Okay, so there I was, playing nice on a work project with a team, when I realized that one of the team members started giving off some really icky vibes. I didn’t say anything, just kept observing the individual. The weird vibe was consistent. Over time, I knew it was there, and then today: BAM, it all came to a head.
In a way, I was relieved, because it confirmed my intuitive hit: something was off. Now that I think about the situation, I know that there are several more element in play, even though he denies it. Before, I would have tried to engage him about what he was saying, even though I knew he declared I was wrong. Now, I know that there is more going on than meets the eye. I know that there is a nasty little piece of work in play, even though my colleague says there’s nothing more to it.
Oh, please, don’t think that I am all fluffy puppies and moonbeams about all this. Heck no! I got all up in my stuff about it, all defensive, all co-dependent. Sigh. In case you still think that things are just random and circumstances just “happen,” think again. Just as I am going through my little drama, guess who calls? K! So there I am, all off-center, off-balance, SO not in my goddess all-knowing. I needed to vent. And bless her, K listened. See, I so love her about this: sometimes she really calls me on my sh*t, knowing when I can handle it. But this time, she just listened and supported me, told me to stand firm, stand tall. But most of all, she said, “that’s so 3D, such an illusion. Let’s just think about doing God’s work.” Wow: talk about a shift.
When I get all twisted up, Marianne Williamson has a prayer that gives me comfort and it goes like this: “Dear God, where would you have me serve?” That pretty much takes the ego out of it, totally deflates the defensiveness. Where would YOU have me serve? Not my sad little ego, my wounded little self, but You who know all things and know better than me why this drama is rising up and grabbing my attention. Still haven’t worked that out yet, but I can tell you I stand in a place of power when I consider the players in this little drama, the hurtful things they say, and know exactly what they do not say.
People lie all the time, and they think no one knows. There is no angel standing by taking notes about our so-called sins, as I was taught in catechism class. No, it’s us. We know. We know when someone is lying to us, deceiving us, saying one thing and thinking another. We are all psychic. We know, if we are only willing to honor our knowing. Love, C
My two cents: Trust your gut. It is never wrong.
Sometimes this work is just exhausting. . . grrr. Sometimes it seems like there is no end to it, like what’s the point? When do things start getting easy?
C texted me earlier today and was not in a good space, I called her a bit later, when I had a color processing and she filled me in on the jerk she was dealing with at her office . She was frustrated, because someone who has no idea what she does or how good she is at her job with trying to tell her how she should be doing it his way and his way of course is better. NOT. As much as she really didn’t want to hear it in that moment, I told her there was something in it for her.
Whenever something keeps coming up in a similar fashion, there is something we are not getting, and a lot of times it has to do with us standing up for ourselves, and not going against our gut when we know we are right. I told C about my experiences with clients who come in and try to tell me how to do my job. I want my clients to be happy, and they get to pick whatever style or color they want. I do give my opinion but ultimately it is their hair, their choice. What they don’t get to pick is how I get the end result. I am the expert I do things my way, period. I have learned the hard way that when I let someone sway me to do thing against my better judgment and things don’t turn out well, they are not happy and neither am I. Then on top of it, if I do what they want and it doesn’t turn out, who’s fault is it in the end? Mine of course. Seriously?
I decided a few years ago, I have to do what I am good at, do what I think is right, and not let anyone, ever, make me doubt myself. I am confident in my skills, and abilities and who I am as a person and I am always going to stand up for me. As much as I would defend a friend, and have their back, I will have my own back.
I have learned to never go against what I believe in, never let anyone change how I feel about myself as a person, or change how I do things because I have fear that they won’t love me, approve of me or even that I will lose my job. I will never again, second guess myself, sell myself short or let anyone’s opinion of me override my opinion of me. That is my commitment to myself, and I know that if I can hold true to that, everything will just fall into place in my world. xo-K
My two cents: Nobody can do you as well as you can. Remember that. . .everyday.