Tag Archives: byron katie

if you can’t say something nice…

I used to have a friend, a novelist, who would often complain about her books, her publisher, her agent. As an aspiring writer, I found this to be really painful to listen to. I thought to myself if only I had a publisher, an agent, a string of books, I would be the happiest girl on the planet! But then I realized that my friend complained about her success (in part) so that  other people wouldn’t envy her, resent her. It was like she cast a spell of unhappiness around herself to protect herself. Clever!

There seems to be a prevailing belief that to claim happiness is to jinx it. What? It’s true.  Why do we do that? Why, when someone compliments us on the snappy little outfit we’re wearing, we say, “Oh, this old thing?” We’re used to telling lies. We’re trained from early on to say things that are not true in order to please someone else.  We do it all the time.

One of the weird ways people socialize is to complain. It goes like this: someone complains about something, maybe their mean boss. The next person has a worse story, the list of complaints grow, get worse, expand, and the next thing you know, someone is working for witchy Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada.  It’s an epidemic! People seem to really love the rush they get from topping the last bad story with something even worse. Why do we do that?

My mother used to drive me crazy when she said, “if you can’t say something nice to your brother, don’t say anything at all.”  I thought she was nuts.  My brother was the torment of my childhood. Although my mother was just trying to mold me into a polite little lady, there was really a deeper truth at work. Language isn’t simply about telling stories. Thoughts are things. Words are magic.

When you realize the words you say create the world you live in, you start to watch what you say. If you really get serious about it, you start to monitor your thoughts. How in the world can I manage my thoughts, you say, there are thousands of them a day! Exactly. There are thousands of them a day, and they are mostly just a string of the same thoughts playing over and over again on a loop. When you start to monitor the things you say because you know you create your world by your words, you start to say nicer things. You start saying nicer things to other people and best of all, you start saying nicer things to yourself.

Affirmations aren’t just fluffy little words we spread around like pink icing on cupcakes. Affirmations are how we start telling a better (truer) story about ourselves and our world. And isn’t that what we really want? Love, C

My two cents: start saying one nice thing to yourself in the mirror everyday and see what kind of magic you can make!

♥♥♥

What if someone told you that everything you said, every word out of your mouth especially if you repeated it over and over would come true?  Would you be more careful what you said?  I have been really aware of what I think and what I say lately  and I know it’s hard not to notice “what is.”

There are so many things going on out there that are true.  So many things to look at; things that make you feel good and things that make you feel terrible.  Why does it seem that the icky stuff  is so much easier to focus on?  Do we really think we will jinx something if we affirm it?  Some people don’t want to think or expect anything good because they don’t want to be disappointed.  Really? If you believe things always work out the way they are supposed to –and they do, by the way –then I say why not dream big.

I got the idea for this post after sitting down by the pool  in my building. I touched on it a bit in the last post turn it around. One of my neighbors was on her cell phone going on and on about how crappy her life was, complaining about some issue she was having with Comcast and AT&T. Seriously? You’re sitting by a beautiful pool on a beautiful summer day in beautiful wine country, and you’re complaining about your internet provider?  My daughter and I were lounging nearby, totally present in the moment, totally enjoying where we were, sitting in one of the top vacation destinations in the world, and we get to live here.

It really made me think, what if we just enjoyed right where we are, in the moment, and looked around for things to appreciate, things to love, and milked them for all they were worth?  What if we complimented instead of complained?  What if when someone complimented us we just said, “thank you,” instead of trying to talk them out of their admiration and appreciation of us?  What if we didn’t have something nice to say about ourselves, someone else or a dilemma we are dealing with we just shut the hell up?  I don’t know about you but looking at problems and talking about them incessantly is getting really old.  It doesn’t help anything AND it doesn’t feel good, in case it matters.

Last year C, got a purple rubber bracelet from an organization, A Complaint Free World. The idea was to wear the bracelet on one wrist for 30 days. The catch: you could only keep the bracelet on that wrist if you did not let one complaint pass your lips. If it did, you had to switch wrists.  At first, you might move the band two or three times a day. Eventually,  you might keep in on a whole day . . .or even a whole week!  Imagine a whole month.  Give it a try, you’ll be amazed how many times you notice yourself being negative and once you notice, you can make a conscious effort to change the way you see things and what you say about them.  xo-K

My two cents:  Consciously turn whatever you say into a positive and if you can’t, don’t say anything at all.


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Filed under affirmations, Inspiration, spirituality

if you can't say something nice…

I used to have a friend, a novelist, who would often complain about her books, her publisher, her agent. As an aspiring writer, I found this to be really painful to listen to. I thought to myself if only I had a publisher, an agent, a string of books, I would be the happiest girl on the planet! But then I realized that my friend complained about her success (in part) so that  other people wouldn’t envy her, resent her. It was like she cast a spell of unhappiness around herself to protect herself. Clever!

There seems to be a prevailing belief that to claim happiness is to jinx it. What? It’s true.  Why do we do that? Why, when someone compliments us on the snappy little outfit we’re wearing, we say, “Oh, this old thing?” We’re used to telling lies. We’re trained from early on to say things that are not true in order to please someone else.  We do it all the time.

One of the weird ways people socialize is to complain. It goes like this: someone complains about something, maybe their mean boss. The next person has a worse story, the list of complaints grow, get worse, expand, and the next thing you know, someone is working for witchy Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada.  It’s an epidemic! People seem to really love the rush they get from topping the last bad story with something even worse. Why do we do that?

My mother used to drive me crazy when she said, “if you can’t say something nice to your brother, don’t say anything at all.”  I thought she was nuts.  My brother was the torment of my childhood. Although my mother was just trying to mold me into a polite little lady, there was really a deeper truth at work. Language isn’t simply about telling stories. Thoughts are things. Words are magic.

When you realize the words you say create the world you live in, you start to watch what you say. If you really get serious about it, you start to monitor your thoughts. How in the world can I manage my thoughts, you say, there are thousands of them a day! Exactly. There are thousands of them a day, and they are mostly just a string of the same thoughts playing over and over again on a loop. When you start to monitor the things you say because you know you create your world by your words, you start to say nicer things. You start saying nicer things to other people and best of all, you start saying nicer things to yourself.

Affirmations aren’t just fluffy little words we spread around like pink icing on cupcakes. Affirmations are how we start telling a better (truer) story about ourselves and our world. And isn’t that what we really want? Love, C

My two cents: start saying one nice thing to yourself in the mirror everyday and see what kind of magic you can make!

♥♥♥

What if someone told you that everything you said, every word out of your mouth especially if you repeated it over and over would come true?  Would you be more careful what you said?  I have been really aware of what I think and what I say lately  and I know it’s hard not to notice “what is.”

There are so many things going on out there that are true.  So many things to look at; things that make you feel good and things that make you feel terrible.  Why does it seem that the icky stuff  is so much easier to focus on?  Do we really think we will jinx something if we affirm it?  Some people don’t want to think or expect anything good because they don’t want to be disappointed.  Really? If you believe things always work out the way they are supposed to –and they do, by the way –then I say why not dream big.

I got the idea for this post after sitting down by the pool  in my building. I touched on it a bit in the last post turn it around. One of my neighbors was on her cell phone going on and on about how crappy her life was, complaining about some issue she was having with Comcast and AT&T. Seriously? You’re sitting by a beautiful pool on a beautiful summer day in beautiful wine country, and you’re complaining about your internet provider?  My daughter and I were lounging nearby, totally present in the moment, totally enjoying where we were, sitting in one of the top vacation destinations in the world, and we get to live here.

It really made me think, what if we just enjoyed right where we are, in the moment, and looked around for things to appreciate, things to love, and milked them for all they were worth?  What if we complimented instead of complained?  What if when someone complimented us we just said, “thank you,” instead of trying to talk them out of their admiration and appreciation of us?  What if we didn’t have something nice to say about ourselves, someone else or a dilemma we are dealing with we just shut the hell up?  I don’t know about you but looking at problems and talking about them incessantly is getting really old.  It doesn’t help anything AND it doesn’t feel good, in case it matters.

Last year C, got a purple rubber bracelet from an organization, A Complaint Free World. The idea was to wear the bracelet on one wrist for 30 days. The catch: you could only keep the bracelet on that wrist if you did not let one complaint pass your lips. If it did, you had to switch wrists.  At first, you might move the band two or three times a day. Eventually,  you might keep in on a whole day . . .or even a whole week!  Imagine a whole month.  Give it a try, you’ll be amazed how many times you notice yourself being negative and once you notice, you can make a conscious effort to change the way you see things and what you say about them.  xo-K

My two cents:  Consciously turn whatever you say into a positive and if you can’t, don’t say anything at all.


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believe it or not

I was having lunch today with a friend I hadn’t seen for a while. We ran into each other after church service and were in one of my fav cafes, catching up on each others lives.  Our waitress was rather distracted and I made a comment about how long it took to get a cup of coffee. My friend quickly agreed. “Well you know,” I said. “We usually see in others what we don’t like about ourselves.” This time, my friend quickly disagreed. “I don’t believe that,” she said. “I don’t think it works like that.” I smiled. “That’s okay,” I replied. “You don’t have to.”

I’m not out to convert anyone. I also think that universal laws are in place whether you agree with them or not. Can I just say? I’m so glad to have reached a point where I don’t feel like everyone has to agree with me in order for the world to make sense. You don’t have to know how electricity works, but if you flip the switch, lights will come on anyway. You don’t have to understand gravity either, but if you trip, you may fall. I’m just sayin’. . . . It isn’t my job to try to make everyone think like me. In fact, I rather like it when they don’t.

So I said to my friend, “well, in my case, maybe I’m not as focused as I could be, and I see that in the waitress.” She didn’t know what to do with this new information. She thought that I had been making a remark about her state of consciousness, when really, I had been making one about mine.  I let it go. She wasn’t ready to hear it.

Byron Katie has a process she calls “The Work.” The Work involves asking a series of questions that can help bring you closer to the truth of the matter, if that’s what you want. (Personally, I’m always on a quest for the truth of the matter, but that’s just me. . . .)

The first question you need to ask is: Is it true?  Is it true that the waitress is over looking my needs? Really? No. My needs are always met, and it isn’t the waitress’s job to calm my insecurities.

The next question: How do you react when you think that thought? If I think the waitress is neglecting me, I feel rejected, unloved.

Next question: Can you think of a reason to drop that thought? Yes! I would feel happier, more secure to not believe I’m being singled out and neglected.

Final question: Who would you be without that thought? Happy! Free! Calm!

Okay, now here’s the clincher: The Turn-around. “The waitress isn’t neglecting me, I neglect myself.” Ouch! We always project what we don’t want to own. Getting what you want is easy, especially if what you want is happy, because the only person withholding happy from me, is me. Love, C

My two cents: when you are willing to own your own stuff, your stuff stops tracking you down!

♥♥♥

I know my beliefs have changed over the years, I used to believe what people told me, my parents, friends, the news.  I used to think because a lot of people thought or believed the same thing, it made it true.  Really? I know a lot of people who believe in a lot of different things now, some I agree with and some I don’t.

Abraham says a belief is a thought you keep on thinking, makes sense.  I know  so many people who think and believe in so many different things, who’s right?  I personally think you get to choose what you believe, what your reality is going to be so for right now, I’m going with that.

In my profession I talk to so many different people, people with different lifestyles, different income brackets, different beliefs. I love my clients, and friends, love listening to their stories, I feel I am a student of life and I enjoy what makes people tick and watching their lives unfold.  It is also interesting to me how their lives and my own play out depending on their own personal beliefs.  I am not claiming to know everything, but I have observed a lot of people, many of whom I have known  for years, and I have to tell you their lives are playing out in perfect accordance to what they believe.  Mine too.

It’s amazing, just like C mentioned earlier, we can create a whole scenario, around what we believe.  Be it a waitress being rude or dismissive or  your bf or bff is angry at you for some reason.  We love  the quote, the universe always says yes, and use it often, but I think that we can also apply this to our own thoughts.  We can  get a whole big story going about something, get all fired up about it and BAM, doesn’t it seem like it ends up playing out in your life?  It’s like the universe lines up events that line up with what you are thinking, or maybe, you are just noticing things that line up to what you think or believe.

I don’t know if anyone really knows what makes our beliefs  true, but I have noticed that there is no one way to do anything and I am glad about that.  As for myself, I am going to believe in the things that I want, and focus on them.  I want to believe that most people are good and kind, and I  tend to come into contact with people like that.  If you think that people are not nice or out to get you in some way,  you will probably meet up with those kind of folks along your path.

Do we believe things are going to happen in a certain way because they have played out that way in the past?  So we also have expectation, in the mix now too. We’ll get into that one next time.  As for me, I get to choose my thoughts, I get to choose what I put my attention on, and I get to choose what I believe in. xo-K

My two cents:  If you don’t  like the way your life is playing out, change the way you are looking at it.

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it takes as long as it takes

I was talking to one of my bffs the other day, a girl wh0 goes in and out of hell  pretty much daily. She’s at war with her ex and it’s a battle of wills, the kind of battle that can never really be won and she knows it but for some reason she just can’t let it go.

My friend wants it to be over but she also wants to be right and wants to win, a  deadly combination.  In one minute she wants it to be done, she can’t stand dealing with him or his drama  for another minute and doesn’t care if she wins or who has to pay.  Then. . . she thinks about it and that’s where the trouble starts.  “It’s not fair,”  she cries, and now she wants to win.

Is she justified? Yes. Does she deserve to win? Oh hell yeah.  Is that stopping the ending from beginning?  Yes my darling it is.

Does she want to be right or be happy?  She wants  both, and frankly that is the problem because both is not an option.  Sorry, you have to choose. It’s hard, but it can be done, and it takes as long as it takes.  I love my friend to death but when she reports on the latest, way he’s done me wrong, I can’t help but think, you could end this right here, right now. . .just let it go.

No one person is your source. No one is responsible for your happiness but you.  If you don’t like what is going on, either get out of it or if that isn’t possible, look at it in a different light.  What other choice do you have?  If you can’t see it in a way that you feel okay about, then maybe you need to look at something else.  Some other aspect in you life that is working.  That does make you happy.  It’s always a choice.

If you are always looking to others to do things in a way that works for you or say the perfect thing or you can only be happy when you hit all the green lights on the way to work and nobody says anything to hurt your feelings, you have a tough road ahead of you.

I have learned from years of looking at things from all different perspectives that there are as many green lights as red, but most people don’t seem to notice the good things as much as the things that annoy or irritate them. You can’t make the light change shades by sheer will but you can change the way you feel when sitting at the red light.  Stop, look around, notice something beautiful.

And if you can’t manage to do that don’t worry, just give it some time,  with a little practice you can master being happy no matter what the circumstances are, but in the mean time, if those red lights are driving you  crazy and ruining your day. . . leave 5 minutes earlier.  Just a suggestion. xo-K

My two cents:  Just like you wouldn’t scream at a two year old, “get up ya little dummy”  when he falls learning to walk, don’t be hard on yourself when you don’t get it.  Just know that only YOU can change the way you look at things.

♥♥♥

Marianne Williamson has a prayer that I adore and which is brilliant in its simplicity. It goes like this: “Dear God, please don’t change this situation before me, but help me to change my mind about it.”

It isn’t that your spouse left you for another woman when you were three months pregnant, it is the thoughts you hold about that affair. There are so many feelings you can attach to a situation like that. Betrayal, sadness, rage, anger, the whole spectrum of pain and suffering. And they are all valid. But the truth is, you are the one who attaches the pain and the suffering, no one else. There is a saying about resentment: it’s like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Love it!

Sometimes life lessons knock us off our pins. Sometimes we aren’t done with the tug of war because we feel like if we stop fighting and just let it be, it will mean we don’t care or that our love never mattered or that no one will love us ever again. We do such a number on ourselves.

Byron Katie had a technique called The Work. It mostly involves taking a position and then asking a number of questions to determine if your thoughts about it are “true.”  For instance, the woman whose husband left her could say, “he should pay for what he did to me.” Is this true? Did she really have no part in the rift that eventually divided their marriage, no responsibility?  The final element of Katie’s work is to turn it around. The abandoned woman could say, “I left me long before he did.” You know when you hit on the truth. Rather, you feel it. You get goosebumps, or let loose a big sigh, or feel a chill. You know.

When you ask God to help you change your mind about a situation, you are really asking for peace. You are really asking to detach from the pain and suffering that you have attached to the scene (which your soul really just created to give you a chance to heal a past emotional wound). The pain only exists in our mind anyway, right? You can’t point to a room in your house and say ‘this is where betrayal lives.’ It’s just an idea. And like any idea, you can either think it over and over and over again until it becomes a belief, or you can let it go. Love, C

My two cents: We are all just bumping around here, doing the best we can, trying to remember that we are all emissaries of love, learning to love again.


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