Monthly Archives: February 2010

texting isn’t dating

Dating in the digital age is not for the faint of heart, is it? There are so many more options today than ever before in the history of this crazy little blue marble rolling around in space.

One of my dear new friends in my new home town met the love of her life before the digital dating phenom got rolling. She and her gal pals were sharing dinner out one night lamenting the single life (as women have been doing since the dawn of time), and one thing led to another. Before the night ended, these smart, sexy, sassy women all made a pact to run a post in one of the local weekly papers known for concert reviews, leftist political views, and explicit and not-so-explicit classified personal ads.

My friend ran her ad and got several responses. She made such an impression on one guy she met for coffee that he canceled the date he had with another lady he’d connected with from the classifieds. Throughout their courtship, my friend’s sweetheart wooed her by writing her one romantic letter a month for 36 months. At then end of the third year of love letters, he proposed. omg! Such a love story.

Fast forward to 2010: now we have online dating services and cell phones and text messages. We are dating in a digital age no one ever dreamed of. People still meet in the produce aisle, at church picnics, on the bus.  They also meet in cyberspace with photos and bios and various fictional versions of their their life stories.  Since venturing into the cyber-classifieds, I’ve taken the necessary precautions to avoid cyber-creeps. But I’ve always said you can meet a creep at an ice-cream social, so caveat emptor is the motto of  dating adults everywhere.

So recently, I found myself exchanging emails and text messages with a person of interest.  Yes, we met online, so the email and texting are not entirely unrelated to the whole e-dating process.  The thing is, we’ve met in-person. Clear and mutual interest was expressed by both parties. We even touched lips,  swapped spit. . . And yet? No forward movement. I figured, he’s just not that into me and was prepared to move on. Then we started up with the texts and flirty emails again. It was fun, but no hints about meeting up. Started to feel weird. Of course, K and I talked about it. The radar started to pingpingping. It’s not natural to meet someone you like and not want to spend time together. Unless. . .unless. Okay, girls. We all know what that “unless” means.  Something’s not on the up and up. The story isn’t holding together. We’ve all been in that place where our intuition started to warn us off and we ignored it, haven’t we? Can we all agree to not do that anymore?

The truth is, texting is not dating. Emails are not a relationship. Romance at a distance is the safety valve for someone who isn’t really ready for love. Not that any one of these things is wrong. Unless you want an authentic relationship, which every goddess is worthy of, btw.  I’m just sayin.’ Love, C

My two cents: be willing to walk away and never  settle for less than you really want!

♥♥♥

As I have mentioned before, I have been on dating hiatus for a while and don’t have experience with digital dating, but I do know a thing or10 about signs and when actions and words don’t jive.  So when C filled me in on what was going on with Mr. e-mailer/texter, something definitely was feeling a little off to me.  I totally understand emailing and such in the beginning of online dating, it’s fun, flirty and relatively safe.  Who hasn’t experienced the giddy feeling of opening up your inbox in the morning to a fun little note from a boy you are interested in.  That can go on for as long or short a period as the two people involved feel comfortable with.  For me and my experience with blind dating, I would rather get right to it.  Physical attraction is a big thing and I think a lot gets lost in translation when your only communication is email and text. So when I meet someone new for a coffee or a glass of wine I usually get a pretty good read if I am going to be interested in moving forward right away.  It is usually a, oh yea, yippee, he looks cool, or, there is no way in hell.

I am not being superficial and I am not talking about just the way someone looks, it’s more than that.  It is their vibe, the feeling you get when you are face to face with someone that as flirty as a text is it’s just never the same.

So back to said dilemma, what if there seems to be mutual interest between you and Mr. blind date/online guy and things go back to just texting and e-mailing?  I can’t say that that has ever happened to me but it doesn’t sound like something I would spend a lot of time with. . . but hey that’s me.  I guess maybe sometimes people want to take things slow but come on!!!

I guess it all goes back to knowing what exactly it is that you want and holding out for it.  I know for me no where on my list of things I want in a man is someone who is afraid of getting hurt so much  they have to move in reverse, nor am I looking for someone who doesn’t trust his own judgment.  But that’s my thing.  xo-K

My two cents:  Be true to yourself, know what you want in a relationship and never settle.

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we just want to give gratitude

It is so important that you are grateful for everything in your life. Many people focus on the one thing they want and forget to be grateful for all the things they have.

Without gratitude you cannot achieve anything, because if you are not emanating gratitude, then by default you are emanating ungratefulness. Be proactive… and use the frequency of your being to receive what you want. (The Secret Daily Teachings)

And we are grateful for YOU!  xo-K

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and nothing but the truth~

As little girls, we’re trained to be pleasers.  Be a good girl, a pretty girl, a well-behaved girl, and we get the reward, right?

For a long time, maybe forever, I’ve kept my mouth shut. I thought I was being the supreme diplomat, letting others have their say and only offering an opinion if asked, point-blank. Really? While on the outside I was all shiny, competent, confident, my dark little goblin primitive brain was saying, “be careful, be quiet. Mind your manners or you’ll blow it!” Blow what? The job, the date, the contest, what ev. Cultivate a little mystery, the advice goes, say nothing. Leave them wondering, “they” say, don’t give it all away. This is pretty good advice if you’re negotiating for a major deal, but what about when it comes to relationships?

After my personal version of Carrie Bradshaw’s Mr. Big relationship ended, I realized that my Mr. Man actually knew nothing about me, beyond the fact that coffee first thing in the morning is not negotiable, that I may or may not be an actual witch, and that I adore fluffly, yippy, pint-sized dogs. My course of study in college? My favorite magazine? The name of my former spouse? He couldn’t tell you if you held a pistol to his head. No sirree, he could not, and it isn’t entirely his fault. I was the doting, supporting, appropriately attractive girlfriend to the man-in-charge. We threw great parties (for his friends). We took fabulous vacations (to destinations of his choice). I don’t mean to imply that we didn’t have a great romance. We did. We just mainly did it on his terms. Robert Ohotto would say that my prostitute archetype was in charge of that phase of my love life. What? Not the damsel? Not the princess? Well maybe the girls in the chorus all played a part, but the leading role was the one who traded her soul for the role.

I have a new policy now: full disclosure. I’m working on my stuff and writing a blog for goodness sake! It’s all pretty much out there. When I get a ‘hit’ on my online dating page, the first thing I do is direct them to twogirlstakeonlove.com. I mean seriously? You want to know what I think and opinions I may or may not hold? It’s all pretty much here. Or will be soon. We’ve only just started, but it doesn’t look like we’re going to run out of material any time in the near future.

Have I totally got it down? Some areas yes, some not so much. All in all, I’m a work in progress, and that’s okay! Love, C

My two cents: the truth will set you free.

***

Perfect girl, don’t we all play that role?  I know I do or rather did. For some reason I always felt I had to be perfect, have it all together, have all the answers.  Totally competent, that’s me.  I don’t think it came from my parents, I think they always thought I was from Mars or something.  No, this one came from me.

On some level I always felt I knew more than most people.  I’m not talking book smart, I’m not even talking street smart, which I was.  I’m talking intuition.  So, yeah, I did feel I had to be perfect because I knew better.

I always had that little voice inside telling me, better go there, or do  this and when I didn’t listen I really did a number on myself.  Don’t know why I couldn’t just give myself a break and just bumble along learning my lessons along the way like other people did, but no, not me, gotta be perfect  — as if that is even possible.

So there I was feeling like I had things all figured out, yeah try that when you are dating;  so doesn’t work.  Never truly being myself, being what I thought this one or that one wanted me to be.  That was exhausting, and come to find out not at all cute or sexy.  I don’t need you for your money, I make my own money.  I don’t need your help moving, or problem solving or with the freaking crossword puzzle.  I can do it all by myself. Then guess what, you are by yourself while the man you are interested in is dating the girl who doesn’t have the great job, who is a train wreck or super high maintenance and needs lots of help.  Yeah, he went to her because, hey, you didn’t seem to need him.

Well, the truth was I did need him, a lot.  I just wasn’t being honest with myself, or showing him me. I put on the bright and shiny, totally self-sufficient me. I needed and wanted love and I was so not perfect.

Oh gosh, can’t believe I spent so much time doing that number on myself. So from now on with me, just like C, full disclosure.  I do me better than I can do anyone else so that is what it is gonna be from now on.  With all my little quirks, and likes and dislikes, just me.

And, isn’t that what you want to show the world so you attract people into your life who like  what you like instead of trying to be what you think they want and then once you get in there trying to change them?  Just askin’. . . xo-K

My two cents:  Be your quirky, silly, wonderful self!

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crash into me

One of my all-time favorite romantic comedies is Bull Durham. In it, Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon), is about to seduce young-hunky-dumb Ebbie Calvin LaLoosh (Tim Robbins), the new up and coming star of the minor leagues. In the wings, veteran ball player Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) has been kicked from the Majors back down to the Minors and quietly waits to finish his career and maybe to dazzle Annie.

Crash finally gets Annie’s attention after she has told the two men that they are competing with each other for her affection. It is then Costner delivers one of the greatest romantic comedy lines of all time: “Well,” he tells her before walking out the door. “I believe in. . .the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot. . .opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

Annie can only reply, “Oh, my.” I mean, seriously? There is only one thing to do with the guy that can deliver a line like that: take him home. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

Of course, Annie did not do this right away. She was teaching the young punk with a 90 mph arm how to harness his thoughts, how to discipline his focus. The fact that she did this by convincing him to wear a garter belt and breathe through his eyeballs was just pure bonus. He was a punk and he sort of deserved it, but also, Annie had a mission. She was like Aphrodite, training the novice love warrior in the art of irony and the way of devotion. But even as she was spending her time with the young no-hitter, she secretly knew that Crash Davis was more compelling, more interesting, far deeper, and more capable of the long, slow burn. One of the things that made Crash so attractive is that he had some miles on him. He had cultivated humility, had earned every gray hair, every sly move.  He had been around the block, knew who he was, and was infinitely more interesting for it.

Back to the great speech: no pun intended, but in those few sentences, Crash manages to cover all the bases as follows:  reverence for women, the grace of a well placed move, the importance of health, the non-negotiable of pleasure, an ability to see beyond appearances, political free-thinking, honor for excellence, an appreciation for perfection, and respect for tradition. . .not to mention an off-the-chart hot-o-meter. Let us not forget, he started his soliloquy with reverence for the goddess, a quality never to be underestimated. Cheers, girls! Love, C

My two cents: You can star in the movie of your life or you can sit in the audience  and watch it all go by.

***

I love how C uses movies for metaphors and I love music reference.  I don’t really remember Bull Duhram, I mean I remember parts but nothing I could quote.  But now that my memory is refreshed, (thanks C), I remember loving the messages in that movie.  One in particular, men love a little healthy competition regarding the ladies, especially those jock types. And what girl doesn’t love two cute boys fighting over her?  Nothing makes a girl feel sexier than feeling wanted.

I don’t know about you but I can’t think of anything that makes me happier than someone I adore looking at me with his head cocked to the side.  You know the look, that  “Awwww, I am just crazy about you” head cock.  Simple, doesn’t cost any money, and you can’t fake it.  Yea, there is nothing like a good old fashioned love fest. Sitting around, doing nothing special  but staring into each other’s eyes, and adoring each other.  Sickening but sweet to the innocent bystander but it doesn’t matter to you.  Not that you even realize there was anyone even there in the room with you!

So just for fun, let’s go back come on you know you’ve got one, that one fav boyfriend, the one who knocked your socks off and made you believe in love for the first time (or believe in love again).  Go back, what was going on? What was your favorite song at the time?  What did you do and where did you go? Go back and remember every delicious detail.  If you haven’t yet had that feeling yet, find a movie relationship that feels close to how you would love to feel and relish that for a bit.

There is a reason for this, the more you recognize what makes you happy and feel good, the easier it will be to recognize it when it comes.  I still love my go-to, good feeling, fav boyfriend, and even though we didn’t last, all I have to do is think of him and it makes me happy.  Oh, and my go-to song to get me feeling great? “More than a Feeling” by Boston.  It’s a sure thing.  xo-K

My two cents:  Have a go-to, feel good, something.

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love you!

“Once you believe in yourself and see your soul as divine and precious, you will automatically become a being who can create a miracle.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

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my funny Valentine~

I spent some time with my two sisters this Valentine’s Day. Naturally, they wanted to know what crazy thing I was up to, so I told them I was writing a blog about love, and they both kind of looked at me like ‘but why?’ I could barely explain, and then my darling sister from Oklahoma (we were born three years and a day apart) shared a voicemail with me that she received from her husband of 25+ years and I was reduced to a sappy love puddle and said see? This is what I’m talkin’ about! Mind you, we were near Vancouver, BC, and he was back home in their big, beautiful home on the plains two time zones away, and he called to leave this message in his gruff man voice: “I love you, and I miss you. Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart.”  Seriously, the love in his voice about killed me. Also, it totally inspired me. Just thought I’d share. Love, C&K

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what are you so afraid of?

You say you want a relationship, a good one, one that is the real deal, the last forever kind.  So… why do you think it hasn’t shown up yet?

What if someone came up to you right here, right now, and told you your perfect match, your soulmate, the love of your life, was going to be here next week, say Thursday night at 8:00.  Quick- what is the first thought or feeling that comes up?   Excitement?  Happiness?  Anticipation?  Fear?  Mine was: Wait, I’m not ready!  What? Are you kidding me?  I have been waiting my whole life for this and now I’m not ready?

Not your reaction?  Are you sure about that?  Most people who don’t have fears or issues or something like that and really want a great relationship have one, plain and simple. And if you’re already there you’re probably not reading a blog about finding love.  So, here we are.  Just sayin’…

I just finished listening to an online seminar with Robert Ohotto, if you are not familiar with him I highly recommend  checking him out.  The webinar was titled “Soul Connections-Cultivating Intimacy within a New Relationship Paradigm.”  And it was nothing short of amazing.

This was a four hour e-seminar,and man was it info packed.  He touched on too many ideas to cover in this short little post, but I so feel better.  Having fear is normal; it’s one of the roles we play.  He talks about all of the archetypes in relationships and I recognized a few that I’ve done, many that I’ve done, and many that I’m done with.

My head is spinning with all the new information. I’ve listened to the  download of the webinar twice,  and I am still processing.  If I had to comment on anything at this point it would be that  I still have a lot of fears, and it is okay.  I am right on track for what I want and all is well.

I feel so blessed that  for each step I take, the next thing I need is right there waiting for me.  I’m baby steppin’, but I’m doing it.  Everything is happening right as it should, in perfect timing.  I am doing this, facing all the things that seem so scary: abandonment, betrayal, and, what if my “soulmate” shows up and he doesn’t like me??  Yikes, sounds crazy when I write it out loud, but I actually thought that for a minute.  Okay well, gotta process all of this.  xo-K

My two cents:  Everything you need will be there for you right when you need it.

***

I haven’t listened to Ohotto’s webinar yet — but plan to devote serious time to it, based on K’s review. I listen to him on Hay House Radio on a weekly basis. Robert is crazy smart, spooky intuitive, and has an uncanny ability to tell it like it is. Intuitively,  I like his style, I like his perspective, and I really like his insights into life. He’s a student of Carolyn Myss, and he has a knack for making you laugh even as he’s making a really important point.  He’s a genius, but that’s another story.

What really interests me is the idea of Fear. I’m not talking about the kind of fear that comes plugging in a DVD of Silence of the Lambs at home in a big country house, alone, at night. Or jumping off a bridge over a river with giant, elastic bands wrapped around your ankles. Or having a big dog lunge at you before he reaches the end of his chain.  This is about the small fears. It’s about the accumulated mountain of little fears that keep you from reaching your potential, everyday, for years and years on end. It’s the fear that whispers, “Don’t try that; you’ve never done it before.” or “What if you’re not thin enough?” or “You failed at love once before, what if you die alone?”

Fear is the great motivator that keeps us doing or not doing the things that can push us to fulfilling our destiny. It keeps us safe, because if we don’t try, then there’s no failure, and if there’s no failure, then we’re okay, right? Fear can define us. Or, if we are willing to risk the ordeal of facing it, fear can liberate us. Each fear is like life saying, “Are you ready to take this on? Are you willing to reach your potential?”

According to Marianne Williamson, the opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s fear. She goes on to say that nothing is real but love, so the fear is illusion. But that’s another story, too. Let’s just stick with fear. This kind of work requires brutal, total, self-honesty. Can you do that?

So, here are a few questions to help you identify your fears. The trick is, to answer without thinking about it.  Just say the first thing that pops up. Ready? Okay, answer these questions:

  • Assuming you played a role in the end of your last relationship (because you did), what fear motivated your actions?
  • If the love of your life came knocking on the door, what would make you afraid to open it? (Fear of abandonment? Fear of failure? Fear of success?)
  • Assuming you could have the love/success you desire, which fear would you be willing to exchange for it? (If you’re totally honest, you have to admit to at least one. No cheating!)

There are no right or wrong answers. This weekend, at a family reunion, my brother and I tried to find an old landmark from our shared past. A few years had come and gone, and nothing was as we remembered. And yet, everything fell in to place as we took one step, and then another. This is the thing: if you trust that things will work out, they generally do.  Love, C

My two cents: follow your heart instead of your fear; you heart knows what it’s talking about.

 

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