best friends forever

When I was in High School my best friend D was my partner in crime.  We got ourselves into all kinds of mayhem, we could plot and scheme our way into or out of anything. Harmless stuff really. Need to borrow a car?  Who cared if we were only fifteen and didn’t have a license? Not us.  Home way past curfew?  We could talk our way out of that.  Hell, we even convinced our counselor that we needed to skip fifth  period psychology every Friday, just ‘cuz.

If we needed to figure anything out, between the two of us we could do it, and do it brilliantly.  We felt like Lucy and Ethel, and of course we always had our Rickys and Freds waiting in the wings, scratching their heads but loving every minute of it.

There is something so wonderful about having a best friend  you can totally depend on,  someone who loves you unconditionally and is always there for you.  The keeper of your secrets and dreams.  I’ve been very lucky to have many best friends throughout my life.  I am an only child, so friends are probably more precious to me since I never had a sibling.  My friends where my family.

I’ve also had my share of boyfriends.   But I’ve never had a boyfriend who was a best friend. I guess I always thought  you had your friends and then you had your dates.  How many hours did the “girls” spend trying to figure out the “boys”?  Way too many. I never considered you could have a partner who was also your best friend.

The  first time I saw an example of this was at an Abraham-Hicks workshop.  It was clear to me that Esther and Jerry Hicks had something very special.  They are partners in crime for sure and they love working together, “being” together, and it’s obvious they really enjoy each other.  I love how they are together.

Last Sunday I was watching “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives,” on the Food Network.   I wasn’t really paying much attention until I saw this couple.  They were driving across the country visiting as many of the “Dives” that Guy Fieri highlighted on the show as they could.  They were so cool, it was clear that they were enjoying what they were doing, and enjoying each other.  They seemed to be having so much fun, so in sync.  Like best friends. Then it hit me,  that’s what I want in a relationship!  xo-K

My two cents:  Once you recognize what you want you start to see more and more examples of it.

♥♥♥

Yeah, friends and lovers.  Sometimes they’re the same person, sometimes they’re not. During one of my most epic break-ups, mi amor cried and said he was losing his best friend. I don’t know what was sadder: the break-up, or that I couldn’t tell him I was losing my bf, too. Ouch to the nth.

Do we expect too much from our lovers? Sometimes, I think so. We have these ideas about who and what they should be and when they show us who they really are, we’re disappointed.  But I don’t think that the way to avoid being disappointed is to stop loving. Oh, heck no.  This tattered heart of mine will continue to beat for love until I’m wearing angel wings, and then some. The answer isn’t to shut down. The answer is perhaps, to love differently.

What we expect from love has evolved over time. The notion of marriage for love is pretty  new, historically speaking. Marriages used to be a business arrangement to secure countries, farms, goats, you name it. Marriage wasn’t about love, it was a transaction. If you got love in the bargain, bonus!  Now that I have become a woman of a certain age, I might even venture to suggest that much of what could be called romantic love is biology at work. I thought I loved my first husband, but now I wonder: was it my heart that was running the show, or my ovaries? Not that I didn’t love him, I did. But maybe not for the reasons I believed.

Best friends are simple. Love is tricky. As a girl, my grandmother fell in love with a boy who lived in a nearby town, but her parents had already chosen a husband for her, my grandfather. Many years later, after Grandpa passed, Grandma looked up her old beau. By then he was widowed too, and they married. In their twilight time, they finally got to express the love they had sparked fifty years earlier. Were they bf’s? I don’t know. But I do know that the initial love they felt had survived the passage of time.

I adore my friends. If my lover also happens to be my bf, I consider myself one lucky girl. Love, C

My two cents: Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your lover closest of all.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4vQwrHZWWk

slow down to speed up

For someone who doesn’t own a TV, I have a pretty good idea of what’s going on.  And I never watch the  “news!”  However, one of the funniest, smartest, sweetest new programs around is Modern Family. Love that show!

One of the characters is a goofy dad who is the biggest dork around, but he always manages to ‘get the job done.’ So, in one episode, the family is running around, trying to get out of the house and on a flight to Hawaii for a big family trip. Mom is going out of her mind trying to hurry everyone along while Dad is calmly walking at a snail’s pace, saying, “fast is slow and slow is fast.” And you know what? He’s right! When you try to push things, speed things up, you trip up and then end up having to repeat each step all over again. Sigh.

When things are going right in my life, doors open as if by magic. The right people show up. The right answers appear. Friendly helpful strangers seem to pop in just when I need them. I love it when that happens! Right now for instance, I’ve been seeing someone whom I really like. It’s new, and we’re probably moving slow by today’s standards.  We’re  playing it sort of old school, and its very sweet. Yeah, I’ve moved into these things faster in the past. . .and that didn’t really work out. Now I’m at the point where I’m not working so hard to “get there.” I’m just enjoying the process.

When someone wants to be with you, they are with you. There are no games, no power struggles. It just flows. Not long ago, I dated someone for a short time who insisted he was busy with his kids on the weekends. I know! Then, while having lunch with a friend, talking about how ‘distant’ this guy seemed, my friend asked how old the kids were. “They’re in their twenties,” I replied. “They’re in college.” Dear P looked at me like, you poor dumb thing. “Trust me,” she said. “He’s not hanging with those kids. At that age, those boys are not all about spending time with Dad.”  Hey! I tend to give parents the benefit of the doubt. . .in all circumstances. I’ve heard more than once, “you don’t have kids, so you can’t understand.”  And they’re right. I don’t always understand, but I do know this: when a relationship — any relationship —is right, it’s simple. Love, C

My two cents: Trust that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. Always.

♥♥♥

I don’t know about you but when I feel the need to hurry things along, make things happen, it’s because I feel if I don’t it won’t happen.  When I feel anxious about something there is usually a reason.  Whenever you put crazy nervous energy behind something it usually doesn’t pan out, and it’s probably just as well.

When something is right, it’s right.  It takes on a life of it’s own and you don’t feel any need to make it do or be anything.  I have watched friends throughout the years chase after relationships trying to make this one be the one. Hey, I have done it myself.   Wanting so much to seal the deal, cross it off the list, get it over with and get on to other things.  Really?  That’s how you want your relationship to play out?  What is wrong with enjoying the journey,  watching it unfold, savoring it, enjoying every delicious moment?  Just askin.’

Here’s why I think we do this thing we do, it’s because on some level we know it’s not going to happen.  We know it’s not the job, the house, or the relationship for us. But, we don’t feel it’s really possible to get exactly what we want so we figure, close enough is good enough. Better snatch this one up before someone else who is close enough to it snatches it up first.  (I can’t believe I just said that).

We spend all this time and energy racing around trying to make things happen,  then we’re so surprised and disappointed when they don’t and we have to start all over from square one.  Could things go any slower?

So sometimes you have to stop. . .just stop, take a breath. . .and just know. . .whether it comes from what your Mother said, what your girlfriends said or some voice that you don’t even know said. .  .just have some faith in whatever. There is a divine plan, things are working out for you, so you don’t have to worry.  Aren’t you glad someone knows better than you?  Aren’t you glad someone has your back? xo-K

My two cents:  I am so grateful that when I am spinning out of control there is someone or something to show me the way.

dating blind

I had breakfast with a friend this morning and told her I had a date tonight. “Text me when you’re done,” she said. That’s how we roll these days. Intro online, meet briefly, text results. My girl and I sat there for a while, talking about the perils and pleasures of dating in the digital age. L married her man when she was in her forties, and a decade later, they are still very much in love. They are sweet to be around, and he adores her.  “Remember, everyone has baggage,” L said as we parted ways.

Call me reckless or foolish (pick one), but a small corner of my romance-believing heart thinks that maybe happiness can be found online, that expanding the numbers of people you encounter exponentially can work for you, like playing the slots at a casino. That by stirring up the cosmic pot of attraction, fate and destiny will conspire to deliver romance right to my door. Hey! It’s a theory!  So then, here are the results of dating blind thus far:

Bachelor Number One was a really nice guy with boy-next-door good looks,  who is still reallllly angry about the tragic death of his wife ten years ago in a completely random accident and who is tenderly caring for an aging labrador that as a couple they adopted when the old girl was still a pup. That dog is his most loyal and steadfast companion and it gives me shivers to see that heartbreak peeking over the horizon.

Bachelor Number Two, was the retired physician who was really smart, I mean really, like Mensa, smart. And interesting. World traveler. Dancer. Smooth, except he thought it was entirely appropriate to try to feel me up as we sat side by side in a romantic little resto on our third date. Oops. Come on!

Then, there was Groovy Guy, dude who was hella fun on our first/last/only meet up and who felt safer texting than actually meeting face to face, so risky. Groovy guy, as it turns out was  smart, funny, sexy as all get out. . . and who’s wounded heart stopped him from being fully present. Pity, because among other things, he gets two girls! Tsk.

A couple of weeks ago, I had coffee with a guy who suggested we meet for the first time  right after his weekly yoga class. Seriously, dude?   Man sweat is so not a first date turn-on.   Anyway, when we finally met, I introduced Yoga Man to a groovy little coffee shop I know, where we talked and swapped stories for an hour or so. Said he’d call. Have yet to hear from him. Could be he pulled a hamstring.

And now we are up tonight’s audition for most beloved new friend and potential love interest: retired pilot.  He thinks I’m spicy, a hot little tomato. He wants to go to cooking school in Tuscany. Hm. As it turns out, I could get used to someone who knows their marinara from their puttanesca!  Love, C

My two cents: suit up, show up, enjoy the adventure!

♥♥♥

This is the reason why, when dating, especially online dating that you get really clear about what you want.  Whether you are looking for love online or just going out and putting yourself in the position to meet a potential partner, know what it is that you are looking for.   When you are interacting with a number of men, as you do when you are meeting online, you need to have a little bit more to go on when choosing, besides the superficial things like how he looks and what he does for a living.  You could possibly be spending a lot of time with this person, possibly the rest of your life, soooo. . .what exactly is it that you are looking for?

It’s so odd that when dating, and perhaps picking a potential life partner, we just kinda go out and wing it. We just bump around and kinda just go out with whoever shows up.  Well not everyone who shows up, but kinda whoever asks you out that seems nice and is physically attractive to you.  You don’t do that when picking a job, or buying a house. Most people are really clear about what they want in a house and they don’t really think about settling.  I think a lot of people put more thought into picking out an outfit to go on the date than actually what they want in the person they are dating.

Sometimes it is easier to start with what you don’t want and go from there.  C was put off with a guy who was going to meet her all sweaty after a yoga class.  Not what she wants, so what does she want?  Maybe someone who puts some thought and consideration and preparation into an initial meeting.  Don’t want to always have to do all the planning for a date?  I know after working all week, making decisions all day and being a mom, I don’t want to have to decide what to do on a date.  I like a man who asks me out and has a plan, or at least throws out a few options for me to pick from and then he makes the arrangements.

I have made a list and it is divided into negotiable and non-negotiables.  There are some things that I would love to have in a partner but if  I meet someone amazing and he doesn’t have or do those things it’s okay, they would be preferred but they are not deal breakers.  Then there are a few thing that are on my no how-no way list.  It is helpful to me because I have been known in the past to jump into something with a super hot guy who has a whole laundry list of characteristics that I didn’t even know that I didn’t want and then I was stuck in love with them and let’s just put it this way, I wish I would have been a little bit clearer about what I was looking for.

We all know about laws of attraction, and we are getting really clear about what happens when you put your attention on something.  So maybe it’s time to take a little time and give some thought about what the perfect relationship would look like.  Besides helping you get clear and upping your chances of getting exactly what you want, it’s a fun exercise as well.  xo–K

My two cents:  Put a little thought into what it is you would prefer, because the universe wants you to have exactly what you want.

dating blind

I had breakfast with a friend this morning and told her I had a date tonight. “Text me when you’re done,” she said. That’s how we roll these days. Intro online, meet briefly, text results. My girl and I sat there for a while, talking about the perils and pleasures of dating in the digital age. L married her man when she was in her forties, and a decade later, they are still very much in love. They are sweet to be around, and he adores her.  “Remember, everyone has baggage,” L said as we parted ways.

Call me reckless or foolish (pick one), but a small corner of my romance-believing heart thinks that maybe happiness can be found online, that expanding the numbers of people you encounter exponentially can work for you, like playing the slots at a casino. That by stirring up the cosmic pot of attraction, fate and destiny will conspire to deliver romance right to my door. Hey! It’s a theory!  So then, here are the results of dating blind thus far:

Bachelor Number One was a really nice guy with boy-next-door good looks,  who is still reallllly angry about the tragic death of his wife ten years ago in a completely random accident and who is tenderly caring for an aging labrador that as a couple they adopted when the old girl was still a pup. That dog is his most loyal and steadfast companion and it gives me shivers to see that heartbreak peering over the horizon.

Bachelor Number Two, was the retired physician who was really smart, I mean really, like Mensa, smart. And interesting. World traveler. Dancer. Smooth, except he thought it was entirely appropriate to try to feel me up as we sat side by side in a romantic little resto on our third date. Come on!

Then, there was Groovy Guy, dude who was hella fun on our first/last/only meet up and who felt safer texting than actually meeting face to face, so risky. Groovy guy, as it turns out was  smart, funny, sexy as all get out. . . and who’s wounded heart stopped him from being fully present. Pity, because among other things, he gets two girls. Tsk.

A couple of weeks ago, I had coffee with a guy who suggested we meet for the first time  right after his weekly yoga class. Seriously, dude?   Man sweat is so not a first date turn-on.   Anyway, when we finally met, I introduced Yoga Man to a fabulous little coffee shop I know, where we talked and swapped stories for an hour or so. I had to get back to work; he said he’d call. Have yet to hear from him. Could be he pulled a hamstring.

And now we are up tonight’s audition for most beloved new friend and potential love interest:  recently retired.  He thinks I’m a spicy little tomato. He wants someone to travel with.  As it turns out, I have a penchant for adventure.  Love, C

My two cents: suit up, show up, enjoy the ride!

♥♥♥

This is the reason why, when dating, especially online dating that you get really clear about what you want.  Whether you are looking for love online or just going out and putting yourself in the position to meet a potential partner, know what it is that you are looking for.   When you are interacting with a number of men, as you do when you are meeting online, you need to have a little bit more to go on when choosing, besides the superficial things like how he looks and what he does for a living.  You could possibly be spending a lot of time with this person, possibly the rest of your life, soooo. . .what exactly is it that you are looking for?

It’s so odd that when dating, and perhaps picking a potential life partner, we just kinda go out and wing it. We just bump around and kinda just go out with whoever shows up.  Well not everyone who shows up, but kinda whoever asks you out that seems nice and is physically attractive to you.  You don’t do that when picking a job, or buying a house. Most people are really clear about what they want in a house and they don’t really think about settling.  I think a lot of people put more thought into picking out an outfit to go on the date than actually what they want in the person they are dating.

Sometimes it is easier to start with what you don’t want and go from there.  C was put off with a guy who was going to meet her all sweaty after a yoga class.  Not what she wants, so what does she want?  Maybe someone who puts some thought and consideration and preparation into an initial meeting.  Don’t want to always have to do all the planning for a date?  I know after working all week, making decisions all day and being a mom, I don’t want to have to decide what to do on a date.  I like a man who asks me out and has a plan, or at least throws out a few options for me to pick from and then he makes the arrangements.

I have made a list and it is divided into negotiable and non-negotiables.  There are some things that I would love to have in a partner but if  I meet someone amazing and he doesn’t have or do those things it’s okay, they would be preferred but they are not deal breakers.  Then there are a few thing that are on my no how-no way list.  It is helpful to me because I have been known in the past to jump into something with a super hot guy who has a whole laundry list of characteristics that I didn’t even know that I didn’t want and then I was stuck in love with them and let’s just put it this way, I wish I would have been a little bit clearer about what I was looking for.

We all know about laws of attraction, and we are getting really clear about what happens when you put your attention on something.  So maybe it’s time to take a little time and give some thought about what the perfect relationship would look like.  Besides helping you get clear and upping your chances of getting exactly what you want, it’s a fun exercise as well.  xo-K

My two cents:  Put a little thought into what it is you would prefer, because the universe wants you to have exactly what you want.

a million miles away….

C and I made a few comments on texting isn’t dating regarding long distance relationships and we got quite a few comments from people who disagreed with what we said.  Since we are just writing from our own experiences and we don’t claim to know everything about everything, it’s worth a closer look. So, naturally, we revisited the topic of long distance love.

It popped into my head just this morning that C and I are having a long distance relationship, granted it is a working relationship, and with telephone, email and texting we don’t need to be in the same place, and we rarely are.  We can both be on our blog site, bumbling through the techie part of this whole thing, and on the phone working it all out.   It’s amazing how we can figure it out being in two different states. But it is working.

What we were talking about was romantic relationships, and I know that is what the people commenting were referring to.  Neither one of us were trying so say that you can’t love someone who doesn’t live in close proximity to you, and we weren’t even implying that there wasn’t a purpose, lesson or anything else that is meaningful that happens when you fall for someone who lives across the country or even a few hours away.

I can only speak for myself, and I have had it happen to me twice. Wasn’t planned, didn’t feel I had a choice in the matter, just meeting someone and feeling swept away, like the relationship was its own separate entity that was going to have its way with you, like it or not.

Since I have had it happen to me, I know how strong it can be.  But I also know how you can think it can be more than it is and there are things that are meant to happen so you have to allow it, but when it starts looking like it’s not going to go any further, sometimes it’s better to just let it go and have some great memories. Not let it get so bad or crazy that you end up hating each other, letting something that was so beautiful become sad and ugly.  Easier said than done.

Back to our original comment dissing long distance relationships:  would I get involved now with someone who I could not get in my car and drive to see if I was missing them terribly?  No, I wouldn’t.  Been there done that and it is heartbreaking and I’m just not up for it anymore.  Do I think those things do sometimes work out?  They can, if they are meant to.  But I know there is a lot of longing and a lot of missing someone. I don’t know about you, but I am ready to be in relationship with someone who if I want to reach over and kiss them, I can, right now.  xo-K

My two cents: Enjoy every relationship that comes into your life, but not everyone needs to  last forever.

♥♥♥

K, I love this topic!  My beloved first (and so far, only) husband and I started off long distance. I lived in the beautiful California wine country, and he was the Los Angeles distributor of the winery I worked for. It was a match made in wine country heaven!  We spent hours on the phone, sending cards and letters (this was before texting — but I still think cards and letters are romantic. Just sayin’), flying back and forth. It was a whirlwind romance. Before we knew it, I had moved to LA, and that’s when the real romance began.

Of course you can love someone long distance. Or rather, you can love the idea of loving them long distance. You can feel all the giddy, dizzy, fluttery, carnival of feelings. You can spend hours on the phone and get to know the best parts of each other virtually, but you can’t really know them until you spend time in the same room.

I get it. I get how your heart beats a little faster when your caller ID illuminates his name. I get how the sound of his voice makes you melt. Hey! One of my personal rule-breakers is that my guy must have a good phone voice: I so get the appeal of a long distance lover!

I just don’t think it’s  a functioning relationship unless you share real estate, where you get to know those daily, less glamorous parts of yourselves with each other and give love a chance to experience the whole package. Celebrity marriages are notoriously fragile and I am convinced it’s because they have so many opportunities to not share living space. And how can you spontaneously and honestly share your secret, succulent, soul-shifting dreams with someone if you can’t look into their eyes and feel the heat of their skin?

The thing is, I think that we’re wired to love. I think that we’re so programmed to love and be loved in return, that we’re willing to project love where it doesn’t actually have a foundation. Don’t get me wrong: the feelings are real. Feelings are always real. But feelings can be like a plate full of whipped cream ~ they look pretty, feel pretty, taste pretty. But when you come right down to it, they’re mostly air. I’m not saying you can’t love like that, I’m just saying that there’s more to real and lasting love.

That said, I also believe that relationships need room to grow. . .they just don’t need 3,000 miles and a million frequent flyer miles to grow! Love, C

My two cents: When destiny calls, it won’t matter if your guy is half way around the world; he will show up.

goodie two shoes

Sometimes being a bitch means honoring yourself first and sometimes that means establishing your boundaries and then sticking to them.  This could upset people who may have gotten used to the sweet you, the girl who shoots sunshine and moonbeams out her butt you, but oops, too bad! Somewhere along the line in the new thought movement, we sort of insisted that everything was cool and fine; or that bad or inconvenient things only happen to other people.

Wouldn’t it be better to be a grown up person and communicate adult to adult? Stopping putting frosting on poo and calling it a cupcake? Just sayin’. Aeons ago, before women could vote and regulate their reproductive systems, and run successful companies, we depended on a sweet nature to make sure we were taken care of. Times have changed and we can take care of ourselves pretty much, but somewhere, some little cog in our brains got stuck on the idea that “nice” = safe. We thought that goodie two shoes got the man, the job, the contract, the three book option; and that’s just so 3-D, right?

In her book, Why Men Love Bitches, Sherry Argov talks about the innate sexiness of women who know who they are and what they’re about and are willing to live in the integrity of who they are. Bitches are not co-dependent; they do not define themselves by how others around them feel. Bitches take responsibility for themselves and for those who are blessed by their love, which is fierce and true. Strong women in touch with their inner goddess are in short supply, and men love them. In case it matters.

If you need a little help defining your boundaries, relationship guru Harville Hendrix describes how to stand your ground on an issue that you feel is important.  The process involves mirror, validate, and empathize. Lets say the bf wants to go to the antique car show with the boys on Sunday afternoon and wants you tag along so he won’t feel too guilty about not spending time with you. Before you leave to be pampered to within an inch of your life at  a spa day with the girls, you say, “darling, I understand that this show is really important to you and I understand you want to hang with your boys and talk manifolds. I really wish I could tag along, but honestly, I don’t want to. Why don’t we both hang with our pals today and then have dinner tonight, just the two of us?”

Mr. Man will love your goodie two shoes bitch of a goddess more for standing her ground than he would if she had gone along with his half-baked plan just to be pleasant, all the while resenting herself and consequently him, like hell. Life is too short to be a goodie two shoes. Speak your truth and be done with it! Love, C

My two cents: You are responsible for no one’s happiness but your own.

♥♥♥

I so love that book, Why Men Love Bitches and am going to have my teen daughter read it.  I was actually expecting something different when I started the book.  I thought it was going to be all, I am woman, hear me roar, or don’t put up with any shit from men, blah, blah, blah.  That’s what most people think when they think bitch. Bitch = martyr.

If you do something you really don’t want to do, expecting someone/that man, to do the same for you, well just be prepared to be mad, hurt, disappointed, etc.  Most men don’t do what they don’t want to do.  Most men shoot from the hip and if they don’t want to do something, guess what?  They don’t.  Most women, and I admit I am being a bit general, but I have talked to thousands of women and I am one so I know how we roll.  Most women, especially in the beginning of a relationship say yes to everything.  They go to that car show or give up their plans at the last minute because they would rather be with their man than do whatever they had planned to do.  I know I have.  So we assume that when the tables are turned and you have something you think is fun to do, and I’m talkin’ girl fun, you think that your guy is going to give up those great seats at the basketball game or whatever and go with you.  And boy, do we get our panties in a knot if he actually says he’s gonna pass.

We cry to our girls, I do it for him, I can’t believe he wouldn’t do (fill in the blank) for me. Well guess what girls, WHO ASKED YOU TO?  If you are doing something you don’t want to do, just to win brownie points or seem like the best girlfriend ever, or manipulate him in some other way, I have to say. Don’t do it.  It doesn’t work and that is when you turn into the real Bitch.

The real cool gf, and this applies to any aspect in your life, work, family, friends etc.,  is the girl who says what she means and means what she says.  Her energy lines up with her words.  She doesn’t say things in a way so that she gets the reaction she wants.  That is just manipulation and anyone can feel it.  They might not know exactly what is going on but they know it doesn’t feel right.   Everything is energy and people can feel when something is just off.  So just be you, be honest with yourself and others about how you truly feel.  Your feelings are valid and you are entitled to feel however you feel.  That was a big one for me.  xo-K

My two cents:  Being too agreeable and sticky sweet is boring and it gets old really fast.

two a T

C and I have been friends for years.  We are so alike but so different. Different political views, different educational background, different family background, you name it.   As I have noted before we live in different states and are blogging remotely and are on the phone constantly.  Even before we started this blog, we were  working on our “stuff.” We always seemed to be kinda on a similar path, spiritually and in our relationships with men.  And at one point we even thought we were dating the same guy. . . .

So one day, C comes in to the salon and she is just glowing.  I met someone! she exclaimed.  “Wow,” I said, “That’s awesome.  I’m so excited for you!”  I had just started dating someone myself but it was still so new, I let her go first.  His name is “T,” she went into all the stats of her new beau and I felt — actually I don’t know what I felt in that moment it was so long ago –but I do remember that I too, was dating a guy named “T” and it was all sounding very familiar. Like she was talking about my guy.  So many similarities: same line of business, check; age, check; boat, check. There was one big thing that we were going to find out later on down the line.  Neither one of these handsome suitors, and yes we did eventually get them into the same room together at one point, was ever going to commit to either one of us. . . ever.

And I have to say it was not for lack of creative manipulation on both of our parts. We worked it, in every way we could. We spent a lot of time and energy talking about how elusive the little buggers were and how we were going to be so amazing and indispensable that there was no way they would ever want to let either of us go.

Thinking back on that time, we spent so much time dissecting every conversation we each had with our “T’s,” getting each others’ opinion on what the other thought he meant by that comment he made or didn’t make.  If men only knew what women really talked about when they weren’t around!  Oh my, well it’s just a good thing they don’t.  So much drama, my head hurts just thinking about it.

Instead of just living in the moment, letting whatever is supposed to happen happen and actually enjoying someone’s company, we  always have to be planning the future and every move someone makes has to have some hidden meaning, doesn’t it?  Some clue as to what is going to happen next or not happen. . . .

Years later and after hundreds of hours logged on via telephone between C and me, both of the “Ts” were history. C had her end after being left on the side of the road after a disagreement during what was supposed be a romantic getaway in Maui. As for me, I just got tired of running back and forth between two houses with a duffel bag and waiting for someone who was supposed to love me to ask me to stay in one place permanently.

They were the ones who couldn’t commit, we cried,  as we had what would be one of many pity parties.  We were there and we were ready, they were the ones with the problems, right?  We both felt so justifiably hurt and angry.  So. . . why do you think that both of these confirmed bachelors were married to the next girls they dated after we broke it off with them?  Ouch!

Maybe they were not the ones with the commitment issues after all.

To be continued…. xo-K

My two cents:  Relationships are like mirrors, what is being reflected back to you is always YOU.

♥♥♥

Okay, no one ever said this work was easy, but sometimes you have to just allow yourself to laugh about it, right??  I remember that golden day, sitting in K’s salon, having told her all about my new beau. I remember thinking it was such a funny coincidence that our two T’s were so similar.  Yeah, the cosmos has quite a sense of humor!

I met my T on my back porch. Literally. I woke up one morning, and wearing little more than an over-sized denim shirt, stumbled into my living room, and gazed out the sliding window at what looked like a Norse god. Yum. I opened the door and said, “what the hell are you doing on my porch? Tell me quick or I’m calling the cops!” Or something friendly like that. Hey! A girl living alone doesn’t take chances when strange men appear on her doorstep. Oh, wait.

Anyway, it all seemed meant to be. I mean seriously? My doorstep! The first time we kissed was like jumping into the path of a runaway train. No going back, baby. Was he The One? Oh, heck no. Did he show up in my life to teach me lessons? Big time. He was one of my biggest projects to date. And for that, a part of me will always love him for it. I’ll even love the fact that one week after he dropped me off on the side of the road in Maui, he IM’d me to tell me he was getting married. And today? I’m soooo glad I wasn’t the one he married. And I’m about 99.999 percent sure that K is over the moon she didn’t marry her T, either.

Every relationship you have is really about one person: you. So, here’s the deal. You can work on your “stuff” in a relationship, or you can work on it outside a relationship. It’s just easier when there’s two. Marianne Williamson says that relationships are like rock tumblers for the soul. They rub off all the sharp edges.

You would have thought that the T’s put us off love, but au contraire, mon amie! We still believe in the fairy tale ending. Love, C

My two cents: each relationship you have gives you exactly what you need to heal, in the moment. Bless it them all, especially the so-called bad ones.

partner or project?

Once upon a time I worked in the tasting room of a beautiful little California winery. It was a fun job and we cellar rats got pretty good at predicting which tourists would come in and say they wanted a “dry” wine when that wasn’t what they wanted at all. Sure enough, they’d say ‘dry,’ we’d pour them a fruity, slightly sweet taste, and their eyes would light up. “Perfect!”

According to Robert Ohotto, we say we want a partner, but sometimes, we’re looking for a project.  However, actions speak louder than words. If you’re currently single, look at the last several people you dated that somehow, mysteriously, didn’t work out.  They all seemed so good, they had so much potential, right? Except for that one little annoying thing. . .and you’re sure that if you’d had enough time, you could have figured out how to fix it. True or false? Come on!

Right, and you married girls are not off the hook, either. Fess up: how long did it take to train the mister in the ways of your world? Weeks, months, never? It’s not a judgment, just an observation. I’m just sayin’ we say partner but think project.

Back in the day, the Temptations teamed up with the fabulous Supremes and released a song called “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me.” Lalala,  it sounded romantic enough, but it was wrong. You can’t make someone love you. You can fool them for a while, you can manipulate them, be a doormat, a sex goddess, a race car mechanic; make yourself available, twist yourself into whatever shape you think will trick him into loving you, but you can’t fool the universe, and manipulation always backfires. Always!

Oh sure, it may work for a while, years even. But what do you do when the project is done, when you finally fall down exhausted from all the effort it takes to work at it, and surrender?

I had the realization that I’ve been guilty of project-ing this morning while talking to K and driving to work.  When it dawned on me that I’ve been a Project Proletariat, I almost drove off the road. (Yeah, even though I drive hands free, it’s still roulette. Kids, don’t try this at home!) I can say without a shred of doubt that the last line up of candidates for my affection were flawed and in the back of my Princess and the Pea brain, I was thinking, ‘oh, he’s just wrong about (choose one): a) me, b) him, c) us, d) all of the above. I’ll bring him around, I just know it.  Sheesh.

But I’m not alone, and that’s some consolation. And as they say, when two or more are gathered, miracles occur. So can we be done with the project, already? It’s simply exhausting, the tug-of-war of it all. Let’s allow ourselves to choose someone who wants the same things we do, someone who wants to paddle the canoe in the same direction we do. Sounds nice, right? Love, C

My two cents: if it’s a struggle, it’s a project.

♥♥♥

So how can we tell if a new guy is a  potential partner or a project? Well I think first off we have to stay in the moment and really pay attention. Second,  I don’t know about you but at this point in the game I have a list of negotiable and non-negotiable things that I am really trying to stick to.  From little things like “must be employed” to  “must live nearby” to so I can actually, physically date him.  I have had boyfriends in the past who lived across the country and the thought of us being in the same place was, well, a project.  Too hard, didn’t seem like it could really happen except in our fantasies.  Sweet and romantic, but not realistic.

I have to say, and I am not proud of this fact but it is a fact that I have been known to take on a project or 5 in my time.  I have actually been  fond of the project in the past; it felt like a challenge to me. . . and I am, make that was, always up for a challenge. Ugh, exhausting, and so not worth the effort. I know it might seem fun when you see someone has potential to get in there and help him be better or help him get that job or help him realize he can’t live without you or. . . I am finished trying to convince someone how great they are or how great I am for them.

Let’s just spell it out plain and simple. When you meet the perfect guy for you, and I am not saying there is any perfect guy, cause that would be silly, wouldn’t it? But, when you meet the perfect guy for YOU, take note here. . . pay attention. . . it is going to be easy.

When things are right, they are right.  When things line up, they line up.  When things are meant to be. . . you know where I am going with this.  You have to learn to trust. Trust your guidance, trust your intuition, damn, read your freakin’ horoscope.  The Universe is conspiring for your good. And you need to just go with that.  If it starts getting to complicated, it’s a project, if it’s too hard, project,  as cute as he is, sorry probably not going to happen.

It is so great when you finally get it, it really is.  Just the other day C and I were working on a design project, after throwing around a few ideas and we agreed on one that we though was perfect.  Welllll, we could not get the image to upload to save our lives.  I never claimed to be a computer genius but, come on? It isn’t that hard.  We tried and tried and couldn’t make it happen.  It didn’t take us too long to get that there was something else out there, even though, we really liked our idea, that was way better.

As soon as we realized that, we found the perfect design.  And we both knew it when we saw it.  xo-K

My two cents:  If something seems too hard and it’s not flowing,  there is something better out there for you, and you will just know it when you see it.

close enough is not good enough

I was talking to one of my clients last month; “L” is a great girl, beautiful, smart, funny, really got her life going on.  Also, she is single and really ready to meet someone special.  She had just started to use one of the online services to wrangle up some introductions and encountered a few misses and then one that she thought would possibly be a hit.

L told me as I worked my magic on her hair, that she had met someone who seemed great. They had shared a few playful, witty e-mail exchanges, then a phone call or two, then some  texting back and forth.  Although there were a few slight red flags (hey, who doesn’t have a few faults, right?), she decided to meet him live and in person.  They had a great time and she was kind of excited about the prospect of exploring something new.  She liked his energy, got a good feeling about him, and although it was just one face to face meeting, she was open to getting to know if there could possibly be anything there.  She was not projecting or planning a future with some guy who she hardly knew. No, she was just open to it. And it seemed to her that the feeling was mutual.

So imagine her surprise when she didn’t get more than a few follow up e-mails but no interest in seeing her again.  Man, there seems to be a lot of that going around these days!

L was a little disappointed and since she didn’t even know this guy, it really wasn’t about him per se, but the idea of someone like him.  She was feeling a bit defeated, thinking possibly that she was never going to meet someone she really liked that felt the same way about her.  I had to remind her that she was getting really close.  This guy seemed to have a lot of the the aspects she was looking for in a partner but he had a few big ones that she was NOT.  He had some financial issues and another big one: he was not really ready for a relationship.  And after discussing what happened with him, L knew that was the case.  So really, close enough is not good enough.  We all need to remember that.  The universe has someone so perfect for you that you couldn’t plan it if you tried.

So then, C and I were talking about this very thing this morning.  We have been friends for years and have known that we wanted to do some sort of project or work together in some capacity.  She even talked to the owner of the salon I work at while she was on hiatus from non-profit work and had on her esthetician’s hat.  It just didn’t work out.  Wasn’t the right thing, wasn’t the right time.  We could have never in a million years predicted that we would, years later, be writing together. Never.

So, I guess what I am reminding you and myself as well, and I do need to be reminded… all the time.  You ‘ve just got to put it out there and have faith in something, anything, that what you want  is coming to you.  And so much better than you could have ever imagined!  xo-K

My two cents:  Dream big, but don’t be attached to how it will come. Just allow.

♥♥♥

I adore the movie Shakespeare in Love. It’s fun, funny, Joseph Fiennes is delish, and the irony of a guy who can’t seem to get love right, writing about love about kills me.  I too, am a fan of ironic plots, just not when it comes to my love life. Oh, wait –.

Well anyway, back to Shakespeare and his problems with romance. Young Will is a hot mess. Rosalind has cut him off, he’s got writer’s block, he owes some very nasty men a large sum of money, and he wonders aloud if everything will turn out all right. Oh, sure it will, a friend tells him.  But, how? a doubtful Will insists. “Dunno,” the man replies. “It’s a mystery.”

We always know that things will work out, because they always do. But that doesn’t stop us from getting our stockings in a knot when things don’t go exactly the way we think they should, does it? Trust is a funny thing. It seems like the times that you need it the most, are the times when you’re most likely to shove it aside and go for immediate gratification. “Trust? What trust? I want it my way and I want it now!” or “I’ve been hurt and will never trust again!” Wow, really? Because never is a really, really long time. If I were superstitious, I’d go so far as to say that simply invoking the word ‘trust’ is begging the cosmos to challenge you to an immediate duel and you might as well give up because there’s just no winning that one.

Anyway, the Course in Miracles states that you cannot trust and doubt at the same time. Just like you can’t love and hate at the same time. They are opposites and can’t occupy the same space in your heart or mind. You have to pick one or the other. But we do that, don’t we? We say we trust and then when the first bump in the road to happiness appears, we go all to pieces, fretting and plotting and manipulating for the shortcut back to Happyville — or at least our idea of Happyville.  It isn’t the thing itself so much as it is our idea of what we think the thing can do for us, how it can make us feel. The thing itself is almost irrelevant — we’re really just invested in the idea.

Love is the trickiest challenge of all. We’re bombarded by it in the media, we’re surrounded by blissfully paired people as we go about our daily lives, and we’ve all known someone who settled, gave in to less than they’re worthy of, just bowed out of the race because the finish line just seemed too far away and required too much work, and “good enough” was standing right there with nothing better to do but hook up. “At least they’re not alone,” right? Wrong! I can’t think of a more lonely fate than to be hitched to someone who doesn’t shift my gravitational pull by walking in a room. There is nothing sadder than being lonely and not actually being alone. Egads, girls! ‘Close enough’ are not words of surrender.  Close enough, means hold on chickie, you’re almost there! As one of our fav teachers says, don’t give up two minutes before the miracle arrives. Love, C

My two cents: know your value, know your worth, and commit your heart to at least one good friend who will remind you of it if you temporarily forget!

pity party

Back in my early 20’s my bff had been dating this guy for about two years.   Near the end, they were off and on and fighting.  Early one Sunday morning I got the call. She was crying hysterically.  “It’s over,” she said, “really over.”

So, in my sweats, with a bottle of Stoli in one hand and cranberry juice in the other, I showed up at her door.  Call me psychic, but I had a feeling that beverages were going to be needed for this one.

After I mixed up a few morning Cape Cod cocktails, hey she’s hurting here… she proceeded to fill me in on the events leading up to the final break-up.   She cried, she screamed, she cursed.  I listened, I agreed, I listened some more.  Before I knew it we were sitting is a sea of pictures of the two of them on the floor, scissors in hand. “Cut his head out of all these shots,” she said. ” I want him gone.”  So we proceeded to do it.  Hundreds of pictures, the two of them happy, at dinners, on vacation, backyard bar-b-ques, weddings, there she stood with a man with no head.

She started to feel better. I don’t know if it is the delirium of no sleep from the night before, the vodka or the fact that we had a big pile of goofy, smiling heads off to the side.  Then we got, or rather she got really crazy and started gluing his head to other people’s bodies.

By the end of the day, and yes we did spend a good part of the day on this, she really felt better about the whole thing. She had purged. Was she completely done being sad and ready to move on that day? No, but I really think she got over him a lot faster than if she would have just held it in and just been sad all by herself.

There are many reasons to have a pity party, and many ways to have one.  Left your boyfriend/husband, lost your job, even a blow-up with your mom or your bff,  you need to get your feelings out so you can process them and get on with things.

Some of the ways that have worked in the past for me and my friends have been:

• Movie marathon of every tear jerking sappy love story you can get your hands on, that’s right girl, cry your eyes out.  You will feel light and cleansed.
• Call on the troops, get your girls over, have cocktails, if that is your thing, pizza, and just vent,  get all of your feelings out about the dude you can until you have nothing else to say about him or the relationship.
• One of my personal favorites is to write him a letter, really let him have it.  Everything you ever wanted to say to him but held inside, everything you are feeling now, just go for it.  Call him out.  Write until you can’t write anymore, then when you are sure you are finished go outside with a bucket or bowl and burn it.  Please be safe with this, don’t want to burn the house down.  And no you are not going to send the letter.  This was for your benefit not his.

Another one for me is music, Mary J.  Blige, “No More Drama,” got me through a bad break-up.  Seal has also been helpful in this respect for many years.

The point here is, have a pity party. You are hurt, you need to acknowledge it, feel it, process it and then get over it.  When you don’t, feelings stay with you, filed away in your body waiting for the next time they get triggered.  I don’t know about you, but I am done not dealing with my feelings and then when I meet someone new, projecting all the old stuff on to the new guy, who as of yet hasn’t done anything wrong.

Do your work girls, feel your feelings, they are there for a reason. Oh, and BTW, the next guy my friend dated was her future husband. I’m just sayin.’ xo-K

My two cents: Sometime you have to go through it to get over it.

♥ ♥ ♥

This is exactly why I love K. She’ll be the first to call you on your sh*t, and she’s also the one who will show up on your door to help you throw the best damn pity party this side of the Heartbreak Hotel. Girlfriend gets it.

Back when I was going through the big D, my then-bff called me in a rage one day. “You can’t do this!” she said. “You need to make up with him!” I was all like, “honey, you’re my friend. You need to have my back. There’s nothing more to say. I’m hanging up now, okay?” There may have been anti-depressants involved, and not a little fear for her own shaky marriage. After several more calls along the line of “You’re making the mistake of your life!” and “You have no right to be so selfish!”, I told her that we couldn’t be friends anymore.

I’m not generally a “my way or the highway” kind of gal. I set very few rules in stone. But I know this: life is complicated. Girl rules are not. Sisters gotta have your back, period. It’s part of the code. Just like the code allows a full-on weeping and gnashing of teeth, chocolate binging, an extreme cry-till-you-puke sob fest. And then it’s over. Because really? The extended pity party is not attractive. The weeks on end How-could-he-do-this-to-meeee refrain gets tired. And it gives away all your power, in case that matters. Own your part in the break-up, and see if you can find the gift in it because no matter how bad it sucks at the time, I can absolutely promise you that a few weeks or months or years down the line? You see that what he gave you was a gift beyond price. Things always work out, no matter what. Love, C

My two cents: every “disaster” is a gift in disguise.

texting isn’t dating

Dating in the digital age is not for the faint of heart, is it? There are so many more options today than ever before in the history of this crazy little blue marble rolling around in space.

One of my dear new friends in my new home town met the love of her life before the digital dating phenom got rolling. She and her gal pals were sharing dinner out one night lamenting the single life (as women have been doing since the dawn of time), and one thing led to another. Before the night ended, these smart, sexy, sassy women all made a pact to run a post in one of the local weekly papers known for concert reviews, leftist political views, and explicit and not-so-explicit classified personal ads.

My friend ran her ad and got several responses. She made such an impression on one guy she met for coffee that he canceled the date he had with another lady he’d connected with from the classifieds. Throughout their courtship, my friend’s sweetheart wooed her by writing her one romantic letter a month for 36 months. At then end of the third year of love letters, he proposed. omg! Such a love story.

Fast forward to 2010: now we have online dating services and cell phones and text messages. We are dating in a digital age no one ever dreamed of. People still meet in the produce aisle, at church picnics, on the bus.  They also meet in cyberspace with photos and bios and various fictional versions of their their life stories.  Since venturing into the cyber-classifieds, I’ve taken the necessary precautions to avoid cyber-creeps. But I’ve always said you can meet a creep at an ice-cream social, so caveat emptor is the motto of  dating adults everywhere.

So recently, I found myself exchanging emails and text messages with a person of interest.  Yes, we met online, so the email and texting are not entirely unrelated to the whole e-dating process.  The thing is, we’ve met in-person. Clear and mutual interest was expressed by both parties. We even touched lips,  swapped spit. . . And yet? No forward movement. I figured, he’s just not that into me and was prepared to move on. Then we started up with the texts and flirty emails again. It was fun, but no hints about meeting up. Started to feel weird. Of course, K and I talked about it. The radar started to pingpingping. It’s not natural to meet someone you like and not want to spend time together. Unless. . .unless. Okay, girls. We all know what that “unless” means.  Something’s not on the up and up. The story isn’t holding together. We’ve all been in that place where our intuition started to warn us off and we ignored it, haven’t we? Can we all agree to not do that anymore?

The truth is, texting is not dating. Emails are not a relationship. Romance at a distance is the safety valve for someone who isn’t really ready for love. Not that any one of these things is wrong. Unless you want an authentic relationship, which every goddess is worthy of, btw.  I’m just sayin.’ Love, C

My two cents: be willing to walk away and never  settle for less than you really want!

♥♥♥

As I have mentioned before, I have been on dating hiatus for a while and don’t have experience with digital dating, but I do know a thing or10 about signs and when actions and words don’t jive.  So when C filled me in on what was going on with Mr. e-mailer/texter, something definitely was feeling a little off to me.  I totally understand emailing and such in the beginning of online dating, it’s fun, flirty and relatively safe.  Who hasn’t experienced the giddy feeling of opening up your inbox in the morning to a fun little note from a boy you are interested in.  That can go on for as long or short a period as the two people involved feel comfortable with.  For me and my experience with blind dating, I would rather get right to it.  Physical attraction is a big thing and I think a lot gets lost in translation when your only communication is email and text. So when I meet someone new for a coffee or a glass of wine I usually get a pretty good read if I am going to be interested in moving forward right away.  It is usually a, oh yea, yippee, he looks cool, or, there is no way in hell.

I am not being superficial and I am not talking about just the way someone looks, it’s more than that.  It is their vibe, the feeling you get when you are face to face with someone that as flirty as a text is it’s just never the same.

So back to said dilemma, what if there seems to be mutual interest between you and Mr. blind date/online guy and things go back to just texting and e-mailing?  I can’t say that that has ever happened to me but it doesn’t sound like something I would spend a lot of time with. . . but hey that’s me.  I guess maybe sometimes people want to take things slow but come on!!!

I guess it all goes back to knowing what exactly it is that you want and holding out for it.  I know for me no where on my list of things I want in a man is someone who is afraid of getting hurt so much  they have to move in reverse, nor am I looking for someone who doesn’t trust his own judgment.  But that’s my thing.  xo-K

My two cents:  Be true to yourself, know what you want in a relationship and never settle.

and nothing but the truth~

As little girls, we’re trained to be pleasers.  Be a good girl, a pretty girl, a well-behaved girl, and we get the reward, right?

For a long time, maybe forever, I’ve kept my mouth shut. I thought I was being the supreme diplomat, letting others have their say and only offering an opinion if asked, point-blank. Really? While on the outside I was all shiny, competent, confident, my dark little goblin primitive brain was saying, “be careful, be quiet. Mind your manners or you’ll blow it!” Blow what? The job, the date, the contest, what ev. Cultivate a little mystery, the advice goes, say nothing. Leave them wondering, “they” say, don’t give it all away. This is pretty good advice if you’re negotiating for a major deal, but what about when it comes to relationships?

After my personal version of Carrie Bradshaw’s Mr. Big relationship ended, I realized that my Mr. Man actually knew nothing about me, beyond the fact that coffee first thing in the morning is not negotiable, that I may or may not be an actual witch, and that I adore fluffly, yippy, pint-sized dogs. My course of study in college? My favorite magazine? The name of my former spouse? He couldn’t tell you if you held a pistol to his head. No sirree, he could not, and it isn’t entirely his fault. I was the doting, supporting, appropriately attractive girlfriend to the man-in-charge. We threw great parties (for his friends). We took fabulous vacations (to destinations of his choice). I don’t mean to imply that we didn’t have a great romance. We did. We just mainly did it on his terms. Robert Ohotto would say that my prostitute archetype was in charge of that phase of my love life. What? Not the damsel? Not the princess? Well maybe the girls in the chorus all played a part, but the leading role was the one who traded her soul for the role.

I have a new policy now: full disclosure. I’m working on my stuff and writing a blog for goodness sake! It’s all pretty much out there. When I get a ‘hit’ on my online dating page, the first thing I do is direct them to twogirlstakeonlove.com. I mean seriously? You want to know what I think and opinions I may or may not hold? It’s all pretty much here. Or will be soon. We’ve only just started, but it doesn’t look like we’re going to run out of material any time in the near future.

Have I totally got it down? Some areas yes, some not so much. All in all, I’m a work in progress, and that’s okay! Love, C

My two cents: the truth will set you free.

***

Perfect girl, don’t we all play that role?  I know I do or rather did. For some reason I always felt I had to be perfect, have it all together, have all the answers.  Totally competent, that’s me.  I don’t think it came from my parents, I think they always thought I was from Mars or something.  No, this one came from me.

On some level I always felt I knew more than most people.  I’m not talking book smart, I’m not even talking street smart, which I was.  I’m talking intuition.  So, yeah, I did feel I had to be perfect because I knew better.

I always had that little voice inside telling me, better go there, or do  this and when I didn’t listen I really did a number on myself.  Don’t know why I couldn’t just give myself a break and just bumble along learning my lessons along the way like other people did, but no, not me, gotta be perfect  — as if that is even possible.

So there I was feeling like I had things all figured out, yeah try that when you are dating;  so doesn’t work.  Never truly being myself, being what I thought this one or that one wanted me to be.  That was exhausting, and come to find out not at all cute or sexy.  I don’t need you for your money, I make my own money.  I don’t need your help moving, or problem solving or with the freaking crossword puzzle.  I can do it all by myself. Then guess what, you are by yourself while the man you are interested in is dating the girl who doesn’t have the great job, who is a train wreck or super high maintenance and needs lots of help.  Yeah, he went to her because, hey, you didn’t seem to need him.

Well, the truth was I did need him, a lot.  I just wasn’t being honest with myself, or showing him me. I put on the bright and shiny, totally self-sufficient me. I needed and wanted love and I was so not perfect.

Oh gosh, can’t believe I spent so much time doing that number on myself. So from now on with me, just like C, full disclosure.  I do me better than I can do anyone else so that is what it is gonna be from now on.  With all my little quirks, and likes and dislikes, just me.

And, isn’t that what you want to show the world so you attract people into your life who like  what you like instead of trying to be what you think they want and then once you get in there trying to change them?  Just askin’. . . xo-K

My two cents:  Be your quirky, silly, wonderful self!

building the perfect man

So as I’m thinking about all that I have come up with, I realized that I have been dating my dad to heal the relationship with him. All the men that I have brought in have had different aspects of him, ie Ken doll, so now I am more afraid to date than ever.  Am I going to continue this pattern?  I have to figure out how to turn this around.  Wait, there are so many things about my dad I really love, respect and admire.

It’s like looking for a new apartment lets say.  The first time you move out on your own, what you want is simple: you want something you can afford in a safe area.  Small list, you live there for a while and decide that you would really like air conditioning and off street parking.  So in searching for your next place you add those to your list.  Now you have your new perfect place but decide you really want a dishwasher too and something a little more quiet.  You see where I am going with this.  You can’t really know what you do want until you know what you don’t want, and there is nothing wrong with that.

So, back to the man.  I decided I was going  to make a list from the beginning of all the important relationships that have made an impact on my life. But I was only going to focus on what I loved about them, what I didn’t want to throw away.  I have loved a lot and I have had many amazing men who have loved me too.  What’s scary about that, right?  Oh, this is feeling better.  I will give you an example of what I have come up with so far and just to make it easier for me, all the names are fake.

I decided I was in a way building the perfect man.  I realized I have experienced being with the perfect man for me it just hasn’t been at the same time with the same guy.  It’s like revisiting the best parts of your past love affairs without all the bad stuff.  So lets go, and this is in no order, guess it doesn’t matter since the names are fake, right?  I really loved the way Bob cooked and danced around in his underwear, he had such a free spirit and I always felt so beautiful and adored. We’ll keep that, and leave out that he lived 5,000 miles away.  I loved the way that Michael was like my best friend, he was so funny and always in a good mood.  And Max, he was so creative, and had an amazing house, loved to shop and was so generous, and such a great lover.  I loved how I felt when I met Scott, I just looked in his eyes and felt like I had known him my whole life.

So I could go on and on, what a fun exercise.  I am still working on it, it really is amazing how many wonderful men I have had in my life, and okay, I haven’t found the “One” that is going to be the “One” for the long haul but I have had a lot of great “Ones” for the moment.  Okay, now I’m not feeling so scared anymore.  Try it out for yourself and let me know how it goes.  xo-k

My two cents:  Have fun with the process.

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Yeah, this isn’t like a weird Frankenstein thing. It’s more like a Mr. Potato Head thing where you create one groovy guy from miscellaneous parts.

Remember how we were talking about how easy it is to get stuck in the icky stuff? You can always find someone to sympathize, to get into a rousing bitchfest with you about how all men/women/aliens are rotten, all men/women/aliens cheat, all men/women/aliens fill-in-the-blank. The truth is, whatever you believe, you manifest. You only make it so, by believing it.  Just like the song from Counting Crows says, “What you fear in the night in the day comes to call anyway-ay.” So if this is true (and it is) doesn’t it make sense to focus on the great stuff?

One of my bad boyfriends was worried about money. He was self-employed, and was worried the contracts would dry up. So I told him, “if you’re going to worry about money, why not worry about having so much you have to hire someone to help you manage it?” Well, he did just that, and the phone started ringing off the hook! Soon, he had so many contracts, he was booked out months in advance. I’d like to think this is because I give such great advice. But the truth is, he was just a great manifester. We all are. We just spend far too much time getting what we don’t want, because that’s what we focus on.

Back to bad boyfriend. He gets to be part of my perfect man. He gets to be the part that makes my knees turn to jelly just looking at him. The part about ditching a gal on the side of the road in Maui on the way to the airport? Not so much. Haven’t we all dated a bad boyfriend? (Please God, don’t let me be the only one!) Of course, there were good boyfriends, too. Well, good before the heat went lukewarm then stone-cold, but good nonetheless. Generous. Smart. Wicked funny. Rich. Kind. World class kisser.

Here’s a chance to relive all the highlights of the Loves of Christmas Past. Get yourself a journal. Something pretty, that makes you want to write in it. Make a page for every one of the loves that shared even a brief time on the stage of your life. On each page, write down the good qualities of each person. No cheating! Nothing negative!  We’re focusing on the positive qualities, because that’s what we want the great, cosmic genie to deliver. Make a list of all those lovable parts that made you feel so good, so cherished, so beloved.

Look at that list.  Feels yummy, right?  Enjoy that feeling — because there’s more of where that came from. Oh yes, my darling, lots more. Let us know how it goes!  Love, C

My two cents: The Beatles were genius! Amp up your love mojo by listening to some of their love songs!