dreamed of having a Barbie wedding and marrying Ken. I just assumed it would happen and things would work out, and we’d have a life. My parents have been married forever, and I can’t imagine them apart. My sister has left her husband, but she won’t divorce him. She doesn’t love him, but she won’t defile the sanctity of marriage even though he’s a devil dog and abusive and hurtful.

The thing is, I don’t want to settle for what anyone else thinks is the “right” path. I don’t believe that there’s only one perfect mate out there. I think there are perfect people who are perfect for us at certain points in our life.  This means that you don’t just get one perfect One. You get several perfect ones. And since we don’t know how long we get on this spin around the planet, why not just enjoy the ride and stop worrying about who’s married for how long, and to whom? It will happen when it’s right. And if “forever” means five years or fifty, it’s perfect in its own way. A very smart friend told me recently, “what’s forever in the span of eternity?” I like that perspective, because as it turns out, I’m in it for the long haul. Love, C

My two cents: I’m adopting Abraham-Hicks’ philosophy on love: “I like you pretty good, let’s see how it goes.”


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i feel good

If you want to be a good partner, mother, friend, anything to anybody, you have to feel good yourself first.  You can’t be helpful to anyone when you are depressed, out of alignment, out of sorts, or even slightly bummed out.

So many people, especially women, put themselves aside to take care of others.  That’s what we do, right?  We do the work, we pick up the slack, we get things done.  If we don’t who will?

I know this for sure because I have done this for years, and guess what? You are not doing anyone any favors when you rush in and try to take care of things when you’re not filled up and feeling good.   You are probably just making things worse.  (And you are going to make the ones you are trying to help pay in some way or another.)  So that said, can we just make a pact that we are not going to do that anymore? I am going to, and I hope you will too.

On the long list of things you “should” do, there is probably something you don’t want to do. Here’s what I suggest: don’t do it. Period.  Practice saying no to the things you don’t want to do and yes to the things you do. You’ll start to feel better.

Another way to turn things around is to clean up your thoughts.  I don’t know why we feel that constantly thinking about things we don’t want will  make them go away, doesn’t really make sense, but people do it all the time.  How’s that working out for you?  Okay, so if you have a problem and you are not supposed to think/obsess about it then what are you supposed to do?  I try to change my thoughts.

Affirmations are amazing and can be so helpful.  One of my favorites is, “Things always work out for me.” Got that one from Abraham-Hicks and I have to say it is general but pretty much covers everything.  Starting to worry?  Repeat in your head, “things always work out for me, things always work out for me, things always work out for me.” Over and over.  Might seem kinda weird at first like you are trying to brainwash yourself and I guess you  are but think about it this way: the media, and your family have been brainwashing you for years, filing your head with all kinds of things.  Why not put stuff in there that you want in there, things that makes you feel good?

If you want to get more specific, you can do that too.  When I get a bill in the mail that I wasn’t expecting or something else comes up financially I do this one: “I pay my bills with ease, and I always have extra money!” That is one of my favorites  I got it from numerologist Glyniss McCants.  She recommends saying it over and over for 15 minutes.  I’ve done it and I’ll tell you, as soon as my mind starts to worry about money I start that affirmation automatically now.

Try one of those or find one that feels good to you.  And don’t let your mind go on auto-pilot anymore. Choose thoughts that feel good. xo- K

My two cents:  There are so many wonderful things to feel good about, just look for them.

***

OW! I feel good. . .just like I knew that I would, now! James Brown really knew how to amp up the energy. I can’t even think of this song without feeling my heart smile. I feel nice, just like sugar and spice!

I know, it sounds all moonbeams and lollipops to say that we can always feel good. But seriously? Why not? Especially since our thoughts are like magnets, pulling in the things we think about.

The universe always says YES. I don’t know where I first heard that, but just for giggles, let’s assume it’s true. So, if you faithfully watch the news every night, your thoughts will be something like, “the world is a dangerous place, life if tough, there isn’t enough to go around, people are out to get me.” Guess what? The universe says YES! If your thoughts are “I’m so happy and I love my life,” guess what? The universe says YES!

The fact is, gloomy thoughts are just a lazy habit. My number one goal in life is to feel good. And since daily news programs are reliably dismal, they’re out. As K suggests, I’m very choosy about the messages I program myself with, and by the way, there’s plenty of good going on!

All we really want, at the end of the day, is to be happy, and getting there is completely within our control.  Wayne W. Dyer says “if you want to change your life, change your thoughts.”  A good way to start is to think of something that makes you happy. Kiss your puppy. Pet your cat. Sing. Dance. Wallow in joy. Surrender to bliss. The more you do it, the happier you’ll feel, and before you know it, ‘happy’ will be your new habit. Love, C

My two cents: when you make feeling good your number one priority, good things naturally follow.

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match got your tongue?

Not long ago, I joined an online dating service. I recently moved to a new city, am working and networking, and after a year, finally feel ready to start auditioning candidates for the starring role in my next great love story. It’s actually quite an interesting process, if you’ve never done it. It’s a little like catalog shopping, where you’re both the catalog and the shopper. Anyway.

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Fifth Element. In this sci-fi film, Bruce Willis plays Corben Dallas, a retired cop/cab driver in the year 2214. Dallas is motoring along, minding his own business one day, when Leeloo (Milla Jojovich) falls out of the sky and into the back seat of his cab. He doesn’t know it, but she’s the fifth element (love). All he knows, is the minute he lays eyes on her, he’s smitten. Wouldn’t it be nice if finding your match was that easy?

Last week I received an email from a guy who seemed to fit some of my more compelling requirements. Has a job. Posts a nice series of photos. Loves his labrador retriever. He’s not Corben Dallas, but cute enough. We exchange a couple of exploratory emails. I’m witty and charming, he’s funny and down to earth. We have some things in common. I start to feel a little tingly.  This is probably my favorite phase of cyber dating. You trade puns, share flattering secrets about yourself, you cyber flirt. It’s safe, it’s fun, it’s fraught with possibility.

After a couple of friendly emails, he suggests we meet. Actually, he says he’d like to treat me to dinner at a local restaurant. So retro, I think. So sweet! We exchange a few more emails pending our Date, and I share them with K. He’s funny! I tell her. Isn’t that cute? I have a feeling about this, she says. I know, I say, right?

And then a quirky thing happened. The evening of our Date, he called to adjust our meeting time and I was at a loss for words. This never happens to me. . . ask K! I have a word for every occasion. Talking to people is a major part of my job, and I’m sort of good at it. Cocktail parties, fundraisers, seminars, you name it, I can talk it. Oh, well, I thought, and glossed over my little social hiccup. You can’t always be a sparkling conversationalist, right? And then we met at the assigned time and it happened again, this weird, stumbling, foot-in-the-mouth feeling. What the heck? Again, I blew it off. We had a nice enough time, two strangers eating food at the same table.

Needless to say, it wasn’t a match. Nice guy, nice girl, no sweeping sunset finale. Although we did see a coyote outside the restaurant window, which was surreal and magical. But I digress. This is what I think happened. Two people seemingly a fair match, meet up. But in this case, the two people are slightly out of phase, like a three-D movie without the glasses. Sort of fuzzy. Not quite in focus, like a movie where the picture and the dialogue are out of sync. He’s not my guy. I’m not his girl. Do I feel defeated? Not in the least! Say tuned — the adventure continues.  Love, C

My two cents: Sometimes dessert comes first. Enjoy the tingly, flirty phase of infinite possibility.

***

I have to say I am no expert in online dating, and since I’m on sabbatical from dating at the moment, I’ll have to dig into the archives of first date/ blind dates memories. And boy, I’ve had  my share of those!

There is nothing more fun and exciting than when you have been hoping to meet someone new, someone big, and a friend, co-worker, or even a dating website tells you they think they have found the someone that you’ve been looking for.  After you get the lowdown of what he does, what he likes, and what he looks like along with a bunch of other important and trivial information that sounds good, admit it. . . don’t you start to go there?

Oh, you know what I mean:  you haven’t met him in person yet, maybe you’ve  exchanged some lengthy e-mails, maybe had a phone call or two.  You decide it’s going pretty well and decide it’s time to meet in person, just something casual you say, coffee or a quick glass of wine.  No pressure, keep it breezy, but there you go. . . maybe this is my guy, maybe he is The One.  Off you go,  into the future with someone you haven’t even met yet.  Imagination going wild, and it’s all so exciting!!!  Could it really be this easy?

Don’t get me wrong here, I am not trying to make anyone, including myself, feel silly. Oh yeah, I’ve done it too, MANY times. And guess what?  IT’S FUN! Well, you don’t want to go too overboard with the whole anticipation thing.  You have to be somewhat  realistic, but in the time before the actual meeting, have fun with it.  Play the wouldn’t-it-be-nice-game.  Life is supposed to be fun and so is dating.  So what if your blind date isn’t a match.  Sure you might feel a little or a lot disappointed but don’t be hard on yourself.  It’s good practice in getting clear about what you want,  so try not to be too  bummed out if all you got out of the evening was dinner out.  And maybe one time, maybe even next time. . .your silly fantasy will come true!  And like I have said before and will probably say many times more, it only takes one  One. xo-K

My two cents:  Enjoy ALL aspects of you life as much as you can, and that includes dating.


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appreciate you!

Have you ever looked back at an old picture, maybe from high school or maybe from just a few years ago and thought, “I can’t believe I used to think I was fat then, I looked amazing”? I did, just last week. I have a picture of my Grandma, mom, me, and my daughter,  taken about six years ago that I keep on my dresser. I love to look at it every day to remember my grandma who passed away a few years ago. Anyway, I look at myself and I look beautiful. I can remember that time, even that day, and I was not feeling beautiful or thin or anything good about myself at all. What a shame.

So I have something to propose to you: can we stop doing that to ourselves, right now, today? Personally I am tired of feeling bad about myself and beating up on myself for not looking or acting or being perfect or what I think perfect should be. Let’s start looking at all the things to appreciate about ourselves. You have so many things that are great about you. Can we focus on those, start with one or two things a day?

Some friends and I did this with Gratitude for a few weeks before Thanksgiving: everyone posted something they were grateful for every day on Facebook. It felt to nice, shifted the energy completely. So I am going to continue that now with appreciation, of myself and all the wonderful things in my life.

If you have stuff you’re going through now that is not wonderful, put it aside for a bit. There is probably nothing you can really do about it anyway, plus the fact is worrying isn’t going to help, period. So for now, really look for things you like about yourself and let’s focus on those. It’s probably been a long time if ever, that you gave yourself a pat on the back for a job well done or noticed that you really do have beautiful hair, or that you really are a good friend and a great listener.

See what happens when you start out with one or two a day. It will take on a life of its own. And to quote Seal, “I want you to always feel you’re amazing”. xo-K

My two cents: When you put your attention on what you like about yourself, you will start to see more to like and so will others.

***

Ah, yes, appreciation.  Did you know that appreciation is a wonderful tool for manifesting? Yep, it’s true. Try it. Try shutting down the inner critic. Well, that actually takes a bit of practice. Maybe to begin with you can try observing your thoughts and when you find that you’re being critical of anyone else or even yourself (it’s the same thing, really), turn that thought around. Instead of naming what’s wrong, find something that’s right. There, now. Doesn’t that feel better? And when you feel better, when your energy is higher, the outcomes you desire can more easily manifest. Who can’t love that?

To take appreciation a step further, make a list of things to appreciate. Obviously, this works better when you’re in a groovy, flowy, non-judgmental  mood than when you’re all cranky-boots about something. If you’re in a bad mood, it will cheer you up FAST. If you’re in a good mood, it will lift you up higher. I promise — this is some serious magic!

First, get out your journal and  title a page “ME.” Or “Things I Appreciate About ME.” Number the rows 1-10, and start. Begin with something easy, like “eyes.” Maybe you have beautiful eyes. Own that, you dazzling goddess! Then find something else about yourself to appreciate, like how you make the best hot chocolate in the known galaxy. Write it down. Keep going, you’re on a roll now! If you get stuck,  write what your best friend would say about you. Not enough? Try “I appreciate the fact that I’m willing to write a list about things I appreciate about myself.”

Self love is important. Especially if you’re looking for love “out there” because after all, if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to do it?

Oh, and, about the list? Here’s an extra-credit challenge for you. If you breezed through the list of ten without a hitch, amp it up. Try a list of 20 or even 30. You’ll find that once you get past the obvious, it’s a little harder and you may even have to start appreciating those things about yourself that you had not previously been so kind about. You can do it ~ and let us know what wonderful gifts you discover about yourself. Love, C

My two cents: No one can be you like YOU. You’re amazing!


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how do you know when it’s time to go

Have you ever had a big break-up and upon reflection knew “the signs were there all along”? That’s the truth. The signs were always there, and I just didn’t want to see them — or more accurately, feel them.

How about instead of numbing ourselves to our feelings, we learn to get in touch with them? How about we train ourselves to know when it’s time to go by recognizing when we’ve  “hit the ick”?  I know I hit the ick when I get that “off” feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one I’d rather ignore but I’m so smart and so in control. Seriously?

How do you know what your personal warning sign feels like? Try this: think of a time when you were really happy. Now, locate where you feel that in your body. Got it? Now think of a time when you felt really bad, maybe even deceived. Where do you feel it in your body? That’s the ick. That’s your personal early warning system.

So, let’s say you’re sitting across a candlelit table from fabulous Mr. Current Candidate, having a jolly time telling stories and eating great food, then he says “that thing” and a small alarm goes off in your head and your stomach drops like you just flew into a patch of turbulence, and you know it: you hit the ick. At first, you’ll want to dismiss it. At first, you’ll want to say, but he’s so cute. And he drives the right car, and OMG, I haven’t had a date in centuries.

The signs that pop up initially are small. Easy to ignore or justify away. “He didn’t really mean that.” Or “I’m just too sensitive.” But that isn’t it. Your inner navigation system just hit a patch of ick, and it’s a free-will zone, so you’re free to ignore it. Free to rush blithely ahead toward the romance zone because after all, that’s the destination isn’t it? Or is the destination Peace, Harmony, Well-being?

I’ve never been sorry when I followed my intuition. I have been a whole lotta bummed when I ignored the early warning signs. It’s okay.  You’re free to ignore the signs of your soul trying to get your attention. You’re free to try to make a six into a ten. Don’t worry, the signs will get bigger until you can’t ignore them anymore. Personally, I’m done getting smacked with the cosmic two-by-four! I’m not perfect, but I’m getting better at  recognizing when my soul is trying to get my attention. And my soul wants me to have my perfect partner.

Life is supposed to be fun! Learning new things is a game! Making getting to know when you hit the ick a priority, and pretty soon you’ll be a master. Then, you’ll no longer ask how do you know when it’s time to go. You’ll have it down.  Love-C

My two cents: The universe is always conspiring to give you what you want.

***

Well isn’t that the $64,000 question?  They say you know when you know, but I say you know a lot sooner.

Ask your friends, they know.  If you don’t recall when your relationship went from “OMG this could be The One” to the “ick”, ask your friends.   You know which friends I’m talking about, the ones who love you unconditionally, the ones who want you to be happy, the ones who truly want you to have what you want.  Not people you know, but your friends.  The ones who have been on the other end of the phone, for hours on end at all times of day or night listening to you go at it ever since you entered the “ick”.  If you get to the point where you can draw a line down a piece of paper to list the pros and cons of your relationship, you’re in the “ick”. You don’t have to do this with The One, you just know. Change any of your beliefs? “ick”. Justifying? “ick”. Sacrificing? “ick”, settling… oh hell no!

I believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason. Some are here for the big lessons, you know the who they are, they come in and BAM,  in that moment, or week, month or 10 years they are The One.  Some are what I call “fillers”.  Fun, cute, sexy, just something to do, but you know they are just there to roll around with till The One comes along.  But if it is a “lesson” guy they do feel like The One and they ARE until you get the lesson and then guess what, now they aren’t, time to move on.

I know, I know, you don’t want to, you want it to stay, just like it was forever. Sorry sweetie, it can’t.  Once you have gotten from this guy what he came to teach you, it is time to take what you learned and move on and if you don’t,  it seems to all go to hell in a handbasket.

That is when the scramble starts.  And you know exactly what I mean by the scramble, don’t you? You reflect back to when it started to feel weird, he seemed different or maybe it was you.  You start to doubt yourself (did I say something or do something to upset him?).  Many nights of sleep are lost, wracking your brain about what possibly could  have happened.  When you exhaust yourself  or make yourself absolutely crazy you call on the troops, you enlist your girls to help you to try to figure out what you did and how you can get it back to the way it was before.  Guess what: you can’t. You hit the “ick”, party’s over. Lesson learned.  Sorry girl.  Time to move on.  xo-K

My two cents:  Exit before it gets ugly, keep him as a friend, or not and remember you only need one, “ONE”.

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building the perfect man

So as I’m thinking about all that I have come up with, I realized that I have been dating my dad to heal the relationship with him. All the men that I have brought in have had different aspects of him, ie Ken doll, so now I am more afraid to date than ever.  Am I going to continue this pattern?  I have to figure out how to turn this around.  Wait, there are so many things about my dad I really love, respect and admire.

It’s like looking for a new apartment lets say.  The first time you move out on your own, what you want is simple: you want something you can afford in a safe area.  Small list, you live there for a while and decide that you would really like air conditioning and off street parking.  So in searching for your next place you add those to your list.  Now you have your new perfect place but decide you really want a dishwasher too and something a little more quiet.  You see where I am going with this.  You can’t really know what you do want until you know what you don’t want, and there is nothing wrong with that.

So, back to the man.  I decided I was going  to make a list from the beginning of all the important relationships that have made an impact on my life. But I was only going to focus on what I loved about them, what I didn’t want to throw away.  I have loved a lot and I have had many amazing men who have loved me too.  What’s scary about that, right?  Oh, this is feeling better.  I will give you an example of what I have come up with so far and just to make it easier for me, all the names are fake.

I decided I was in a way building the perfect man.  I realized I have experienced being with the perfect man for me it just hasn’t been at the same time with the same guy.  It’s like revisiting the best parts of your past love affairs without all the bad stuff.  So lets go, and this is in no order, guess it doesn’t matter since the names are fake, right?  I really loved the way Bob cooked and danced around in his underwear, he had such a free spirit and I always felt so beautiful and adored. We’ll keep that, and leave out that he lived 5,000 miles away.  I loved the way that Michael was like my best friend, he was so funny and always in a good mood.  And Max, he was so creative, and had an amazing house, loved to shop and was so generous, and such a great lover.  I loved how I felt when I met Scott, I just looked in his eyes and felt like I had known him my whole life.

So I could go on and on, what a fun exercise.  I am still working on it, it really is amazing how many wonderful men I have had in my life, and okay, I haven’t found the “One” that is going to be the “One” for the long haul but I have had a lot of great “Ones” for the moment.  Okay, now I’m not feeling so scared anymore.  Try it out for yourself and let me know how it goes.  xo-k

My two cents:  Have fun with the process.

———————————–

Yeah, this isn’t like a weird Frankenstein thing. It’s more like a Mr. Potato Head thing where you create one groovy guy from miscellaneous parts.

Remember how we were talking about how easy it is to get stuck in the icky stuff? You can always find someone to sympathize, to get into a rousing bitchfest with you about how all men/women/aliens are rotten, all men/women/aliens cheat, all men/women/aliens fill-in-the-blank. The truth is, whatever you believe, you manifest. You only make it so, by believing it.  Just like the song from Counting Crows says, “What you fear in the night in the day comes to call anyway-ay.” So if this is true (and it is) doesn’t it make sense to focus on the great stuff?

One of my bad boyfriends was worried about money. He was self-employed, and was worried the contracts would dry up. So I told him, “if you’re going to worry about money, why not worry about having so much you have to hire someone to help you manage it?” Well, he did just that, and the phone started ringing off the hook! Soon, he had so many contracts, he was booked out months in advance. I’d like to think this is because I give such great advice. But the truth is, he was just a great manifester. We all are. We just spend far too much time getting what we don’t want, because that’s what we focus on.

Back to bad boyfriend. He gets to be part of my perfect man. He gets to be the part that makes my knees turn to jelly just looking at him. The part about ditching a gal on the side of the road in Maui on the way to the airport? Not so much. Haven’t we all dated a bad boyfriend? (Please God, don’t let me be the only one!) Of course, there were good boyfriends, too. Well, good before the heat went lukewarm then stone-cold, but good nonetheless. Generous. Smart. Wicked funny. Rich. Kind. World class kisser.

Here’s a chance to relive all the highlights of the Loves of Christmas Past. Get yourself a journal. Something pretty, that makes you want to write in it. Make a page for every one of the loves that shared even a brief time on the stage of your life. On each page, write down the good qualities of each person. No cheating! Nothing negative!  We’re focusing on the positive qualities, because that’s what we want the great, cosmic genie to deliver. Make a list of all those lovable parts that made you feel so good, so cherished, so beloved.

Look at that list.  Feels yummy, right?  Enjoy that feeling — because there’s more of where that came from. Oh yes, my darling, lots more. Let us know how it goes!  Love, C

My two cents: The Beatles were genius! Amp up your love mojo by listening to some of their love songs!

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step away from the phone

Grandma knew a thing or two in her day. Back in her time, there were rules to live by, traditions to respect. Agree or disagree, but in some ways those days were easier to navigate. In those days, girls were girls and boys were boys and everyone was pretty sure about their roles were.  Then came the cultural revolution of the 1960s and all h*ll broke loose.

Some of that revolution was good: the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Joni Mitchell.  Also: reproductive choice, and careers for women beyond teacher and nurse (nothing wrong with either of those. Just sayin’). Some of the revolution was just a pretty illusion: women are just like men. This idea was radical at the time, but the truth is, we’re not the same. We’re equal, and we’re different.

Back in Grandma’s day, there was a rule: girls don’t call boys. Period, end of story. It was about this: boys are hunters. They can’t help it, it’s in their genes. Girls are  nurturers. Again, can’t help it; it’s just how we’re wired. John Gray calls it Mars and Venus. Anyway, nature designed us quite brilliantly. Flowers don’t go around chasing bumblebees. They just sit back all beautiful, sweet-smelling, dazzling. It’s isn’t rocket science, sweetie, it’s nature, in all her glorious wisdom. Be still. Be mysterious. Let nature do her magic.

Today, we’ve forgotten the simplicity of what relationship can and should be. Today, we have to be reminded about basic human nature by books like “He’s just not that into you.” The message here is simple: appreciate who you are and what you have to offer. After all, you’re a goddess, with gifts and treasures and delights to behold. If he doesn’t call, he’s just not motivated. It’s not that you’re imperfect, it’s not that you’re lacking that special something. It’s just that the two of you are not a match. It’s not that making the first move is morally wrong. It’s just counter-productive. In case it matters.

The next time you have a great first date, savor the giddy-dizzy feelings the experience stirs in you. In the days to follow, hang out with the yummy-buzzy  butterflies dancing in your stomach. Wait for the phone to ring. If it does, hurrah! A chance to find out more about this candidate for your prized companionship. If the call doesn’t come, step away from the phone! Do not take the bold initiative. Do not be aggressive, do not be woman hear your roar. Do not dial his number and rob yourself of the chance to be on the receiving end of all that delicious desire.

My two cents: Hold out. You’re worth it, darling. Love, C

***

Flash forward a decade or five.  I am hosting a sleep-over of about ten 10 year old girls and basically repeating what Grama told C.  Although now it also applies to e-mail and texting.  What I told these sweet, not at all ready to date young girls is, “Don’t call guys, it doesn’t work when you’re 10 doesn’t work when you’re 40.  Just doesn’t work period.”

As I am telling the girls why I believe they won’t get the results that they will want, when they are actually at the age when this will all apply, some part of me is hoping that this will really sink in.  At least as far as my daughter is concerned I am hoping that this info will just be a “given,” you know like you get in the car and you automatically put on your seat belt.  I guess on some level I am trying to save her a bit of the frustration of wondering when someone hasn’t called her yet, if it is EVER a good idea to call a guy and basically ask  him why he hasn’t called.  Isn’t that what we are doing when we make that call? Aren’t we on some level trying to manipulate the situation?  Just asking.

I have repeated this sentiment to my daughter on many occasions over the years, I think for my benefit as well as hers.  I have told her time and again that you can’t force someone to like you, (I needed to remember that). You can’t manipulate someone to do what you want them to do when you want them to do it, (again, I needed to remember that).  When we are in these times when there is so much talk about manifesting and attraction, and I do believe for sure, and I am trying to school my daughter on these laws as well. I have had to explain why in some cases you can have what you want, manifest it, attract it; but there are some cases when you just can’t.  When you are messing with someone else’s free will those rules don’t apply.

Sucks sometimes when you think you have met your future husband and you think he’s just too lame to know it yet: but girls it takes two, not just you, to make that love connection and you can’t force someone to want you.  Sorry.  (I needed to remember that one too!).    And remember, you want someone who absolutely adores you, thinks of you all day and can’t wait to call you.
Remember that!  He’s coming, xo-K

My two cents:  The perfect guy for you wants to call you, he doesn’t feel like he has to.



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