texting isn’t dating

Dating in the digital age is not for the faint of heart, is it? There are so many more options today than ever before in the history of this crazy little blue marble rolling around in space.

One of my dear new friends in my new home town met the love of her life before the digital dating phenom got rolling. She and her gal pals were sharing dinner out one night lamenting the single life (as women have been doing since the dawn of time), and one thing led to another. Before the night ended, these smart, sexy, sassy women all made a pact to run a post in one of the local weekly papers known for concert reviews, leftist political views, and explicit and not-so-explicit classified personal ads.

My friend ran her ad and got several responses. She made such an impression on one guy she met for coffee that he canceled the date he had with another lady he’d connected with from the classifieds. Throughout their courtship, my friend’s sweetheart wooed her by writing her one romantic letter a month for 36 months. At then end of the third year of love letters, he proposed. omg! Such a love story.

Fast forward to 2010: now we have online dating services and cell phones and text messages. We are dating in a digital age no one ever dreamed of. People still meet in the produce aisle, at church picnics, on the bus.  They also meet in cyberspace with photos and bios and various fictional versions of their their life stories.  Since venturing into the cyber-classifieds, I’ve taken the necessary precautions to avoid cyber-creeps. But I’ve always said you can meet a creep at an ice-cream social, so caveat emptor is the motto of  dating adults everywhere.

So recently, I found myself exchanging emails and text messages with a person of interest.  Yes, we met online, so the email and texting are not entirely unrelated to the whole e-dating process.  The thing is, we’ve met in-person. Clear and mutual interest was expressed by both parties. We even touched lips,  swapped spit. . . And yet? No forward movement. I figured, he’s just not that into me and was prepared to move on. Then we started up with the texts and flirty emails again. It was fun, but no hints about meeting up. Started to feel weird. Of course, K and I talked about it. The radar started to pingpingping. It’s not natural to meet someone you like and not want to spend time together. Unless. . .unless. Okay, girls. We all know what that “unless” means.  Something’s not on the up and up. The story isn’t holding together. We’ve all been in that place where our intuition started to warn us off and we ignored it, haven’t we? Can we all agree to not do that anymore?

The truth is, texting is not dating. Emails are not a relationship. Romance at a distance is the safety valve for someone who isn’t really ready for love. Not that any one of these things is wrong. Unless you want an authentic relationship, which every goddess is worthy of, btw.  I’m just sayin.’ Love, C

My two cents: be willing to walk away and never  settle for less than you really want!

♥♥♥

As I have mentioned before, I have been on dating hiatus for a while and don’t have experience with digital dating, but I do know a thing or10 about signs and when actions and words don’t jive.  So when C filled me in on what was going on with Mr. e-mailer/texter, something definitely was feeling a little off to me.  I totally understand emailing and such in the beginning of online dating, it’s fun, flirty and relatively safe.  Who hasn’t experienced the giddy feeling of opening up your inbox in the morning to a fun little note from a boy you are interested in.  That can go on for as long or short a period as the two people involved feel comfortable with.  For me and my experience with blind dating, I would rather get right to it.  Physical attraction is a big thing and I think a lot gets lost in translation when your only communication is email and text. So when I meet someone new for a coffee or a glass of wine I usually get a pretty good read if I am going to be interested in moving forward right away.  It is usually a, oh yea, yippee, he looks cool, or, there is no way in hell.

I am not being superficial and I am not talking about just the way someone looks, it’s more than that.  It is their vibe, the feeling you get when you are face to face with someone that as flirty as a text is it’s just never the same.

So back to said dilemma, what if there seems to be mutual interest between you and Mr. blind date/online guy and things go back to just texting and e-mailing?  I can’t say that that has ever happened to me but it doesn’t sound like something I would spend a lot of time with. . . but hey that’s me.  I guess maybe sometimes people want to take things slow but come on!!!

I guess it all goes back to knowing what exactly it is that you want and holding out for it.  I know for me no where on my list of things I want in a man is someone who is afraid of getting hurt so much  they have to move in reverse, nor am I looking for someone who doesn’t trust his own judgment.  But that’s my thing.  xo-K

My two cents:  Be true to yourself, know what you want in a relationship and never settle.

step away from the phone

Grandma knew a thing or two in her day. Back in her time, there were rules to live by, traditions to respect. Agree or disagree, but in some ways those days were easier to navigate. In those days, girls were girls and boys were boys and everyone was pretty sure about their roles were.  Then came the cultural revolution of the 1960s and all h*ll broke loose.

Some of that revolution was good: the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Joni Mitchell.  Also: reproductive choice, and careers for women beyond teacher and nurse (nothing wrong with either of those. Just sayin’). Some of the revolution was just a pretty illusion: women are just like men. This idea was radical at the time, but the truth is, we’re not the same. We’re equal, and we’re different.

Back in Grandma’s day, there was a rule: girls don’t call boys. Period, end of story. It was about this: boys are hunters. They can’t help it, it’s in their genes. Girls are  nurturers. Again, can’t help it; it’s just how we’re wired. John Gray calls it Mars and Venus. Anyway, nature designed us quite brilliantly. Flowers don’t go around chasing bumblebees. They just sit back all beautiful, sweet-smelling, dazzling. It’s isn’t rocket science, sweetie, it’s nature, in all her glorious wisdom. Be still. Be mysterious. Let nature do her magic.

Today, we’ve forgotten the simplicity of what relationship can and should be. Today, we have to be reminded about basic human nature by books like “He’s just not that into you.” The message here is simple: appreciate who you are and what you have to offer. After all, you’re a goddess, with gifts and treasures and delights to behold. If he doesn’t call, he’s just not motivated. It’s not that you’re imperfect, it’s not that you’re lacking that special something. It’s just that the two of you are not a match. It’s not that making the first move is morally wrong. It’s just counter-productive. In case it matters.

The next time you have a great first date, savor the giddy-dizzy feelings the experience stirs in you. In the days to follow, hang out with the yummy-buzzy  butterflies dancing in your stomach. Wait for the phone to ring. If it does, hurrah! A chance to find out more about this candidate for your prized companionship. If the call doesn’t come, step away from the phone! Do not take the bold initiative. Do not be aggressive, do not be woman hear your roar. Do not dial his number and rob yourself of the chance to be on the receiving end of all that delicious desire.

My two cents: Hold out. You’re worth it, darling. Love, C

***

Flash forward a decade or five.  I am hosting a sleep-over of about ten 10 year old girls and basically repeating what Grama told C.  Although now it also applies to e-mail and texting.  What I told these sweet, not at all ready to date young girls is, “Don’t call guys, it doesn’t work when you’re 10 doesn’t work when you’re 40.  Just doesn’t work period.”

As I am telling the girls why I believe they won’t get the results that they will want, when they are actually at the age when this will all apply, some part of me is hoping that this will really sink in.  At least as far as my daughter is concerned I am hoping that this info will just be a “given,” you know like you get in the car and you automatically put on your seat belt.  I guess on some level I am trying to save her a bit of the frustration of wondering when someone hasn’t called her yet, if it is EVER a good idea to call a guy and basically ask  him why he hasn’t called.  Isn’t that what we are doing when we make that call? Aren’t we on some level trying to manipulate the situation?  Just asking.

I have repeated this sentiment to my daughter on many occasions over the years, I think for my benefit as well as hers.  I have told her time and again that you can’t force someone to like you, (I needed to remember that). You can’t manipulate someone to do what you want them to do when you want them to do it, (again, I needed to remember that).  When we are in these times when there is so much talk about manifesting and attraction, and I do believe for sure, and I am trying to school my daughter on these laws as well. I have had to explain why in some cases you can have what you want, manifest it, attract it; but there are some cases when you just can’t.  When you are messing with someone else’s free will those rules don’t apply.

Sucks sometimes when you think you have met your future husband and you think he’s just too lame to know it yet: but girls it takes two, not just you, to make that love connection and you can’t force someone to want you.  Sorry.  (I needed to remember that one too!).    And remember, you want someone who absolutely adores you, thinks of you all day and can’t wait to call you.
Remember that!  He’s coming, xo-K

My two cents:  The perfect guy for you wants to call you, he doesn’t feel like he has to.