good girls & bad boys

A lot of people were shocked to hear about the whole Sandra Bullock/Jesse James scandal, I was not surprised at all.  Maybe it’s because I’ve had my share of bad boys and I know how the whole thing plays out.  I am just now working on for my own benefit, and for anyone who cares to read this, why bad boys are so dang appealing.

I have to take that back, I actually know why bad boys are so appealing, they tend to be more fun, it’s kind of a challenge to rope one in, they keep you on your toes, all the girls want them.  I could go on. . . .  The real question is why do we, I say we, cause I am 99.999% sure I am not alone on this one, try to change the bad boy into a good boy when it is clear we are truly not ready for someone good.  Why don’t we just enjoy the ride that the bb shows us? Doesn’t all the trouble start when we fall in love with the little buggers and try to clean them up and make them presentable?  Just askin’.

I personally have always loved a challenge, and getting the lead singer or the confirmed bachelor to fall for me, well isn’t that the ultimate challenge?  But doesn’t that also seem like a lot of work?  Is love supposed to be so hard? Is easy boring?  There is something so exciting about waiting-hoping for that phone call that you aren’t 100% sure is going to come,  it’s like a rush. It just feels different when  someone says they are going to call at 6:00 and they do, right on the button, every time. What’s fun about that?  Where is the drama, the mystery?  Therein lies my problem: why is someone showing up for me boring?  Arrrr, this is gonna be interesting!

Maybe for me  I have felt that if I date down the guy will be so happy to have me that he won’t leave.  Yeah, well that doesn’t work because what if the guy I’m dating doesn’t make as much money as me, doesn’t feel successful  or feels inferior in one way or another.  For many guys, if they feel insecure or threatened in some way, they tend to get mean, or cheat or try to bring me down.  And none of those things feel good.

I have a dear friend, who has a successful dental practice, she is dating a man she loves but he is a total bb.  He is a currently unemployed mechanic.  I have not met him personally since they don’t live in town so all I have to go on is what she says.  She has told me she doesn’t feel comfortable bringing him to any of her work functions, and he has no desire to go.  She hates being around his “low life” friends, her words not mine.  They seem to be in love and are discussing the idea of getting married.  I don’t see how this is going to work out and I think she is feeling the same way at some level.   She has said she feels a little embarrassed about him and she thinks he feels a little insecure around her.  I wish them the best in figuring it out.

As much as I can appreciate a bb and the fun they bring to the party, I am looking forward to being able to appreciate a good guy even more. xo-K

My two cents: Enjoy where you are, appreciate everyone in your life for who and what they are.  Maybe they are there for a reason.

♥♥♥

Holy heartbreak, Batman! Is there anything more tempting to a good girl than a bad boy? I don’t care how sophisticated you are, how many PhD’s you hold, how many empires you rule, bad boys are the kryptonite of good girls everywhere.

And I’m not just talking Sandra and Jesse here! Although may I just say, how much more obvious a bad boy can he be than if he is the direct descendant of an infamous outlaw and was once married to a porn star. Hello? Universe calling America’s girl next door: there’s a cosmic 2X4 engraved with your initials headed your way! Eep.

But Sandra’s not the first and she sooo won’t be the last. I’m a huge fan of the whole Anne Boleyn saga (yeah, yeah, I’m a geek). You know Anne: ambitious young tart who convinced bloated Henry VIII to divorce his Castilian wife, divorce Rome, set up his own little religious dynasty. In the end, she married the old goat, then lost her head when she couldn’t give him a baby boy. Tsk.

Then, one of my personal favorites, one of the most passionate/wrong couples of all time: Freida Kahlo and Diego Rivera. Rivera was a big old macho cheater terrified of his wife’s painting talent, which he feared would eclipse his own. Okay, maybe Freida had issues. She survived a streetcar accident that skewered her like a shish kabob, only to fall in love with Diego. The streetcar wasn’t her undoing, it was Diego. She survived the streetcar; she never got over the man.

I could go on. I’ve had my share of the bb’s, too.  How can you tell if the guy you’re over the moon for is a bb?  Do your friends like him? Does he like your friends — you know, the ones who love you with such fierce intensity he’d melt like wax in their presence? No?  He’s a bb. Have you ever caught him in a lie, especially one that made him twist and shimmy like a worm on a hook until he finally hit a magic combination of words that made you doubt your own sanity? Big bb. I know you. You’re just like me. And no matter what your story or where you’ve been, you deserve better, I totally guarantee it. Love, C

My two cents: Nice guys are not boring, boring guys are boring. Don’t confuse them!

and nothing but the truth~

As little girls, we’re trained to be pleasers.  Be a good girl, a pretty girl, a well-behaved girl, and we get the reward, right?

For a long time, maybe forever, I’ve kept my mouth shut. I thought I was being the supreme diplomat, letting others have their say and only offering an opinion if asked, point-blank. Really? While on the outside I was all shiny, competent, confident, my dark little goblin primitive brain was saying, “be careful, be quiet. Mind your manners or you’ll blow it!” Blow what? The job, the date, the contest, what ev. Cultivate a little mystery, the advice goes, say nothing. Leave them wondering, “they” say, don’t give it all away. This is pretty good advice if you’re negotiating for a major deal, but what about when it comes to relationships?

After my personal version of Carrie Bradshaw’s Mr. Big relationship ended, I realized that my Mr. Man actually knew nothing about me, beyond the fact that coffee first thing in the morning is not negotiable, that I may or may not be an actual witch, and that I adore fluffly, yippy, pint-sized dogs. My course of study in college? My favorite magazine? The name of my former spouse? He couldn’t tell you if you held a pistol to his head. No sirree, he could not, and it isn’t entirely his fault. I was the doting, supporting, appropriately attractive girlfriend to the man-in-charge. We threw great parties (for his friends). We took fabulous vacations (to destinations of his choice). I don’t mean to imply that we didn’t have a great romance. We did. We just mainly did it on his terms. Robert Ohotto would say that my prostitute archetype was in charge of that phase of my love life. What? Not the damsel? Not the princess? Well maybe the girls in the chorus all played a part, but the leading role was the one who traded her soul for the role.

I have a new policy now: full disclosure. I’m working on my stuff and writing a blog for goodness sake! It’s all pretty much out there. When I get a ‘hit’ on my online dating page, the first thing I do is direct them to twogirlstakeonlove.com. I mean seriously? You want to know what I think and opinions I may or may not hold? It’s all pretty much here. Or will be soon. We’ve only just started, but it doesn’t look like we’re going to run out of material any time in the near future.

Have I totally got it down? Some areas yes, some not so much. All in all, I’m a work in progress, and that’s okay! Love, C

My two cents: the truth will set you free.

***

Perfect girl, don’t we all play that role?  I know I do or rather did. For some reason I always felt I had to be perfect, have it all together, have all the answers.  Totally competent, that’s me.  I don’t think it came from my parents, I think they always thought I was from Mars or something.  No, this one came from me.

On some level I always felt I knew more than most people.  I’m not talking book smart, I’m not even talking street smart, which I was.  I’m talking intuition.  So, yeah, I did feel I had to be perfect because I knew better.

I always had that little voice inside telling me, better go there, or do  this and when I didn’t listen I really did a number on myself.  Don’t know why I couldn’t just give myself a break and just bumble along learning my lessons along the way like other people did, but no, not me, gotta be perfect  — as if that is even possible.

So there I was feeling like I had things all figured out, yeah try that when you are dating;  so doesn’t work.  Never truly being myself, being what I thought this one or that one wanted me to be.  That was exhausting, and come to find out not at all cute or sexy.  I don’t need you for your money, I make my own money.  I don’t need your help moving, or problem solving or with the freaking crossword puzzle.  I can do it all by myself. Then guess what, you are by yourself while the man you are interested in is dating the girl who doesn’t have the great job, who is a train wreck or super high maintenance and needs lots of help.  Yeah, he went to her because, hey, you didn’t seem to need him.

Well, the truth was I did need him, a lot.  I just wasn’t being honest with myself, or showing him me. I put on the bright and shiny, totally self-sufficient me. I needed and wanted love and I was so not perfect.

Oh gosh, can’t believe I spent so much time doing that number on myself. So from now on with me, just like C, full disclosure.  I do me better than I can do anyone else so that is what it is gonna be from now on.  With all my little quirks, and likes and dislikes, just me.

And, isn’t that what you want to show the world so you attract people into your life who like  what you like instead of trying to be what you think they want and then once you get in there trying to change them?  Just askin’. . . xo-K

My two cents:  Be your quirky, silly, wonderful self!

secret to a lasting marriage

A friend of mine was telling me of a woman, ninety years old, and married for over sixty-five years. When asked what  her secret for staying happily married for so many years was,  she replied, “There was never a time when one of us wasn’t in love”.  Love that! xo–K

What is your resistance to love?

So, last week I got one of those e-mail forwards, you know the ones I’m talking about, the ones that are somewhat funny but kind of a waste of time.  I usually just delete them because I don’t really find them funny or clever, but for some reason, I opened this one and wow was it ever a can of worms.

The subject was something like the “Next Survivor.”  It went on to say that the next season of Survivor should be fathers with three kids and challenged by all the  things moms have to do on a daily basis.  Each task was more exhausting than the one before!  I’m sure some of these things were spot on, but as I was reading it, I could feel myself getting annoyed and irritated.  It all just seemed like so much work. Don’t get me wrong, I am a single mom, and I do everything.  But the way it was written, I don’t know, it didn’t seem that appealing.  I guess on some level I thought when I had a partner, I would have a partner, someone to make my life easier, not harder.

I thought about it for a few days. What was it about that e-mail that just got to me?  I know that I’ve had resistance in the past to being in relationship, my stuff with my parent’s relationship, etc., but I thought I had dealt with that.  I talked to C about it on the phone a bit ago, it was right there, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.  There is still some part of me that is feeling a little, no, a lot of resistance around being in a relationship, especially if it’s going to be like that!

I have heard on more that one occasion that if there is something that you want and it is not showing up for you, then you have some resistance to it.  Sorry, but I know that is true.

We want to put the blame out there for our lack of  a boyfriend or husband. We say things like:  “All the good ones are taken.”  “I need to lose 10 pounds and then I will feel good enough to get out there.”  “I live in a small town.” “I live in a big city, it’s too hard to meet people.”  “All the men are gay.”  Shall I go on??

Now I am not trying to speak for anyone but myself, but it is worth just giving it a little bit of thought.  I know for me as much as I would love to share my life with someone, my life is pretty amazing right now. And I know that there is some part of me that feels, on some level, what if I lose myself? I’ve done that before, too.  What if I have to compromise, and things change and I don’t like it?

Well this is big for me, huge, and I’ve got some big work to do. So, I am going to pass you off to C.  Let’s see what she comes up with.  I’m sure this won’t be the last time we discuss this.  Wish me luck! xo-K

My two cents:  Remember when you pray for patience, a lot of things come in that require patience.  That’s how you learn.

***

Okay, we Two Girls have pretty much gone on record saying the universe is conspiring to give you what you want. “Oh yeah?” you say. “Then where’s my stuff?” Fair question.

Well, yes, the universe always says yes. But it’s complicated. It says yes to every thought you have. Studies have shown that we have in excess of 100,000 thoughts a day. Have you ever monitored the thoughts zipping through your head? Please! If all the mental chatter that goes on in our head was dollars, we’d all be millionaires!

Bottom line: not all of the thoughts we think are in alignment. Dude — some of the thoughts we think just out and out contradict each out.  And when you send out conflicting messages, guess what happens? They cancel each other out. How do you know if you’re sending out conflicting signals? Well, if you’re not getting what you want, the bottom line is, you have resistance to actually manifesting it. Ouch.

Maybe you’ve been single for a while and you’re ready to date. You join an online dating service, fill out the forms, upload a flattering photo. There are thousands of people online, looking for love! It’s a virtual date-fest! So why aren’t you finding The One? Okay, it’s time to get brutally honest with yourself. You have issues. Don’t take it personally, we all have issues. We’re human, we have issues. The problem is, if you really want to get what you want and be happy, you have to own your issues, and work to resolve them. Here are some examples of conflicting thoughts:

I really want to be married.

I’m afraid that if I get married, I’ll always have to do what he wants and I’ll never get to do what I want. Ever.

I want to fall in love.

The last time I fell in love, he left me. Just like the one before him, and the one before him, all the way back to my dad. All men leave.

I want to settle down.

Only losers settle. No one’s going to tell me what to do!

I want someone to share my life with.

He better not be a cheater. The last guy I dated cheated on me. All men cheat.

If any of this resistance stuff rings a bell, don’t be sad, pookie. It’s good news! Once you can be honest enough with yourself to own what’s holding you back, you can heal it and move on with your life. You can have what you want. You just have to decide what’s holding you back and do something about it. This is our work. Love, C

My two cents: you don’t have to believe everything you think.

 

 

mighty aphrodite

It seems only right that in the month that celebrates romantic love give a nod to our girl Aphrodite, who also went by Venus, otherwise known as the goddess of beauty and love. Aphrodite was a regular Grecian goddess, hanging out between heaven and earth, trying to avoid the wrath of her bad dad Zeus, and curling the toes of the local boys every chance she got. Gossip has it that the goddess got around and her favorite object of desire was Aries, god of war, also known as Mars. Get it? Venus and Mars, love and war? No doubt about it, when those two collided, sparks flew.  btw: this is the month of chocolate hearts, right? Guess what: chocolate is rumored to be an aphrodisiac. . .so take no chances, channel your inner goddess and share some chocolate with someone you love. toujours l’amour!

the unimaginable life

I want to give a shout-out to Kenny Loggins, who wrote The Unimaginable Life book and companion cd many years ago. Up until that point I had never witnessed a conscious  spiritual relationship, let alone imagined that it was even possible.    Thanks Kenny, for showing me that I could be on a spiritual path with a partner. xo-K

I prayed every night and day for something to believe, some brand of magic that could lift me up and bring me to my knees, and there you where. “Just Breath,”  —  Kenny Loggins

happy together

My first example of a happy marriage started off, well at the beginning.  My parents, married right out of high school, first love, still married and in love 47+ years later.  Great example right, so. . . what the heck happened to me?

Here I am at 46, still trying to figure this all out.  I didn’t come from a horrible, broken family.  My family was small but solid.  So why at the age when hormones were raging did I basically proclaim to God, Universe, Angels, or whoever was up there listening, “I’m never getting married!”

I’ve been close  a few times, but because of the whole self fulfilling prophecy thing, I’ve always managed to pick the guys who I seemed to want to marry but for some reason knew on some subconscious level, were safe to get close to, but no cigar.  What the heck was I so afraid of?  I did want to get married right?  I did want to share my life with someone.

I had totally forgot about my teenage proclamation until just a few years ago.  I remember feeling it, and I do mean feeling it.  At that point in time I swore I was never going to get married and there was a lot of emotion and steam behind it.

So I have been trying to figure this out for the last few years and I have come up with a few things that  I thought I’d share.  I think that I was under the impression that all marriages are created equal,  there  is really just one kind:  he gets his way all the time, she has to sacrifice, and so do the kids. (So is it any surprise that I became a single parent and not a wife?  Just asking.)

Thinking about it now, it just seems crazy. It is amazing the impressions made on you as a young child, and how you just take them on without ever questioning them.  I watched my mom all those years and even now,  she doesn’t seem to mind giving my dad his way, catering to him, she even seems to enjoy it.  So what I see as a sacrifice is not for her.  Wait, so there is not just one kind of marriage?  I think that the sacrifice version of marriage is what I’ve been carrying around with me all these years and it didn’t seem fun to me so I wasn’t going to do it.  Wow, that’s quite a revelation.

So after much thought, reading, studying and just talking to my friends and clients, I finally got that all marriages are not the same.  I don’t have to have my parent’s marriage.  OMG, really? It seems so simple but most people go through life on auto- pilot not really knowing that there are choices and options about the way their life plays out. I think this is enlightening.

So now I know that I get to pick, what kind of marriage I want to have.  The way I want to live. I am sure there will be compromises just like with anything but I don’t have to have my parents marriage.  I can find someone who I will be happy with, just like my mom did.  Now, isn’t that  ironic.  xo-K

My two cents:  You can’t look at someone else’s life from your vantage point and get the true picture.

***

I was the first one to get divorced in my family. No wait, that’s not true. My uncle got divorced. Three times. But he was disreputable. He gambled and smoked and told dirty jokes. I wasn’t disreputable, just unhappy. When my marriage was splitting up, my soon-to-be-ex told me, “I would have stuck it out with you.” Gosh, I thought. That’s what every girl wants to hear. But then, I thought I’d already be married again by now. My ex was married within a year of our divorce. To a woman he went to grad school with while we were still together.  I’m happy for them. I hope he sticks it out with her.

I had never been a little girl who dreamed of having a Barbie wedding and marrying Ken. I just assumed it would happen and things would work out, and we’d have a life. My parents have been married forever, and I can’t imagine them apart. My sister has left her husband, but she won’t divorce him. She doesn’t love him, but she won’t defile the sanctity of marriage even though he’s a devil dog and abusive and hurtful.

The thing is, I don’t want to settle for what anyone else thinks is the “right” path. I don’t believe that there’s only one perfect mate out there. I think there are perfect people who are perfect for us at certain points in our life.  This means that you don’t just get one perfect One. You get several perfect ones. And since we don’t know how long we get on this spin around the planet, why not just enjoy the ride and stop worrying about who’s married for how long, and to whom? It will happen when it’s right. And if “forever” means five years or fifty, it’s perfect in its own way. A very smart friend told me recently, “what’s forever in the span of eternity?” I like that perspective, because as it turns out, I’m in it for the long haul. Love, C

My two cents: I’m adopting Abraham-Hicks’ philosophy on love: “I like you pretty good, let’s see how it goes.”

match got your tongue?

Not long ago, I joined an online dating service. I recently moved to a new city, am working and networking, and after a year, finally feel ready to start auditioning candidates for the starring role in my next great love story. It’s actually quite an interesting process, if you’ve never done it. It’s a little like catalog shopping, where you’re both the catalog and the shopper. Anyway.

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Fifth Element. In this sci-fi film, Bruce Willis plays Corben Dallas, a retired cop/cab driver in the year 2214. Dallas is motoring along, minding his own business one day, when Leeloo (Milla Jojovich) falls out of the sky and into the back seat of his cab. He doesn’t know it, but she’s the fifth element (love). All he knows, is the minute he lays eyes on her, he’s smitten. Wouldn’t it be nice if finding your match was that easy?

Last week I received an email from a guy who seemed to fit some of my more compelling requirements. Has a job. Posts a nice series of photos. Loves his labrador retriever. He’s not Corben Dallas, but cute enough. We exchange a couple of exploratory emails. I’m witty and charming, he’s funny and down to earth. We have some things in common. I start to feel a little tingly.  This is probably my favorite phase of cyber dating. You trade puns, share flattering secrets about yourself, you cyber flirt. It’s safe, it’s fun, it’s fraught with possibility.

After a couple of friendly emails, he suggests we meet. Actually, he says he’d like to treat me to dinner at a local restaurant. So retro, I think. So sweet! We exchange a few more emails pending our Date, and I share them with K. He’s funny! I tell her. Isn’t that cute? I have a feeling about this, she says. I know, I say, right?

And then a quirky thing happened. The evening of our Date, he called to adjust our meeting time and I was at a loss for words. This never happens to me. . . ask K! I have a word for every occasion. Talking to people is a major part of my job, and I’m sort of good at it. Cocktail parties, fundraisers, seminars, you name it, I can talk it. Oh, well, I thought, and glossed over my little social hiccup. You can’t always be a sparkling conversationalist, right? And then we met at the assigned time and it happened again, this weird, stumbling, foot-in-the-mouth feeling. What the heck? Again, I blew it off. We had a nice enough time, two strangers eating food at the same table.

Needless to say, it wasn’t a match. Nice guy, nice girl, no sweeping sunset finale. Although we did see a coyote outside the restaurant window, which was surreal and magical. But I digress. This is what I think happened. Two people seemingly a fair match, meet up. But in this case, the two people are slightly out of phase, like a three-D movie without the glasses. Sort of fuzzy. Not quite in focus, like a movie where the picture and the dialogue are out of sync. He’s not my guy. I’m not his girl. Do I feel defeated? Not in the least! Say tuned — the adventure continues.  Love, C

My two cents: Sometimes dessert comes first. Enjoy the tingly, flirty phase of infinite possibility.

***

I have to say I am no expert in online dating, and since I’m on sabbatical from dating at the moment, I’ll have to dig into the archives of first date/ blind dates memories. And boy, I’ve had  my share of those!

There is nothing more fun and exciting than when you have been hoping to meet someone new, someone big, and a friend, co-worker, or even a dating website tells you they think they have found the someone that you’ve been looking for.  After you get the lowdown of what he does, what he likes, and what he looks like along with a bunch of other important and trivial information that sounds good, admit it. . . don’t you start to go there?

Oh, you know what I mean:  you haven’t met him in person yet, maybe you’ve  exchanged some lengthy e-mails, maybe had a phone call or two.  You decide it’s going pretty well and decide it’s time to meet in person, just something casual you say, coffee or a quick glass of wine.  No pressure, keep it breezy, but there you go. . . maybe this is my guy, maybe he is The One.  Off you go,  into the future with someone you haven’t even met yet.  Imagination going wild, and it’s all so exciting!!!  Could it really be this easy?

Don’t get me wrong here, I am not trying to make anyone, including myself, feel silly. Oh yeah, I’ve done it too, MANY times. And guess what?  IT’S FUN! Well, you don’t want to go too overboard with the whole anticipation thing.  You have to be somewhat  realistic, but in the time before the actual meeting, have fun with it.  Play the wouldn’t-it-be-nice-game.  Life is supposed to be fun and so is dating.  So what if your blind date isn’t a match.  Sure you might feel a little or a lot disappointed but don’t be hard on yourself.  It’s good practice in getting clear about what you want,  so try not to be too  bummed out if all you got out of the evening was dinner out.  And maybe one time, maybe even next time. . .your silly fantasy will come true!  And like I have said before and will probably say many times more, it only takes one  One. xo-K

My two cents:  Enjoy ALL aspects of you life as much as you can, and that includes dating.

dating my dad

You know how it is. I took a much needed hiatus after my last relationship.  The one I thought was “the one.”  I was excited for my best friend from So Cal. to meet him.  She and her husband were coming for the weekend  and we were meeting the b.f. for dinner.  I thought the evening went great and the reviews would be the same, but at the end of the night my girlfriend  looked at me and said “K, what are you doing?  “You’re dating your dad.”  As soon as the words left her mouth I knew she was right.

All the things about him  I didn’t like but that seemed so comfortable and familiar.  You know what I am talking about, the things you are so drawn to yet almost immediately work to change.  All the things I didn’t like about my dad, all the unfinished, unhealed pieces rolled up in one guy that I was totally crazy about.  And I do mean crazy.  I loved him but didn’t really like him that much. Sometimes I even resented him.  He was just being himself having no idea that a critical comment or observation he was making left me feeling like I was 6 or10 or some other point in my childhood when my father made a similar statement.  Back then I just filed it away someplace in my body, like an unwanted gift to be opened later, or never.  Well, I guess the time was now.  Ahhh, unfinished business, don’t you love it.

But this had been a long time coming.  I always knew I had “stuff”  with my dad.  His anger issues made me nervous and uneasy, he always was a bit grouchy and critical and negative.  He was definitely a “glass half empty kind of guy.   He wasn’t the type who was open to talking about this, or maybe it was me unwilling to talk to him about it. Yikes. . .scary.  So I did what I thought was the next best thing, I knew my issues with my dad were affecting my relationships so I got therapy. Many years, of therapy.  Got to some good stuff and felt clear and healed.  I no longer felt fear or resentment toward my dad. Or so I thought.

After my friend’s revelation, I had to admit that I had been dating my dad for years.  I went back through all of my significant relationships and yep, there it was, a pattern.  Uggg, I hate when that happens.   I had worked on all of this stuff for years, spent thousands of dollars in therapy. I thought I had healed my dad issues. I actually really liked him even.  I couldn’t  still have stuff to work out.

So what are these lessons?  Here’s my Ken doll theory of love.  Until you get clear about your “stuff,” you’ll keep attracting the same relationship. Even though your current guy has a different job, different hair, drives a different car, he’s the same guy. You think he’s different, but he has the same issues, “your issues”, that your last four boyfriends had.  It’s the same Ken doll, you just pop a new head on. This new guy is “totally new,” right? But the reason it didn’t work out ends up being the same reason the last one didn’t work out,and the one before him.  It just played out slightly differently.  This pattern keeps repeating for a reason, so you can see that this is your issue, your fear, your work you need to do.  Bottom line, it’s just the illusion of something different.  Hi Ken, it’s you again.   Give it some thought, maybe we can figure this out together.

Well I’ve got some work to do, wish me luck, I will keep you posted. xo- K

My two cents:  When you see a pattern pay attention, there are no coincidences.

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OMG. I remember the day I realized that I had married my dad. I was in therapy because I wanted to leave my marriage and like a good Catholic girl, felt totally guilty about it. He was the quintessential nice guy. Everybody loved him. Life of the party. Stable  career. Didn’t stay out all night,  didn’t cheat. And yet I felt that I would suffocated if I didn’t go. My therapist and I talked about how we base our beliefs of how relationships should work by studying our parents. I was mortified. Not only to realize that I was acting out my mother on a subconscious level (nooooooo!), but that I had chosen for my spouse someone who resonated with me on the same level as my dad. I never had sex with my husband again after that. It seemed so wrong on so many levels, I didn’t know where to start.

Harvel Hendrix has a wonderful book called Getting The Love You Want. It’s an amazing guide that looks at the architecture of a healthy, nurturing relationship, and also looks at the spiritual health of a couple. Hendrix describes four levels of romantic love. The first is the feeling is one of deja vu — like you’ve known each other forever. In a way, you have. You are each resonating to the feelings that this new person sparks in you that feel familiar to the feelings you felt from your original love objects: you parents. The next step is a feeling of  finding something you’ve been looking for. I call this the “oh there you are” syndrome.  We look and look for someone to make us feel the way we think love is supposed to feel. The third step is a feeling of completion, of wholeness. The final step is a feeling that you can’t imagine a life without this person who makes you feel this incredible love.  When you’re in the throes of these love steps, you are blissed out on romantic love. Endorphins are firing, you feel fully alive.

If you’re exceptionally lucky, you and your beloved maintain these wonderful feelings and you live happily ever after. The rest of us go down the slippery slope of disillusionment and pain of a breakup, and look for the lesson in the chaos so we can avoid that mess forever and ever, amen! But disillusionment is tricky. It’s sticky and seductive and its easy to get stuck there.

How about this. How about once your recognize your relationship pattern of choosing the overly critical person again and again, living out a Groundhog Day kind of romantic existence, you stop and sit with it. Maybe in addition to being highly critical, your dad has qualities that are good and noble and worthy.  You maybe want to jettison the critical guy, but maybe he’s loyal, or generous, or would slay dragons to protect his family. Those are qualities your dad has too. Maybe those are worth keeping on your “man of my dreams” list. Thanks for checking in! Love, C

My two cents: Every relationship is a gift and if you allow yourself to appreciate the good as well as the bad, it will bring you a step closer to the real deal.

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