Tag Archives: fall in love

three simple things

It’s no secret that relationships require maintenance. Heck, even the best romance hits a rough patch now and then. When a dull or even sharp crisis arises, our primitive brain kicks in and we (predictably) revert back to cave girl fight or flee behavior. Our primitive brain equates conflict with a sabertooth tiger and then we say and do things that we later come to regret. Does it have to be this hard?

In a word, no. In his relationship bible called Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix has  an exercise he uses with troubled couples and it works so well he uses it in his own marriage as a daily practice. I read about this little drill last night before I went to sleep, and I dreamed about it all night. It is, quite simply, brilliant. Hendrix calls the exercise ‘three things.’

When a pair of anguished lovers come to Hendrix to help resolve their disputes, they agree on the “boundaries” of the therapy, and then they begin with the ‘three things.’  Each partner in the relationship writes down a list of ten things that they would like the other to do for them. These are pleasant things that make them feel safe, loved, secure in the lovingkindess of the other. These could be  things like ‘bring me flowers,’ or ‘rub my neck for five minutes,’  or ‘make me toast in the morning.’ Small things, elegant gestures of affection.

Once the lists are made, each partner agrees to do three things each day from the other’s list, as a gift with no strings attached. They perform the tasks as an act of love, not of negotiation or a barter for something else. Often, these are behaviors that each may have performed when they were still in the rosy courtship phase of their relationship, thoughtful things they did when their only intention was to please the other. Sometimes these are gestures that as a child made the person feel totally safe and loved in the world. Hendrix found that as the partners performed these behaviors, their attitudes and feelings began to soften, that love is able to overpower the jealousy or insecurity or anxiety that the ego had become fixated upon, and love became to most dominant feeling once again.

Sounds so simple, right? Instead of digging in, it only takes one to enter choose grace for the other to put his or her guard down long enough to feel those yummy feelings we only want to feel anyway, right? I think that in a healthy, robust relationship we tend to do things to please our partner naturally. But it’s easy to forget. It’s easy to get caught up in kids and cars and careers and yaddah. The best relationships I know are ones where two people consciously make an effort to make the other a priority. But just in case, it’s good to make three simple things a habit. Love, C

My two cents: good habits trump bad habits every time!

♥♥♥

I love this post C, and I so get it.  Abraham says, if there are nine things you like about your partner and one thing you don’t, if you focus on the one thing, the relationship won’t work, but the opposite is also true, if there are nine thing you dislike about your partner and one thing you adore and you focus on that one thing your relationship will flourish.

Sometimes when I have a new client and after I am clear about what we are doing with their hair, I try to get to know them, their life, what is important to them. Hey, I spend a lot of time with my clients and I really develop a relationship with them.  Some people are a little harder to get to know than others.  A great way to really get someone to talk and open up is to ask them about  how they met their spouse or about their  wedding.  You can’t even imagine the glow of someone who is almost time traveling back to a time when they were young and in love, and probably haven’t felt that kind of love for their significant other in I don’t even know how long.

Forget about how much their husband of 25 years just made them crazy out of their minds just this morning at breakfast, ask them about the way that man asked for their hand and he turns into price charming in the here and now.  I have done this on more than one occasion and I have to say it is quite lovely to see the change in the face of someone who just minutes before was tired, feeling old, possibly unappreciated, and not very hopeful, turn into a beautiful girl, so hopeful and full of promise before your very eyes.

I’m not talking about making someone out to be something they are not, what I am suggesting is that you look for the best in your partner, or business associate, or friend.  Focus on the best parts of them. The reasons why they are in your life in the first place.  And by the way you are not doing this for them, you are doing this for you.  When you focus on all the wonderful things about someone you love, someone you chose to spend your whole life with or someone who you pick to be your best friend or maybe your child, it just plain feels good.  Revisit why you decided to love that person in the first place. xo-K

My two cents:  Focus on what is great about the people you love, not for their benefit but just because it feels so good.


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unpretty

The topic of bitches seems to have ignited some controversy. Maybe  it’s hit something at the core of our being. We love the bitch, and we hate her. She is the killer and the healer. She is the seer and the truth-speaker. She is the seducer, the power broker, the bad ass. She is a dangerous beautiful one, and she’s in every one of us. She may be part of us, but in some of us she’s a sleeping beauty, and that’s too bad.

Some of my favorite movie heroines are the ones who have fallen under the spell of believing there is something wrong with them, and that ultimately, they are “not pretty” enough to deserve the love they crave.  These are characters like Michelle Pfiffer in Frankie and Johnny, or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. And without doubt, these are women who have been rode hard and put up wet, women who were probably damaged in some way along the line when they were young, and as adults, they’ve carried that “not good-enough-ness” around with them and called it a life.

As an aside, can I just say? Michelle and Julia are not what I would consider classic beauties. Their unusual features probably got them teased quite a bit as kids. As a result they probably developed their inner bitch a little bit, learned how to get what they want. I don’t know either of these ladies, I’m just sayin’.

Anyway back to our sad leading ladies (and we’re all the leading lady in the movies of our lives, right?). We have to assume that someone, somewhere along the line told them that they were bad, or unloveable, or dumb, or not pretty or (fill in the blank)_______________. And then they believed it. Then they started making bad choices in life and in men, all which served to reinforce their barely-there self esteem, and it became first a habit, then a way of life. Sad.

Fortunately for our girls, they had a couple of hot leading men (Al Pacino and Richard Gere) to convince them that they were worthy and noble and brave, so they too, began to believe.  Of course it would have been much better if our girls had  come to those conclusions on their own, but sometimes we need a little help from our friends and we’re really lucky when that kind of love comes around. You know the kind, the love that sees you for the radiant goddess that you are. But if you’re waiting for Prince Darling to come along and declare you whole and healed and ready for the great love of your life, well then sister, you better bitch up. Say yes to what’s good for you. Draw boundaries. Say no to what you don’t want to do. Say goodbye to the people and other habits in your life that don’t fit the inner bitch.  Become a strong, confident, un-clingy, bodacious, healthy woman, the kind the man you want would be with.

Because energy matches energy, until you start respecting yourself, you”ll keep attracting the ones who are less than the One, because you’re behaving like less than the One’s One and it has nothing to do with “pretty.” Love, C

My two cents: embrace your inner bitch and she’ll embrace you back!

♥♥♥

I just love Frankie and Johnnie, you have to take a moment and click on the link.  That is of my favorite scenes, good find C.  It is so obvious that Al is crazy about Michelle but she just can’t believe it or accept it, so sad.  Whether someone who was supposed to love you as a child didn’t, or maybe someone from school or that first boyfriend made you feel bad, unpretty, unlovable or just not good enough.  Probably had nothing to do with you, but it sure can do a number on your head.

It really is wonderful when someone who can really see your beauty comes along like Al Pacino in Frankie and Johnnie, but if you don’t feel worthy, and you don’t believe it,  you can let it get away.  Most of the time what happens is that you attract people who treat you the way you think you should be treated, how people from your past treated you.  It just affirms what you have always thought, all men are bad, they cheat, love hurts, or whatever the old tapes that you play in your head say.

Water does rise to it’s own level but it also rises to it’s own illusion.  If you think you are unworthy you will attract to that level.  Even when it’s nowhere near the truth.  I was talking to a friend the other day, great girl, beautiful, funny, but she is surrounded by people who are full of drama and treat her poorly.  Does she deserve it?  Hell no, but she is attracting it, so I think she needs to take a break and think about why people in her life think it’s okay to dump on her, and why she even thinks that these people are her friends.  I guess if this has been a pattern that has been repeated throughout your life, it seems your only options are crappy friends or no friends.  Cheating, lowdown bf or being alone.

Those are not your only choices but you need to know that.  Start looking for and noticing things that you like about yourself, start really seeing your beauty, know how worthy you are.  You deserve the best, so know it, own it and draw it in. xo-K

My two cents:  You get to pick who you allow to be in your life.  So be choosy.

 

 

 

 

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two a T

C and I have been friends for years.  We are so alike but so different. Different political views, different educational background, different family background, you name it.   As I have noted before we live in different states and are blogging remotely and are on the phone constantly.  Even before we started this blog, we were  working on our “stuff.” We always seemed to be kinda on a similar path, spiritually and in our relationships with men.  And at one point we even thought we were dating the same guy. . . .

So one day, C comes in to the salon and she is just glowing.  I met someone! she exclaimed.  “Wow,” I said, “That’s awesome.  I’m so excited for you!”  I had just started dating someone myself but it was still so new, I let her go first.  His name is “T,” she went into all the stats of her new beau and I felt — actually I don’t know what I felt in that moment it was so long ago –but I do remember that I too, was dating a guy named “T” and it was all sounding very familiar. Like she was talking about my guy.  So many similarities: same line of business, check; age, check; boat, check. There was one big thing that we were going to find out later on down the line.  Neither one of these handsome suitors, and yes we did eventually get them into the same room together at one point, was ever going to commit to either one of us. . . ever.

And I have to say it was not for lack of creative manipulation on both of our parts. We worked it, in every way we could. We spent a lot of time and energy talking about how elusive the little buggers were and how we were going to be so amazing and indispensable that there was no way they would ever want to let either of us go.

Thinking back on that time, we spent so much time dissecting every conversation we each had with our “T’s,” getting each others’ opinion on what the other thought he meant by that comment he made or didn’t make.  If men only knew what women really talked about when they weren’t around!  Oh my, well it’s just a good thing they don’t.  So much drama, my head hurts just thinking about it.

Instead of just living in the moment, letting whatever is supposed to happen happen and actually enjoying someone’s company, we  always have to be planning the future and every move someone makes has to have some hidden meaning, doesn’t it?  Some clue as to what is going to happen next or not happen. . . .

Years later and after hundreds of hours logged on via telephone between C and me, both of the “Ts” were history. C had her end after being left on the side of the road after a disagreement during what was supposed be a romantic getaway in Maui. As for me, I just got tired of running back and forth between two houses with a duffel bag and waiting for someone who was supposed to love me to ask me to stay in one place permanently.

They were the ones who couldn’t commit, we cried,  as we had what would be one of many pity parties.  We were there and we were ready, they were the ones with the problems, right?  We both felt so justifiably hurt and angry.  So. . . why do you think that both of these confirmed bachelors were married to the next girls they dated after we broke it off with them?  Ouch!

Maybe they were not the ones with the commitment issues after all.

To be continued…. xo-K

My two cents:  Relationships are like mirrors, what is being reflected back to you is always YOU.

♥♥♥

Okay, no one ever said this work was easy, but sometimes you have to just allow yourself to laugh about it, right??  I remember that golden day, sitting in K’s salon, having told her all about my new beau. I remember thinking it was such a funny coincidence that our two T’s were so similar.  Yeah, the cosmos has quite a sense of humor!

I met my T on my back porch. Literally. I woke up one morning, and wearing little more than an over-sized denim shirt, stumbled into my living room, and gazed out the sliding window at what looked like a Norse god. Yum. I opened the door and said, “what the hell are you doing on my porch? Tell me quick or I’m calling the cops!” Or something friendly like that. Hey! A girl living alone doesn’t take chances when strange men appear on her doorstep. Oh, wait.

Anyway, it all seemed meant to be. I mean seriously? My doorstep! The first time we kissed was like jumping into the path of a runaway train. No going back, baby. Was he The One? Oh, heck no. Did he show up in my life to teach me lessons? Big time. He was one of my biggest projects to date. And for that, a part of me will always love him for it. I’ll even love the fact that one week after he dropped me off on the side of the road in Maui, he IM’d me to tell me he was getting married. And today? I’m soooo glad I wasn’t the one he married. And I’m about 99.999 percent sure that K is over the moon she didn’t marry her T, either.

Every relationship you have is really about one person: you. So, here’s the deal. You can work on your “stuff” in a relationship, or you can work on it outside a relationship. It’s just easier when there’s two. Marianne Williamson says that relationships are like rock tumblers for the soul. They rub off all the sharp edges.

You would have thought that the T’s put us off love, but au contraire, mon amie! We still believe in the fairy tale ending. Love, C

My two cents: each relationship you have gives you exactly what you need to heal, in the moment. Bless it them all, especially the so-called bad ones.



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texting isn’t dating

Dating in the digital age is not for the faint of heart, is it? There are so many more options today than ever before in the history of this crazy little blue marble rolling around in space.

One of my dear new friends in my new home town met the love of her life before the digital dating phenom got rolling. She and her gal pals were sharing dinner out one night lamenting the single life (as women have been doing since the dawn of time), and one thing led to another. Before the night ended, these smart, sexy, sassy women all made a pact to run a post in one of the local weekly papers known for concert reviews, leftist political views, and explicit and not-so-explicit classified personal ads.

My friend ran her ad and got several responses. She made such an impression on one guy she met for coffee that he canceled the date he had with another lady he’d connected with from the classifieds. Throughout their courtship, my friend’s sweetheart wooed her by writing her one romantic letter a month for 36 months. At then end of the third year of love letters, he proposed. omg! Such a love story.

Fast forward to 2010: now we have online dating services and cell phones and text messages. We are dating in a digital age no one ever dreamed of. People still meet in the produce aisle, at church picnics, on the bus.  They also meet in cyberspace with photos and bios and various fictional versions of their their life stories.  Since venturing into the cyber-classifieds, I’ve taken the necessary precautions to avoid cyber-creeps. But I’ve always said you can meet a creep at an ice-cream social, so caveat emptor is the motto of  dating adults everywhere.

So recently, I found myself exchanging emails and text messages with a person of interest.  Yes, we met online, so the email and texting are not entirely unrelated to the whole e-dating process.  The thing is, we’ve met in-person. Clear and mutual interest was expressed by both parties. We even touched lips,  swapped spit. . . And yet? No forward movement. I figured, he’s just not that into me and was prepared to move on. Then we started up with the texts and flirty emails again. It was fun, but no hints about meeting up. Started to feel weird. Of course, K and I talked about it. The radar started to pingpingping. It’s not natural to meet someone you like and not want to spend time together. Unless. . .unless. Okay, girls. We all know what that “unless” means.  Something’s not on the up and up. The story isn’t holding together. We’ve all been in that place where our intuition started to warn us off and we ignored it, haven’t we? Can we all agree to not do that anymore?

The truth is, texting is not dating. Emails are not a relationship. Romance at a distance is the safety valve for someone who isn’t really ready for love. Not that any one of these things is wrong. Unless you want an authentic relationship, which every goddess is worthy of, btw.  I’m just sayin.’ Love, C

My two cents: be willing to walk away and never  settle for less than you really want!

♥♥♥

As I have mentioned before, I have been on dating hiatus for a while and don’t have experience with digital dating, but I do know a thing or10 about signs and when actions and words don’t jive.  So when C filled me in on what was going on with Mr. e-mailer/texter, something definitely was feeling a little off to me.  I totally understand emailing and such in the beginning of online dating, it’s fun, flirty and relatively safe.  Who hasn’t experienced the giddy feeling of opening up your inbox in the morning to a fun little note from a boy you are interested in.  That can go on for as long or short a period as the two people involved feel comfortable with.  For me and my experience with blind dating, I would rather get right to it.  Physical attraction is a big thing and I think a lot gets lost in translation when your only communication is email and text. So when I meet someone new for a coffee or a glass of wine I usually get a pretty good read if I am going to be interested in moving forward right away.  It is usually a, oh yea, yippee, he looks cool, or, there is no way in hell.

I am not being superficial and I am not talking about just the way someone looks, it’s more than that.  It is their vibe, the feeling you get when you are face to face with someone that as flirty as a text is it’s just never the same.

So back to said dilemma, what if there seems to be mutual interest between you and Mr. blind date/online guy and things go back to just texting and e-mailing?  I can’t say that that has ever happened to me but it doesn’t sound like something I would spend a lot of time with. . . but hey that’s me.  I guess maybe sometimes people want to take things slow but come on!!!

I guess it all goes back to knowing what exactly it is that you want and holding out for it.  I know for me no where on my list of things I want in a man is someone who is afraid of getting hurt so much  they have to move in reverse, nor am I looking for someone who doesn’t trust his own judgment.  But that’s my thing.  xo-K

My two cents:  Be true to yourself, know what you want in a relationship and never settle.

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crash into me

One of my all-time favorite romantic comedies is Bull Durham. In it, Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon), is about to seduce young-hunky-dumb Ebbie Calvin LaLoosh (Tim Robbins), the new up and coming star of the minor leagues. In the wings, veteran ball player Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) has been kicked from the Majors back down to the Minors and quietly waits to finish his career and maybe to dazzle Annie.

Crash finally gets Annie’s attention after she has told the two men that they are competing with each other for her affection. It is then Costner delivers one of the greatest romantic comedy lines of all time: “Well,” he tells her before walking out the door. “I believe in. . .the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot. . .opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

Annie can only reply, “Oh, my.” I mean, seriously? There is only one thing to do with the guy that can deliver a line like that: take him home. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

Of course, Annie did not do this right away. She was teaching the young punk with a 90 mph arm how to harness his thoughts, how to discipline his focus. The fact that she did this by convincing him to wear a garter belt and breathe through his eyeballs was just pure bonus. He was a punk and he sort of deserved it, but also, Annie had a mission. She was like Aphrodite, training the novice love warrior in the art of irony and the way of devotion. But even as she was spending her time with the young no-hitter, she secretly knew that Crash Davis was more compelling, more interesting, far deeper, and more capable of the long, slow burn. One of the things that made Crash so attractive is that he had some miles on him. He had cultivated humility, had earned every gray hair, every sly move.  He had been around the block, knew who he was, and was infinitely more interesting for it.

Back to the great speech: no pun intended, but in those few sentences, Crash manages to cover all the bases as follows:  reverence for women, the grace of a well placed move, the importance of health, the non-negotiable of pleasure, an ability to see beyond appearances, political free-thinking, honor for excellence, an appreciation for perfection, and respect for tradition. . .not to mention an off-the-chart hot-o-meter. Let us not forget, he started his soliloquy with reverence for the goddess, a quality never to be underestimated. Cheers, girls! Love, C

My two cents: You can star in the movie of your life or you can sit in the audience  and watch it all go by.

***

I love how C uses movies for metaphors and I love music reference.  I don’t really remember Bull Duhram, I mean I remember parts but nothing I could quote.  But now that my memory is refreshed, (thanks C), I remember loving the messages in that movie.  One in particular, men love a little healthy competition regarding the ladies, especially those jock types. And what girl doesn’t love two cute boys fighting over her?  Nothing makes a girl feel sexier than feeling wanted.

I don’t know about you but I can’t think of anything that makes me happier than someone I adore looking at me with his head cocked to the side.  You know the look, that  “Awwww, I am just crazy about you” head cock.  Simple, doesn’t cost any money, and you can’t fake it.  Yea, there is nothing like a good old fashioned love fest. Sitting around, doing nothing special  but staring into each other’s eyes, and adoring each other.  Sickening but sweet to the innocent bystander but it doesn’t matter to you.  Not that you even realize there was anyone even there in the room with you!

So just for fun, let’s go back come on you know you’ve got one, that one fav boyfriend, the one who knocked your socks off and made you believe in love for the first time (or believe in love again).  Go back, what was going on? What was your favorite song at the time?  What did you do and where did you go? Go back and remember every delicious detail.  If you haven’t yet had that feeling yet, find a movie relationship that feels close to how you would love to feel and relish that for a bit.

There is a reason for this, the more you recognize what makes you happy and feel good, the easier it will be to recognize it when it comes.  I still love my go-to, good feeling, fav boyfriend, and even though we didn’t last, all I have to do is think of him and it makes me happy.  Oh, and my go-to song to get me feeling great? “More than a Feeling” by Boston.  It’s a sure thing.  xo-K

My two cents:  Have a go-to, feel good, something.

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my funny Valentine~

I spent some time with my two sisters this Valentine’s Day. Naturally, they wanted to know what crazy thing I was up to, so I told them I was writing a blog about love, and they both kind of looked at me like ‘but why?’ I could barely explain, and then my darling sister from Oklahoma (we were born three years and a day apart) shared a voicemail with me that she received from her husband of 25+ years and I was reduced to a sappy love puddle and said see? This is what I’m talkin’ about! Mind you, we were near Vancouver, BC, and he was back home in their big, beautiful home on the plains two time zones away, and he called to leave this message in his gruff man voice: “I love you, and I miss you. Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart.”  Seriously, the love in his voice about killed me. Also, it totally inspired me. Just thought I’d share. Love, C&K

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losing yourself in love

Relationships are all about balance, you know? Give too little, and they wither on the vine. Give too much, and you run the risk of losing your sense of self. Oh, yeah. . .been there, done that, bought the whole truckload of tee shirts!

Why do we give ourselves away so easily after we’ve worked so hard to become the bright, radiant, sassy, sexy, capable goddesses that we are? I don’t think it’s because we’re flawed. I think it’s because we are so amazing, that we care so completely. Our well of compassion is so full and so deep, it feels like we have an endless supply to give to those we love. We have so much love to give that it seems impossible to give too much. Unfortunately, we’re also conditioned to put ourselves at the end of that people-to-love, list so that after we’re done doing for others and doing for others and doing for others, our well runs dry and we snap like on old dry twig. It’s easy to get lost in love. Thank goodness, we have our girlfriends, our sisters,  our daughters, to remind us to ‘put our own oxygen mask on first.’

Here’s the thing about goals: they have a way to completing themselves when you write them down. Like magic! I suggest that you make three goals for self care and that you share them with your best friend, who will monitor your progress and help you celebrate when you achieve them.

1. Take time for yourself each day. Even if it’s only five minutes locked in the bathroom, listening to your favorite music on your iPod. Do it.

2. Do one nice thing for yourself each month. Get a pedi. Take a bubblebath. Go for high tea at the Four Seasons. Do it.

3. Once a year, get away. Plan a girls weekend. Go on a retreat. Take a seminar. Do it.

This isn’t about indulgence. Okay, maybe it is. But the point is this: make you the focus of you once in a while. Give yourself some of that sweet lovin’ you rain on everyone around you. Nurture yourself. Love yourself. You’ll be a better person for it. Love, C

My two cents: remember, you are a goddess! Treat yourself like one.

***

I was just having three hour coffee with my dear friend discussing this very subject.  I have been dealing with resistance and working through that.  I feel as if I have made some headway, and this was a big one for me.  When I am single, I have no problem filling myself up, and taking time for me.  I have my weekly massage, and a pedi once a month, got that down no problem.  Even being a mom, I make time for me.  I think that is being a good role model for my daughter, take care of you, then give to others.  Makes sense, right?  I was just  having a little anxiety around still taking care of me, doing the things I like to do and not putting myself last when I have a man in my life.  I have lost myself before, but you know what?  I know now, that I will consciously care for myself.  Between chatting with my friend for hours around this and now reading C’s post, I know that I can stay me even when I become a we.

Maybe, just to be safe I will print this out and post it on my bathroom mirror as a reminder.  xo-K

My two cents:  Be true to you!

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