it ain’t over till it’s over

So many tears I’ve cried, so much pain inside, but baby it ain’t over till it’s over. . .”-Lenny Kravitz

Wow, did I get that in a big way this last past week.  We all have our stuff, family stuff, some worse than others but we all have it.  I know I’ve got mine, hell I kept dating my dad until the thought of dating at all was not even an option until I worked it out.  I have been working on it for years, and have been feeling pretty good about it, feeling healed around it. Spent time in therapy, worked it out in my romantic relationships, it has come up in this blog many times and I think that writing has been the most healing thing for me.  I felt I was good on the subject, and I was, but someone else was not.  And he was waiting for me right back where we left off 30 +years ago.

My dad, who I felt never wanted to talk about this or anything deep for that matter, had been holding onto our relationship just where we left it so many years ago when it went south.  We were never big on communication, I thought he wouldn’t be willing to go there, or maybe that was me not wanting to go there with him.  Wasn’t pleasant the first time around, thought it might be easier just doing the work by myself or with a partner who mirrored  his. . . let’s just say “energy.”

Never thought I would have the opportunity to deal with it directly with my dad, too much time had passed, where do you even start.  So you can imagine my surprise when the other day it happened, I won’t go into what lead up to this confrontation, doesn’t really matter, had nothing to do with anything but I have to say it was the perfect storm.

He came at me out of the blue or maybe out of the oblivion, and in one fell swoop tried to time-travel me back to about age 15. And guess what, I was there, but then I wasn’t.  I didn’t cower, I stood up for myself in a way I never have and didn’t think I ever could.  Granted I wish I would have cooled it on the f-bombs I sent  flying around my living room, but I was calm, I was firm and I was so in my own power it was surreal.  As I was pretty much giving him the bums-rush out my front door, I don’t know who was more shocked him or me.  All the old tricks he used to pull on me, shame, guilt, etc. didn’t work.  Under the circumstances I felt like a million bucks, and then I didn’t.

I started to feel guilty, just a little bit but it was there.  I basically told my dad to get out of my home and my life, I was done with him and his rage.   My daughter, who was not home during the altercation, later asked me, “Where are we going to have Thanksgiving?”  I told her I didn’t know, but we would figure it out.

It’s been almost a week and I haven’t spoken to either of my parents, and I don’t know what is going to happen.  I spoke to two of my spiritual advisers and I now have a new perspective on what is going on here.  This is hard work but I feel so good, like I don’t have anything to be afraid of anymore.  Now I feel I can really get on with things.  xo-K

My two cents:  You can look away, run away, even move away but things don’t go away until you deal with them.

♥♥♥

Wow, this work is so amazing. I am so awed and impressed with the work K has done these past two weeks. We keep telling each other: I’m so glad I’m doing my work because when sh*t happens, it feels really good to remain conscious and heal what has been brought up for a holy healing!  K got the big whammy of healings that led to a spiritual breakthrough, and it was like watching goddess Kali at work.

You know Kali, the goddess of destruction and regeneration. She will burn your ass up and then dust you off your wings and let you fly.  As a close observer of K’s transformation, it was like watching a perfect storm unfolding. I could see/sense the storm clouds gathering, saw the flashes of lightening. And then shazam she was deep into the hero’s journey, all on her own, fighting for her soul, and she won. All I can say is there must have been one h*ll of a flash of energetic release blasting out of K’s living room that afternoon. She healed not just herself in the here and now, but also herself across time and space. Awesome!  K connected with her soul in a way she never had and she will never be the same again.

K mentioned that to her dad, she was that same defiant teenager who told him to stuff it, just before she started off on the journey to become the fierce, holy, and fabulous goddess that she is today. All I can say is he must have been so totally dazzled by her light that it scared the crap out of him and he resorted to all of the old tricks that used to subdue the girl before she became a woman. K met her dad as a fully evolved woman, not a child, and that is a beautiful thing to behold. The apprentice became the master. It’s the hero’s journey, in case it matters. The stuff of all great legends and heroines. Stay tuned. We are almost iconic. Love, C

My two cents: we are all on a hero’s journey that takes as long as it takes.

it ain't over till it's over

So many tears I’ve cried, so much pain inside, but baby it ain’t over till it’s over. . .”-Lenny Kravitz

Wow, did I get that in a big way this last past week.  We all have our stuff, family stuff, some worse than others but we all have it.  I know I’ve got mine, hell I kept dating my dad until the thought of dating at all was not even an option until I worked it out.  I have been working on it for years, and have been feeling pretty good about it, feeling healed around it. Spent time in therapy, worked it out in my romantic relationships, it has come up in this blog many times and I think that writing has been the most healing thing for me.  I felt I was good on the subject, and I was, but someone else was not.  And he was waiting for me right back where we left off 30 +years ago.

My dad, who I felt never wanted to talk about this or anything deep for that matter, had been holding onto our relationship just where we left it so many years ago when it went south.  We were never big on communication, I thought he wouldn’t be willing to go there, or maybe that was me not wanting to go there with him.  Wasn’t pleasant the first time around, thought it might be easier just doing the work by myself or with a partner who mirrored  his. . . let’s just say “energy.”

Never thought I would have the opportunity to deal with it directly with my dad, too much time had passed, where do you even start.  So you can imagine my surprise when the other day it happened, I won’t go into what lead up to this confrontation, doesn’t really matter, had nothing to do with anything but I have to say it was the perfect storm.

He came at me out of the blue or maybe out of the oblivion, and in one fell swoop tried to time-travel me back to about age 15. And guess what, I was there, but then I wasn’t.  I didn’t cower, I stood up for myself in a way I never have and didn’t think I ever could.  Granted I wish I would have cooled it on the f-bombs I sent  flying around my living room, but I was calm, I was firm and I was so in my own power it was surreal.  As I was pretty much giving him the bums-rush out my front door, I don’t know who was more shocked him or me.  All the old tricks he used to pull on me, shame, guilt, etc. didn’t work.  Under the circumstances I felt like a million bucks, and then I didn’t.

I started to feel guilty, just a little bit but it was there.  I basically told my dad to get out of my home and my life, I was done with him and his rage.   My daughter, who was not home during the altercation, later asked me, “Where are we going to have Thanksgiving?”  I told her I didn’t know, but we would figure it out.

It’s been almost a week and I haven’t spoken to either of my parents, and I don’t know what is going to happen.  I spoke to two of my spiritual advisers and I now have a new perspective on what is going on here.  This is hard work but I feel so good, like I don’t have anything to be afraid of anymore.  Now I feel I can really get on with things.  xo-K

My two cents:  You can look away, run away, even move away but things don’t go away until you deal with them.

♥♥♥

Wow, this work is so amazing. I am so awed and impressed with the work K has done these past two weeks. We keep telling each other: I’m so glad I’m doing my work because when sh*t happens, it feels really good to remain conscious and heal what has been brought up for a holy healing!  K got the big whammy of healings that led to a spiritual breakthrough, and it was like watching goddess Kali at work.

You know Kali, the goddess of destruction and regeneration. She will burn your ass up and then dust you off your wings and let you fly.  As a close observer of K’s transformation, it was like watching a perfect storm unfolding. I could see/sense the storm clouds gathering, saw the flashes of lightening. And then shazam she was deep into the hero’s journey, all on her own, fighting for her soul, and she won. All I can say is there must have been one h*ll of a flash of energetic release blasting out of K’s living room that afternoon. She healed not just herself in the here and now, but also herself across time and space. Awesome!  K connected with her soul in a way she never had and she will never be the same again.

K mentioned that to her dad, she was that same defiant teenager who told him to stuff it, just before she started off on the journey to become the fierce, holy, and fabulous goddess that she is today. All I can say is he must have been so totally dazzled by her light that it scared the crap out of him and he resorted to all of the old tricks that used to subdue the girl before she became a woman. K met her dad as a fully evolved woman, not a child, and that is a beautiful thing to behold. The apprentice became the master. It’s the hero’s journey, in case it matters. The stuff of all great legends and heroines. Stay tuned. We are almost iconic. Love, C

My two cents: we are all on a hero’s journey that takes as long as it takes.

crash into me

One of my all-time favorite romantic comedies is Bull Durham. In it, Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon), is about to seduce young-hunky-dumb Ebbie Calvin LaLoosh (Tim Robbins), the new up and coming star of the minor leagues. In the wings, veteran ball player Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) has been kicked from the Majors back down to the Minors and quietly waits to finish his career and maybe to dazzle Annie.

Crash finally gets Annie’s attention after she has told the two men that they are competing with each other for her affection. It is then Costner delivers one of the greatest romantic comedy lines of all time: “Well,” he tells her before walking out the door. “I believe in. . .the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot. . .opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

Annie can only reply, “Oh, my.” I mean, seriously? There is only one thing to do with the guy that can deliver a line like that: take him home. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

Of course, Annie did not do this right away. She was teaching the young punk with a 90 mph arm how to harness his thoughts, how to discipline his focus. The fact that she did this by convincing him to wear a garter belt and breathe through his eyeballs was just pure bonus. He was a punk and he sort of deserved it, but also, Annie had a mission. She was like Aphrodite, training the novice love warrior in the art of irony and the way of devotion. But even as she was spending her time with the young no-hitter, she secretly knew that Crash Davis was more compelling, more interesting, far deeper, and more capable of the long, slow burn. One of the things that made Crash so attractive is that he had some miles on him. He had cultivated humility, had earned every gray hair, every sly move.  He had been around the block, knew who he was, and was infinitely more interesting for it.

Back to the great speech: no pun intended, but in those few sentences, Crash manages to cover all the bases as follows:  reverence for women, the grace of a well placed move, the importance of health, the non-negotiable of pleasure, an ability to see beyond appearances, political free-thinking, honor for excellence, an appreciation for perfection, and respect for tradition. . .not to mention an off-the-chart hot-o-meter. Let us not forget, he started his soliloquy with reverence for the goddess, a quality never to be underestimated. Cheers, girls! Love, C

My two cents: You can star in the movie of your life or you can sit in the audience  and watch it all go by.

***

I love how C uses movies for metaphors and I love music reference.  I don’t really remember Bull Duhram, I mean I remember parts but nothing I could quote.  But now that my memory is refreshed, (thanks C), I remember loving the messages in that movie.  One in particular, men love a little healthy competition regarding the ladies, especially those jock types. And what girl doesn’t love two cute boys fighting over her?  Nothing makes a girl feel sexier than feeling wanted.

I don’t know about you but I can’t think of anything that makes me happier than someone I adore looking at me with his head cocked to the side.  You know the look, that  “Awwww, I am just crazy about you” head cock.  Simple, doesn’t cost any money, and you can’t fake it.  Yea, there is nothing like a good old fashioned love fest. Sitting around, doing nothing special  but staring into each other’s eyes, and adoring each other.  Sickening but sweet to the innocent bystander but it doesn’t matter to you.  Not that you even realize there was anyone even there in the room with you!

So just for fun, let’s go back come on you know you’ve got one, that one fav boyfriend, the one who knocked your socks off and made you believe in love for the first time (or believe in love again).  Go back, what was going on? What was your favorite song at the time?  What did you do and where did you go? Go back and remember every delicious detail.  If you haven’t yet had that feeling yet, find a movie relationship that feels close to how you would love to feel and relish that for a bit.

There is a reason for this, the more you recognize what makes you happy and feel good, the easier it will be to recognize it when it comes.  I still love my go-to, good feeling, fav boyfriend, and even though we didn’t last, all I have to do is think of him and it makes me happy.  Oh, and my go-to song to get me feeling great? “More than a Feeling” by Boston.  It’s a sure thing.  xo-K

My two cents:  Have a go-to, feel good, something.

losing yourself in love

Relationships are all about balance, you know? Give too little, and they wither on the vine. Give too much, and you run the risk of losing your sense of self. Oh, yeah. . .been there, done that, bought the whole truckload of tee shirts!

Why do we give ourselves away so easily after we’ve worked so hard to become the bright, radiant, sassy, sexy, capable goddesses that we are? I don’t think it’s because we’re flawed. I think it’s because we are so amazing, that we care so completely. Our well of compassion is so full and so deep, it feels like we have an endless supply to give to those we love. We have so much love to give that it seems impossible to give too much. Unfortunately, we’re also conditioned to put ourselves at the end of that people-to-love, list so that after we’re done doing for others and doing for others and doing for others, our well runs dry and we snap like on old dry twig. It’s easy to get lost in love. Thank goodness, we have our girlfriends, our sisters,  our daughters, to remind us to ‘put our own oxygen mask on first.’

Here’s the thing about goals: they have a way to completing themselves when you write them down. Like magic! I suggest that you make three goals for self care and that you share them with your best friend, who will monitor your progress and help you celebrate when you achieve them.

1. Take time for yourself each day. Even if it’s only five minutes locked in the bathroom, listening to your favorite music on your iPod. Do it.

2. Do one nice thing for yourself each month. Get a pedi. Take a bubblebath. Go for high tea at the Four Seasons. Do it.

3. Once a year, get away. Plan a girls weekend. Go on a retreat. Take a seminar. Do it.

This isn’t about indulgence. Okay, maybe it is. But the point is this: make you the focus of you once in a while. Give yourself some of that sweet lovin’ you rain on everyone around you. Nurture yourself. Love yourself. You’ll be a better person for it. Love, C

My two cents: remember, you are a goddess! Treat yourself like one.

***

I was just having three hour coffee with my dear friend discussing this very subject.  I have been dealing with resistance and working through that.  I feel as if I have made some headway, and this was a big one for me.  When I am single, I have no problem filling myself up, and taking time for me.  I have my weekly massage, and a pedi once a month, got that down no problem.  Even being a mom, I make time for me.  I think that is being a good role model for my daughter, take care of you, then give to others.  Makes sense, right?  I was just  having a little anxiety around still taking care of me, doing the things I like to do and not putting myself last when I have a man in my life.  I have lost myself before, but you know what?  I know now, that I will consciously care for myself.  Between chatting with my friend for hours around this and now reading C’s post, I know that I can stay me even when I become a we.

Maybe, just to be safe I will print this out and post it on my bathroom mirror as a reminder.  xo-K

My two cents:  Be true to you!

appreciate you!

Have you ever looked back at an old picture, maybe from high school or maybe from just a few years ago and thought, “I can’t believe I used to think I was fat then, I looked amazing”? I did, just last week. I have a picture of my Grandma, mom, me, and my daughter,  taken about six years ago that I keep on my dresser. I love to look at it every day to remember my grandma who passed away a few years ago. Anyway, I look at myself and I look beautiful. I can remember that time, even that day, and I was not feeling beautiful or thin or anything good about myself at all. What a shame.

So I have something to propose to you: can we stop doing that to ourselves, right now, today? Personally I am tired of feeling bad about myself and beating up on myself for not looking or acting or being perfect or what I think perfect should be. Let’s start looking at all the things to appreciate about ourselves. You have so many things that are great about you. Can we focus on those, start with one or two things a day?

Some friends and I did this with Gratitude for a few weeks before Thanksgiving: everyone posted something they were grateful for every day on Facebook. It felt to nice, shifted the energy completely. So I am going to continue that now with appreciation, of myself and all the wonderful things in my life.

If you have stuff you’re going through now that is not wonderful, put it aside for a bit. There is probably nothing you can really do about it anyway, plus the fact is worrying isn’t going to help, period. So for now, really look for things you like about yourself and let’s focus on those. It’s probably been a long time if ever, that you gave yourself a pat on the back for a job well done or noticed that you really do have beautiful hair, or that you really are a good friend and a great listener.

See what happens when you start out with one or two a day. It will take on a life of its own. And to quote Seal, “I want you to always feel you’re amazing”. xo-K

My two cents: When you put your attention on what you like about yourself, you will start to see more to like and so will others.

***

Ah, yes, appreciation.  Did you know that appreciation is a wonderful tool for manifesting? Yep, it’s true. Try it. Try shutting down the inner critic. Well, that actually takes a bit of practice. Maybe to begin with you can try observing your thoughts and when you find that you’re being critical of anyone else or even yourself (it’s the same thing, really), turn that thought around. Instead of naming what’s wrong, find something that’s right. There, now. Doesn’t that feel better? And when you feel better, when your energy is higher, the outcomes you desire can more easily manifest. Who can’t love that?

To take appreciation a step further, make a list of things to appreciate. Obviously, this works better when you’re in a groovy, flowy, non-judgmental  mood than when you’re all cranky-boots about something. If you’re in a bad mood, it will cheer you up FAST. If you’re in a good mood, it will lift you up higher. I promise — this is some serious magic!

First, get out your journal and  title a page “ME.” Or “Things I Appreciate About ME.” Number the rows 1-10, and start. Begin with something easy, like “eyes.” Maybe you have beautiful eyes. Own that, you dazzling goddess! Then find something else about yourself to appreciate, like how you make the best hot chocolate in the known galaxy. Write it down. Keep going, you’re on a roll now! If you get stuck,  write what your best friend would say about you. Not enough? Try “I appreciate the fact that I’m willing to write a list about things I appreciate about myself.”

Self love is important. Especially if you’re looking for love “out there” because after all, if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to do it?

Oh, and, about the list? Here’s an extra-credit challenge for you. If you breezed through the list of ten without a hitch, amp it up. Try a list of 20 or even 30. You’ll find that once you get past the obvious, it’s a little harder and you may even have to start appreciating those things about yourself that you had not previously been so kind about. You can do it ~ and let us know what wonderful gifts you discover about yourself. Love, C

My two cents: No one can be you like YOU. You’re amazing!

step away from the phone

Grandma knew a thing or two in her day. Back in her time, there were rules to live by, traditions to respect. Agree or disagree, but in some ways those days were easier to navigate. In those days, girls were girls and boys were boys and everyone was pretty sure about their roles were.  Then came the cultural revolution of the 1960s and all h*ll broke loose.

Some of that revolution was good: the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Joni Mitchell.  Also: reproductive choice, and careers for women beyond teacher and nurse (nothing wrong with either of those. Just sayin’). Some of the revolution was just a pretty illusion: women are just like men. This idea was radical at the time, but the truth is, we’re not the same. We’re equal, and we’re different.

Back in Grandma’s day, there was a rule: girls don’t call boys. Period, end of story. It was about this: boys are hunters. They can’t help it, it’s in their genes. Girls are  nurturers. Again, can’t help it; it’s just how we’re wired. John Gray calls it Mars and Venus. Anyway, nature designed us quite brilliantly. Flowers don’t go around chasing bumblebees. They just sit back all beautiful, sweet-smelling, dazzling. It’s isn’t rocket science, sweetie, it’s nature, in all her glorious wisdom. Be still. Be mysterious. Let nature do her magic.

Today, we’ve forgotten the simplicity of what relationship can and should be. Today, we have to be reminded about basic human nature by books like “He’s just not that into you.” The message here is simple: appreciate who you are and what you have to offer. After all, you’re a goddess, with gifts and treasures and delights to behold. If he doesn’t call, he’s just not motivated. It’s not that you’re imperfect, it’s not that you’re lacking that special something. It’s just that the two of you are not a match. It’s not that making the first move is morally wrong. It’s just counter-productive. In case it matters.

The next time you have a great first date, savor the giddy-dizzy feelings the experience stirs in you. In the days to follow, hang out with the yummy-buzzy  butterflies dancing in your stomach. Wait for the phone to ring. If it does, hurrah! A chance to find out more about this candidate for your prized companionship. If the call doesn’t come, step away from the phone! Do not take the bold initiative. Do not be aggressive, do not be woman hear your roar. Do not dial his number and rob yourself of the chance to be on the receiving end of all that delicious desire.

My two cents: Hold out. You’re worth it, darling. Love, C

***

Flash forward a decade or five.  I am hosting a sleep-over of about ten 10 year old girls and basically repeating what Grama told C.  Although now it also applies to e-mail and texting.  What I told these sweet, not at all ready to date young girls is, “Don’t call guys, it doesn’t work when you’re 10 doesn’t work when you’re 40.  Just doesn’t work period.”

As I am telling the girls why I believe they won’t get the results that they will want, when they are actually at the age when this will all apply, some part of me is hoping that this will really sink in.  At least as far as my daughter is concerned I am hoping that this info will just be a “given,” you know like you get in the car and you automatically put on your seat belt.  I guess on some level I am trying to save her a bit of the frustration of wondering when someone hasn’t called her yet, if it is EVER a good idea to call a guy and basically ask  him why he hasn’t called.  Isn’t that what we are doing when we make that call? Aren’t we on some level trying to manipulate the situation?  Just asking.

I have repeated this sentiment to my daughter on many occasions over the years, I think for my benefit as well as hers.  I have told her time and again that you can’t force someone to like you, (I needed to remember that). You can’t manipulate someone to do what you want them to do when you want them to do it, (again, I needed to remember that).  When we are in these times when there is so much talk about manifesting and attraction, and I do believe for sure, and I am trying to school my daughter on these laws as well. I have had to explain why in some cases you can have what you want, manifest it, attract it; but there are some cases when you just can’t.  When you are messing with someone else’s free will those rules don’t apply.

Sucks sometimes when you think you have met your future husband and you think he’s just too lame to know it yet: but girls it takes two, not just you, to make that love connection and you can’t force someone to want you.  Sorry.  (I needed to remember that one too!).    And remember, you want someone who absolutely adores you, thinks of you all day and can’t wait to call you.
Remember that!  He’s coming, xo-K

My two cents:  The perfect guy for you wants to call you, he doesn’t feel like he has to.