don’t get mad. . .get furious!

Grr! I had one of those days, you know? My car (leased) had a leak last spring. I live in the rain belt, and was driving around one day after a crazy end-of-times downpour and heard water sloshing around inside the car. What?  After a couple of days, the water noise persisted, so I drove into the dealership, where they discovered that a drainage tube from my sunroof had malfunctioned, and instead of draining outside the car, was pouring water into the passenger side of the car. Seriously?

Recently, I noticed a funky, spoiled milk smell in the car. So today when I delivered my car to the dealer for an oil change, I asked them to check it out. I waited all day, then called the service department to get a status report. After sitting on hold for a suspiciously long time, a guy came on and said they were “just finishing up.”  Really? “What about the leak?” I asked. More time on hold. Well, the upshot is that there is in fact, a leak and while they haven’t exactly pinpointed it, they can’t fix it today because the guy who can authorize the extra-special work is out of town. Oi.

According to the all-seeing Google, my dealership is exactly 2.1 miles from where I work. So I went to a co-worker’s office, where my boss was also hanging. “What’s up,” my boss asked. “I need a ride,” I replied. “My car got serviced today and they didn’t fix it, but I need to pick it up.” Now, I swear to God, this is what happened: the co-worker hunched his shoulders and stared even harder at his computer screen. My boss looked at me and said “wow, that’s too bad,” and walked away.

Seriously?  “Eff that,” I said to myself, and called a cab.  Then naturally, I called K. “Don’t get all spiritual about it,” K advised, “get mad!” So I did. We both blew off steam together, and it felt really good! We ended up laughing because we just kept getting more outrageous about expressing our various reasons for being royally pissed off. You know what? I’m clear now, instead of being in a stew. Thank you, stupid co-workers! Love, C

My two cents: pushing down your feelings is like pushing a beach  ball under water — they’ll just pop up again and again until you resolve them.

♥♥♥

Anger is a valid emotion.  It is in about the middle of the emotional guidance scale I mentioned a few posts back, but we all, for some reason have some issues when we or someone we know gets “angry.” Whether we think we are not entitled to being angry, or as C said before, it’s not spiritual to be angry, anger has been coming up for me and when something keeps showing up. . .there is something there for me to learn.

When you don’t own your feelings, when you don’t honor the fact that you have the right to feel however you feel,  you are doing a disservice to yourself.  If you don’t have your own back, OMG, well that’s a recipe for depression.  We all have the right to feel how we feel.  And if someone does something mean or stupid, well. . . you can be pissed about it! Then let it go.

I can tell you that is 100 percent true.  When we first started writing this post, C was dumbfounded by the complete insensitivity she experienced at work.  I on the other hand was mad at my mom.  We both kinda went off and vented big time.  It felt good, felt clear, I started writing kinda in the middle of all that and then had to go pick up kids or something so I just figured I would go back to this where I left off, but I couldn’t.  I tried twice, we even started a whole other post and I still couldn’t get back to this one, until today. . .   and it just hit me,  since I had released the anger, vented with C, it was gone.  I wasn’t angry anymore so I couldn’t call it back up and continue with the post with the same energy.

That’s the beauty of feeling your feelings, getting furious if that’s how you are feeling in the moment.  Once you get it out, it’s done.  Over.  Awesome!  Sure, you might get mad again, but you won’t go bonkers if someone cuts you off in traffic.You already let all the people from the last month or your whole lifetime, have a pass, which means you don’t have to vent now.  Wow! See? It works out for everyone.  xo-K

My two cents:  everything is energy, and everything has value, even anger.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkgEZa7lDHw

turn it around

You know, we Two Girls aren’t just handing out advice here like Lifesaver candies on a road trip. We’re actually doing the work, talking about it between ourselves, chatting about it some more, and then putting it out there for all to read. Fun!

One of the best tools I’ve found lately is the Turn-Around.  It’s a Readers Digest Condensed version of Byron Katie’s work, which involves a series of questions.  Katie’s work is amazing stuff. I’ve heard about it for years, and I guess I just wasn’t ready to hear it, because I only just recently picked up her book. You know how that is, right? Someone tells you about a great self-help book, and you listen to interviews, read reviews, dance all around it, but don’t actually do the actual work because that’s too scary, right? Oh, wait. Maybe that’s just me. . . .

Anyway, so Katie has this process that involves focusing on something that pushes every hot button you’ve got. And that’s where the work begins. Like a grandma, Katie says, “okay sweetheart, let’s begin.” Seems safe enough to talk to Grandma, right?

The trouble with the work for me, is that it involves a series of logical and armor-piercing questions. But when I’m in the middle of my drama, the last thing I want to do is sit down and run myself through a list of questions. So I’ve figured out a shortcut. I go right to the apex of Katie’s work: the turnaround. The turnaround works like this: whatever it is you’re blaming the other person for, you turn it around and own it. “She’s so selfish!” becomes “I am so selfish!”  Projections like “He never supports what is important to me” become “I don’t support what is important to me.”

It seems kind of crazy, but it works. When you reject a part of yourself, your little inner goddess finds it too painful to bear, and so you project it onto someone else, blame someone else. I’m not bad. . .you’re bad! It seems to fix the problem, but the problem never really goes away until you deal with it.

I recently had the chance to work this out with a co-worker who bailed on an important project just a couple of hours before I had to present it to the board of directors. I started to stew. “She’s so irresponsible!” I said to myself, feeling justified. And then I stopped, took a breath, and turned it around. “Wait,” I said to myself. “I’m so irresponsible.” It wasn’t until I said that, that I realized where I had let the project down, I hadn’t given it my best.  I immediately felt better. And you know what? My co-worker who had called in sick showed up at the office, completed her part of the project, and then went home again.

This stuff isn’t always fun, and it isn’t always pretty, but it works if you’re willing to work it! Love, C

My two cents: The world is just a mirror of our thoughts, showing us the places we still need to heal.

♥♥♥

Like I said before I haven’t read Byron Katie’s book yet but I guess since it keeps coming up, (thanks C), I better get on it. But I have been noticing the same things in my own life C is talking about.  I love how that works.

All the things that bother you, or things you simply notice are clues for you, like a cosmic treasure hunt, guiding you along your path to higher consciousness.  I have become really aware when I notice something that  someone else is doing and it really annoys me, that there is a lesson in there for me.  There is something around it that I need to work on  and instead of it just being annoyed by it, I am starting to see it as a gift.

This is new to me so I am still bumbling around with it but you have no idea how cool it is when you get to the point that no matter what is happening out there you are still okay. Or better than okay because you really get that everything that gets your attention, that you are noticing is for your benefit.

One of the things that can stress me out and get my panties in a bunch are red lights.  Sounds so silly and unimportant but don’t most people get the craziest about the simplest things.  I get irritated when I am running late for work and I hit every red light, is someone watching me and pushing a button turning those stupid lights red as I pull up?  Of course not but doesn’t it feel like that sometimes?  Grrrr.

I now know that red lights only bother me when I am running late.  The light is the same, my reaction to them is different depending on what I am doing.  If I leave the house with plenty of time I have no issue with sitting at a stoplight. And let’s face it, don’t you sometimes hope you hit a red light  because you need to look at directions or apply your lipstick ?  Just sayin’.

You can apply this way of thinking to pretty much any issue, big or small.  It’s easier to start with something seemingly small and unimportant, but sometimes those are the ones you have to biggest problem with.  Do you really care if the waitress or someone you don’t know or care about is rude to you?  Does it really matter if an anonymous driver speeds up to cut in front of you on the freeway?  Really?

Last week my daughter and I were relaxing at our pool.  There was a girl sitting near us  on the phone complaining about her life, while her kids were in the pool screaming for attention.  She repeated her “story,” over and over to each friend who came to join her at the pool.  At first I was annoyed, I wished she would just shut the hell up, then I stopped and realized how interesting it was that we were sitting in the same place by a beautiful pool, on a beautiful day and in that moment having two totally different experiences.  Does she have more problems than I do to fuss about?  Maybe, but in that moment, she wasn’t even appreciating what she had. xo-K

My two cents:  Everything that is happening out there is for your benefit, it really is.

it takes as long as it takes

I was talking to one of my bffs the other day, a girl wh0 goes in and out of hell  pretty much daily. She’s at war with her ex and it’s a battle of wills, the kind of battle that can never really be won and she knows it but for some reason she just can’t let it go.

My friend wants it to be over but she also wants to be right and wants to win, a  deadly combination.  In one minute she wants it to be done, she can’t stand dealing with him or his drama  for another minute and doesn’t care if she wins or who has to pay.  Then. . . she thinks about it and that’s where the trouble starts.  “It’s not fair,”  she cries, and now she wants to win.

Is she justified? Yes. Does she deserve to win? Oh hell yeah.  Is that stopping the ending from beginning?  Yes my darling it is.

Does she want to be right or be happy?  She wants  both, and frankly that is the problem because both is not an option.  Sorry, you have to choose. It’s hard, but it can be done, and it takes as long as it takes.  I love my friend to death but when she reports on the latest, way he’s done me wrong, I can’t help but think, you could end this right here, right now. . .just let it go.

No one person is your source. No one is responsible for your happiness but you.  If you don’t like what is going on, either get out of it or if that isn’t possible, look at it in a different light.  What other choice do you have?  If you can’t see it in a way that you feel okay about, then maybe you need to look at something else.  Some other aspect in you life that is working.  That does make you happy.  It’s always a choice.

If you are always looking to others to do things in a way that works for you or say the perfect thing or you can only be happy when you hit all the green lights on the way to work and nobody says anything to hurt your feelings, you have a tough road ahead of you.

I have learned from years of looking at things from all different perspectives that there are as many green lights as red, but most people don’t seem to notice the good things as much as the things that annoy or irritate them. You can’t make the light change shades by sheer will but you can change the way you feel when sitting at the red light.  Stop, look around, notice something beautiful.

And if you can’t manage to do that don’t worry, just give it some time,  with a little practice you can master being happy no matter what the circumstances are, but in the mean time, if those red lights are driving you  crazy and ruining your day. . . leave 5 minutes earlier.  Just a suggestion. xo-K

My two cents:  Just like you wouldn’t scream at a two year old, “get up ya little dummy”  when he falls learning to walk, don’t be hard on yourself when you don’t get it.  Just know that only YOU can change the way you look at things.

♥♥♥

Marianne Williamson has a prayer that I adore and which is brilliant in its simplicity. It goes like this: “Dear God, please don’t change this situation before me, but help me to change my mind about it.”

It isn’t that your spouse left you for another woman when you were three months pregnant, it is the thoughts you hold about that affair. There are so many feelings you can attach to a situation like that. Betrayal, sadness, rage, anger, the whole spectrum of pain and suffering. And they are all valid. But the truth is, you are the one who attaches the pain and the suffering, no one else. There is a saying about resentment: it’s like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Love it!

Sometimes life lessons knock us off our pins. Sometimes we aren’t done with the tug of war because we feel like if we stop fighting and just let it be, it will mean we don’t care or that our love never mattered or that no one will love us ever again. We do such a number on ourselves.

Byron Katie had a technique called The Work. It mostly involves taking a position and then asking a number of questions to determine if your thoughts about it are “true.”  For instance, the woman whose husband left her could say, “he should pay for what he did to me.” Is this true? Did she really have no part in the rift that eventually divided their marriage, no responsibility?  The final element of Katie’s work is to turn it around. The abandoned woman could say, “I left me long before he did.” You know when you hit on the truth. Rather, you feel it. You get goosebumps, or let loose a big sigh, or feel a chill. You know.

When you ask God to help you change your mind about a situation, you are really asking for peace. You are really asking to detach from the pain and suffering that you have attached to the scene (which your soul really just created to give you a chance to heal a past emotional wound). The pain only exists in our mind anyway, right? You can’t point to a room in your house and say ‘this is where betrayal lives.’ It’s just an idea. And like any idea, you can either think it over and over and over again until it becomes a belief, or you can let it go. Love, C

My two cents: We are all just bumping around here, doing the best we can, trying to remember that we are all emissaries of love, learning to love again.

dating blind

I had breakfast with a friend this morning and told her I had a date tonight. “Text me when you’re done,” she said. That’s how we roll these days. Intro online, meet briefly, text results. My girl and I sat there for a while, talking about the perils and pleasures of dating in the digital age. L married her man when she was in her forties, and a decade later, they are still very much in love. They are sweet to be around, and he adores her.  “Remember, everyone has baggage,” L said as we parted ways.

Call me reckless or foolish (pick one), but a small corner of my romance-believing heart thinks that maybe happiness can be found online, that expanding the numbers of people you encounter exponentially can work for you, like playing the slots at a casino. That by stirring up the cosmic pot of attraction, fate and destiny will conspire to deliver romance right to my door. Hey! It’s a theory!  So then, here are the results of dating blind thus far:

Bachelor Number One was a really nice guy with boy-next-door good looks,  who is still reallllly angry about the tragic death of his wife ten years ago in a completely random accident and who is tenderly caring for an aging labrador that as a couple they adopted when the old girl was still a pup. That dog is his most loyal and steadfast companion and it gives me shivers to see that heartbreak peeking over the horizon.

Bachelor Number Two, was the retired physician who was really smart, I mean really, like Mensa, smart. And interesting. World traveler. Dancer. Smooth, except he thought it was entirely appropriate to try to feel me up as we sat side by side in a romantic little resto on our third date. Oops. Come on!

Then, there was Groovy Guy, dude who was hella fun on our first/last/only meet up and who felt safer texting than actually meeting face to face, so risky. Groovy guy, as it turns out was  smart, funny, sexy as all get out. . . and who’s wounded heart stopped him from being fully present. Pity, because among other things, he gets two girls! Tsk.

A couple of weeks ago, I had coffee with a guy who suggested we meet for the first time  right after his weekly yoga class. Seriously, dude?   Man sweat is so not a first date turn-on.   Anyway, when we finally met, I introduced Yoga Man to a groovy little coffee shop I know, where we talked and swapped stories for an hour or so. Said he’d call. Have yet to hear from him. Could be he pulled a hamstring.

And now we are up tonight’s audition for most beloved new friend and potential love interest: retired pilot.  He thinks I’m spicy, a hot little tomato. He wants to go to cooking school in Tuscany. Hm. As it turns out, I could get used to someone who knows their marinara from their puttanesca!  Love, C

My two cents: suit up, show up, enjoy the adventure!

♥♥♥

This is the reason why, when dating, especially online dating that you get really clear about what you want.  Whether you are looking for love online or just going out and putting yourself in the position to meet a potential partner, know what it is that you are looking for.   When you are interacting with a number of men, as you do when you are meeting online, you need to have a little bit more to go on when choosing, besides the superficial things like how he looks and what he does for a living.  You could possibly be spending a lot of time with this person, possibly the rest of your life, soooo. . .what exactly is it that you are looking for?

It’s so odd that when dating, and perhaps picking a potential life partner, we just kinda go out and wing it. We just bump around and kinda just go out with whoever shows up.  Well not everyone who shows up, but kinda whoever asks you out that seems nice and is physically attractive to you.  You don’t do that when picking a job, or buying a house. Most people are really clear about what they want in a house and they don’t really think about settling.  I think a lot of people put more thought into picking out an outfit to go on the date than actually what they want in the person they are dating.

Sometimes it is easier to start with what you don’t want and go from there.  C was put off with a guy who was going to meet her all sweaty after a yoga class.  Not what she wants, so what does she want?  Maybe someone who puts some thought and consideration and preparation into an initial meeting.  Don’t want to always have to do all the planning for a date?  I know after working all week, making decisions all day and being a mom, I don’t want to have to decide what to do on a date.  I like a man who asks me out and has a plan, or at least throws out a few options for me to pick from and then he makes the arrangements.

I have made a list and it is divided into negotiable and non-negotiables.  There are some things that I would love to have in a partner but if  I meet someone amazing and he doesn’t have or do those things it’s okay, they would be preferred but they are not deal breakers.  Then there are a few thing that are on my no how-no way list.  It is helpful to me because I have been known in the past to jump into something with a super hot guy who has a whole laundry list of characteristics that I didn’t even know that I didn’t want and then I was stuck in love with them and let’s just put it this way, I wish I would have been a little bit clearer about what I was looking for.

We all know about laws of attraction, and we are getting really clear about what happens when you put your attention on something.  So maybe it’s time to take a little time and give some thought about what the perfect relationship would look like.  Besides helping you get clear and upping your chances of getting exactly what you want, it’s a fun exercise as well.  xo–K

My two cents:  Put a little thought into what it is you would prefer, because the universe wants you to have exactly what you want.

Get ready so you can be ready

Do you know how special you are? All the amazing things about you?  When is the last time you thought about it? Have you ever thought about it?  The truth is we all have beauty, talent, and that something special that makes you, you. We can all be so hard on ourselves, notice that extra pound or five, or when you hair is not just so, but when was the last time you gave yourself props for how great you looked or how smart you are?   A year ago?  Never?

A lot women don’t value  and appreciate themselves and then wonder why the men they end up dating don’t appreciate them.  The thing is you have to do it first.  If you put yourself on a pedestal, the man in your life will have to, or he won’t be in your life.  You want to be treated with love and respect, don’t put up with less.

You have to get there first, shift the energy. If in the past, you have put up with less than loving respectful treatment, maybe you need to take a break.  Spend some time with yourself, figure out what you want and how you want to be treated and what are your deal breakers are.  Know that you are amazing and worthy and don’t settle for less.  No more excuses. Ever.  If you don’t value yourself, others won’t either.  Not everyone is a match and not everyone needs to like you, but you need to like you.  You are the one that matters the most.

You need to get ready so you can be ready. If you want this great amazing guy and he shows up you need to know that you are worth having someone like that.  If you feel insecure or not worthy, it’s not fun and you might do something to sabotage the relationship or just get jealous or something. Another thing that happens when you haven’t done your work is you just don’t meet anyone that you would even consider dating. Then you are disillusioned and think there are no good men out there.

A good friend of mine, G, after trying the Match thing without much luck took a little break to re-evaluate.  She really got serious about what she wanted, even made a list.  She got really clear, she was a catch and deserved a good man.  On some level she just knew that something shifted after that.  She just had a feeling that she was really close to getting what she was looking for and had this sense of peace about it.  She met her husband soon after and he was everything she was looking for and more.  He absolutely adores her and  feels he hit the jackpot finding her.  They have mutual love and respect for each other and are having the time of their lives.  I am so happy for both of them.

I have heard so many stories like this lately,  so I know it really happens. I have asked a few of my friends and clients to share their stories with me and I will be sharing them here.  It is so inspiring and really makes me feel hopeful.  I know we can all get the feeling sometimes,that it will never happen.  Like you have to settle, because nobody’s perfect right?  Don’t do that to yourself, there is someone out there who will be just what you are looking for and guess what?  They are looking for you too, and it’s going to be so worth the wait.  xo-K

My two cents:  see your beauty, know your worth and just know you are going to get exactly what you want.

♥♥♥

One of my favorite ways to get ready or “pre-pave” in Abraham-Hick lingo, is to imagine.  Not creative, you say? I beg to differ, my darling. We are always imagining stuff. More often than not, we imagine the worst rather than the best. How do I know? You can tell how you’re thinking by the words you use. Phrases like “just my luck” or “yeah, right!” are symptoms of a negative imagination.

What if instead, we started imagining a better future instead of the same dreary, uninspired one we’ve been hauling around behind us all our lives like some kind of moth-eaten hunting trophy? Instead of feeling all boohoo, nothing good ever happens to me and then secretly hoping that something good does manage to fight its way through our defenses, we imagine something that we want, like oh, happiness?  Remember, you don’t have to figure out how to get happy all we have to do is figure out how to be happy and all the rest will follow.

One of my favorite ways to get over my own  habitual thinking, is to imagine a scenario in my mind, start pretending it’s so, and then allow the good feelings to flow. Lately, I’ve been feeling what it’s like to have my perfect partner in my life. When I’m getting ready for work, I’ll imagine that he’s in the next room, reading the paper or writing emails, planning his day.  Or, I’ll be driving, and imagine that the evening ahead is already planned: a quiet dinner, just the two of us. Or I’ll be running my Saturday errands, and imagine that he’s out running man errands, and we’ll meet up in the afternoon for a bike ride out along the river, or a movie in town. These are not full blown fantasies, they are simply small, quiet thoughts that make me feel happy.

Albert Einstein said, “imagination is more important than knowledge.”  Dude knew something. I’m going with that.  Practice feeling the feeling! It costs nothing and offers big rewards. Huge. Love, C

My two cents: practice feeling how you want to feel and the universe will bend over backwards to second that emotion.

get ready so you can be ready

Do you know how special you are? All the amazing things about you?  When is the last time you thought about it? Have you ever thought about it?  The truth is we all have beauty, talent, and that something special that makes you, you. We can all be so hard on ourselves, notice that extra pound or five, or when you hair is not just so, but when was the last time you gave yourself props for how great you looked or how smart you are?   A year ago?  Never?

A lot of women don’t value  and appreciate themselves and then wonder why the men they end up dating don’t appreciate them.  The thing is you have to do it first.  If you put yourself on a pedestal, the man in your life will have to, or he won’t be in your life.  You want to be treated with love and respect, don’t put up with less.

You have to get there first, shift the energy. If in the past, you have put up with less than loving respectful treatment, maybe you need to take a break.  Spend some time with yourself, figure out what you want and how you want to be treated and what are your deal breakers are.  Know that you are amazing and worthy and don’t settle for less.  No more excuses. Ever.  If you don’t value yourself, others won’t either.  Not everyone is a match and not everyone needs to like you, but you need to like you.  You are the one that matters the most.

You need to get ready so you can be ready. If you want this great amazing guy and he shows up, you need to know that you are worth having someone like that.  If you feel insecure or not worthy, it’s not fun and you might do something to sabotage the relationship or just get jealous or push him away. Another thing that happens when you haven’t done your work is you just don’t meet anyone that you would even consider dating. Then you feel hopeless and disillusioned and think there are no good men out there.

A good friend of mine, G, after trying the Match thing without much luck took a little break to re-evaluate.  She really got serious about what she wanted, even made a list.  She got really clear, she was a catch and deserved a good man.  On some level she just knew that something shifted after that.  She just had a feeling that she was really close to getting what she was looking for and had this sense of peace about it.  She met her husband soon after and he was everything she was looking for and more.  He absolutely adores her and  feels he hit the jackpot finding her.  They have mutual love and respect for each other and are having the time of their lives.  I am so happy for both of them.

I have heard so many stories like this lately,  so I know it really happens. I have asked a few of my friends and clients to share their stories with me and I will be sharing them here.  It is so inspiring and really makes me feel hopeful.  I know we can all get the feeling sometimes,that it will never happen.  Like you have to settle, because nobody’s perfect right?  Don’t do that to yourself, there is someone out there who will be just what you are looking for and guess what?  They are looking for you too, and it’s going to be so worth the wait.  xo-K

My two cents:  see your beauty, know your worth and just know you are going to get exactly what you want.

♥♥♥

One of my favorite ways to get ready, or “pre-pave” in Abraham-Hick lingo, is to imagine.  Not creative, you say? I beg to differ, my darling. We are always imagining stuff. More often than not, we imagine the worst rather than the best. How do I know? You can tell how you’re thinking by the words you use. Phrases like “just my luck” or “yeah, right!” are symptoms of a negative imagination.

What if instead, we started imagining a better future instead of the same dreary, uninspired one we’ve been hauling around behind us all our lives like some kind of moth-eaten hunting trophy? Instead of feeling all boohoo, nothing good ever happens to me and then secretly hoping that something good does manage to fight its way through our defenses, we imagine something that we want, like oh, happiness?  Remember, you don’t have to figure out how to get happy all we have to do is figure out how to be happy and all the rest will follow.

One of my favorite ways to get over my own  habitual thinking, is to imagine a scenario in my mind, start pretending it’s so, and then allow the good feelings to flow. Lately, I’ve been feeling what it’s like to have my perfect partner in my life. When I’m getting ready for work, I’ll imagine that he’s in the next room, reading the paper or writing emails, planning his day.  Or, I’ll be driving, and imagine that the evening ahead is already planned: a quiet dinner, just the two of us. Or I’ll be running my Saturday errands, and imagine that he’s out running man errands, and we’ll meet up in the afternoon for a bike ride out along the river, or a movie in town. These are not full blown fantasies, they are simply small, quiet thoughts that make me feel happy.

Albert Einstein said, “imagination is more important than knowledge.”  Dude knew something. I’m going with that.  Practice feeling the feeling! It costs nothing and offers big rewards. Huge. Love, C

My two cents: practice feeling how you want to feel and the universe will bend over backwards to second that emotion.

two a T

C and I have been friends for years.  We are so alike but so different. Different political views, different educational background, different family background, you name it.   As I have noted before we live in different states and are blogging remotely and are on the phone constantly.  Even before we started this blog, we were  working on our “stuff.” We always seemed to be kinda on a similar path, spiritually and in our relationships with men.  And at one point we even thought we were dating the same guy. . . .

So one day, C comes in to the salon and she is just glowing.  I met someone! she exclaimed.  “Wow,” I said, “That’s awesome.  I’m so excited for you!”  I had just started dating someone myself but it was still so new, I let her go first.  His name is “T,” she went into all the stats of her new beau and I felt — actually I don’t know what I felt in that moment it was so long ago –but I do remember that I too, was dating a guy named “T” and it was all sounding very familiar. Like she was talking about my guy.  So many similarities: same line of business, check; age, check; boat, check. There was one big thing that we were going to find out later on down the line.  Neither one of these handsome suitors, and yes we did eventually get them into the same room together at one point, was ever going to commit to either one of us. . . ever.

And I have to say it was not for lack of creative manipulation on both of our parts. We worked it, in every way we could. We spent a lot of time and energy talking about how elusive the little buggers were and how we were going to be so amazing and indispensable that there was no way they would ever want to let either of us go.

Thinking back on that time, we spent so much time dissecting every conversation we each had with our “T’s,” getting each others’ opinion on what the other thought he meant by that comment he made or didn’t make.  If men only knew what women really talked about when they weren’t around!  Oh my, well it’s just a good thing they don’t.  So much drama, my head hurts just thinking about it.

Instead of just living in the moment, letting whatever is supposed to happen happen and actually enjoying someone’s company, we  always have to be planning the future and every move someone makes has to have some hidden meaning, doesn’t it?  Some clue as to what is going to happen next or not happen. . . .

Years later and after hundreds of hours logged on via telephone between C and me, both of the “Ts” were history. C had her end after being left on the side of the road after a disagreement during what was supposed be a romantic getaway in Maui. As for me, I just got tired of running back and forth between two houses with a duffel bag and waiting for someone who was supposed to love me to ask me to stay in one place permanently.

They were the ones who couldn’t commit, we cried,  as we had what would be one of many pity parties.  We were there and we were ready, they were the ones with the problems, right?  We both felt so justifiably hurt and angry.  So. . . why do you think that both of these confirmed bachelors were married to the next girls they dated after we broke it off with them?  Ouch!

Maybe they were not the ones with the commitment issues after all.

To be continued…. xo-K

My two cents:  Relationships are like mirrors, what is being reflected back to you is always YOU.

♥♥♥

Okay, no one ever said this work was easy, but sometimes you have to just allow yourself to laugh about it, right??  I remember that golden day, sitting in K’s salon, having told her all about my new beau. I remember thinking it was such a funny coincidence that our two T’s were so similar.  Yeah, the cosmos has quite a sense of humor!

I met my T on my back porch. Literally. I woke up one morning, and wearing little more than an over-sized denim shirt, stumbled into my living room, and gazed out the sliding window at what looked like a Norse god. Yum. I opened the door and said, “what the hell are you doing on my porch? Tell me quick or I’m calling the cops!” Or something friendly like that. Hey! A girl living alone doesn’t take chances when strange men appear on her doorstep. Oh, wait.

Anyway, it all seemed meant to be. I mean seriously? My doorstep! The first time we kissed was like jumping into the path of a runaway train. No going back, baby. Was he The One? Oh, heck no. Did he show up in my life to teach me lessons? Big time. He was one of my biggest projects to date. And for that, a part of me will always love him for it. I’ll even love the fact that one week after he dropped me off on the side of the road in Maui, he IM’d me to tell me he was getting married. And today? I’m soooo glad I wasn’t the one he married. And I’m about 99.999 percent sure that K is over the moon she didn’t marry her T, either.

Every relationship you have is really about one person: you. So, here’s the deal. You can work on your “stuff” in a relationship, or you can work on it outside a relationship. It’s just easier when there’s two. Marianne Williamson says that relationships are like rock tumblers for the soul. They rub off all the sharp edges.

You would have thought that the T’s put us off love, but au contraire, mon amie! We still believe in the fairy tale ending. Love, C

My two cents: each relationship you have gives you exactly what you need to heal, in the moment. Bless it them all, especially the so-called bad ones.

texting isn’t dating

Dating in the digital age is not for the faint of heart, is it? There are so many more options today than ever before in the history of this crazy little blue marble rolling around in space.

One of my dear new friends in my new home town met the love of her life before the digital dating phenom got rolling. She and her gal pals were sharing dinner out one night lamenting the single life (as women have been doing since the dawn of time), and one thing led to another. Before the night ended, these smart, sexy, sassy women all made a pact to run a post in one of the local weekly papers known for concert reviews, leftist political views, and explicit and not-so-explicit classified personal ads.

My friend ran her ad and got several responses. She made such an impression on one guy she met for coffee that he canceled the date he had with another lady he’d connected with from the classifieds. Throughout their courtship, my friend’s sweetheart wooed her by writing her one romantic letter a month for 36 months. At then end of the third year of love letters, he proposed. omg! Such a love story.

Fast forward to 2010: now we have online dating services and cell phones and text messages. We are dating in a digital age no one ever dreamed of. People still meet in the produce aisle, at church picnics, on the bus.  They also meet in cyberspace with photos and bios and various fictional versions of their their life stories.  Since venturing into the cyber-classifieds, I’ve taken the necessary precautions to avoid cyber-creeps. But I’ve always said you can meet a creep at an ice-cream social, so caveat emptor is the motto of  dating adults everywhere.

So recently, I found myself exchanging emails and text messages with a person of interest.  Yes, we met online, so the email and texting are not entirely unrelated to the whole e-dating process.  The thing is, we’ve met in-person. Clear and mutual interest was expressed by both parties. We even touched lips,  swapped spit. . . And yet? No forward movement. I figured, he’s just not that into me and was prepared to move on. Then we started up with the texts and flirty emails again. It was fun, but no hints about meeting up. Started to feel weird. Of course, K and I talked about it. The radar started to pingpingping. It’s not natural to meet someone you like and not want to spend time together. Unless. . .unless. Okay, girls. We all know what that “unless” means.  Something’s not on the up and up. The story isn’t holding together. We’ve all been in that place where our intuition started to warn us off and we ignored it, haven’t we? Can we all agree to not do that anymore?

The truth is, texting is not dating. Emails are not a relationship. Romance at a distance is the safety valve for someone who isn’t really ready for love. Not that any one of these things is wrong. Unless you want an authentic relationship, which every goddess is worthy of, btw.  I’m just sayin.’ Love, C

My two cents: be willing to walk away and never  settle for less than you really want!

♥♥♥

As I have mentioned before, I have been on dating hiatus for a while and don’t have experience with digital dating, but I do know a thing or10 about signs and when actions and words don’t jive.  So when C filled me in on what was going on with Mr. e-mailer/texter, something definitely was feeling a little off to me.  I totally understand emailing and such in the beginning of online dating, it’s fun, flirty and relatively safe.  Who hasn’t experienced the giddy feeling of opening up your inbox in the morning to a fun little note from a boy you are interested in.  That can go on for as long or short a period as the two people involved feel comfortable with.  For me and my experience with blind dating, I would rather get right to it.  Physical attraction is a big thing and I think a lot gets lost in translation when your only communication is email and text. So when I meet someone new for a coffee or a glass of wine I usually get a pretty good read if I am going to be interested in moving forward right away.  It is usually a, oh yea, yippee, he looks cool, or, there is no way in hell.

I am not being superficial and I am not talking about just the way someone looks, it’s more than that.  It is their vibe, the feeling you get when you are face to face with someone that as flirty as a text is it’s just never the same.

So back to said dilemma, what if there seems to be mutual interest between you and Mr. blind date/online guy and things go back to just texting and e-mailing?  I can’t say that that has ever happened to me but it doesn’t sound like something I would spend a lot of time with. . . but hey that’s me.  I guess maybe sometimes people want to take things slow but come on!!!

I guess it all goes back to knowing what exactly it is that you want and holding out for it.  I know for me no where on my list of things I want in a man is someone who is afraid of getting hurt so much  they have to move in reverse, nor am I looking for someone who doesn’t trust his own judgment.  But that’s my thing.  xo-K

My two cents:  Be true to yourself, know what you want in a relationship and never settle.

my funny Valentine~

I spent some time with my two sisters this Valentine’s Day. Naturally, they wanted to know what crazy thing I was up to, so I told them I was writing a blog about love, and they both kind of looked at me like ‘but why?’ I could barely explain, and then my darling sister from Oklahoma (we were born three years and a day apart) shared a voicemail with me that she received from her husband of 25+ years and I was reduced to a sappy love puddle and said see? This is what I’m talkin’ about! Mind you, we were near Vancouver, BC, and he was back home in their big, beautiful home on the plains two time zones away, and he called to leave this message in his gruff man voice: “I love you, and I miss you. Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart.”  Seriously, the love in his voice about killed me. Also, it totally inspired me. Just thought I’d share. Love, C&K

secret to a lasting marriage

A friend of mine was telling me of a woman, ninety years old, and married for over sixty-five years. When asked what  her secret for staying happily married for so many years was,  she replied, “There was never a time when one of us wasn’t in love”.  Love that! xo–K

would you rather be happy or right?

I was listening to super coach Michael Neil this morning on HayHouseRadio.com while getting ready for my day. I have to admit, that of all the Hay House show hosts, Michael is not always my favorite. Sometimes his everlasting cheerfulness dances on my last nerve! But this morning, his topic caught my interest. This morning he was talking about how to know when to push ahead when you come up against an obstacle to a goal, and when to say, ‘oh well, guess it wasn’t meant to be,’ and move on. Great question!

The short version of his answer boils down to this: do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? I apply this question to small issues, big issues, and everything in between! Personally, my answer is, I want to be happy because if right doesn’t make me happy, right isn’t going to get me where I want to go.

This doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat when it comes to negotiating terms with your spouse/neighbor/boss/sales clerk/what ev, not at all. It simply means you always have a choice about the outcome of a disagreement. Can you get what you want and still be right? Of course. But I’m talking about being able to step back and objectively look at a situation. Maybe it comes down to taking an honest inventory and looking at a deep drive to be right. Were you never right as a kid and as a consequence carried the need to be right into your adult life? Does the need to be right make you happy? Honestly? Does having to be right taint your relationships or hurt the ones you love?

When in doubt, consult your body. It never lies — seriously! Right now, think about something you feel super righteous about, something you feel ready to fight for because you feel the truth is on your side. Now, switch your thoughts from your head to your body. How does the need to be right feel? Does it feel hard, rigid, dark, afraid? No doubt! On the other hand, think about letting go of the need to be right, and choosing just once, just for a minute, to be happy instead. How does that feel? To me, that choice feels soft, creative, spontaneous, calm. Now, which feeling would you rather carry around with you as you move about your world?

The thing is, life is complicated. Messy. But when you realize that you’re the one who gets to create your life based on the thoughts you think, the beliefs you construct, and a few guiding principles, it gets simple, fast. Deciding to be happy is a guiding principle in my life. It makes things very, very simple. And call me crazy, but simple works for me! Love, C

My two cents: every moment is a chance to be happy. Choose happy, and everything else falls into place.

***

I used to feel the only way I could be happy was if I was right.  Man, was that exhausting.  Having to expend all that energy trying to convince people that my way was the best way, or rather the only way, was intense.  God forbid someone didn’t agree with me,  let alone be unhappy with me.

I got that I had to let go of being right all the time, I absolutely choose happy.  I actually like not being right or not knowing something; it causes me to grow and learn and expand so much, it’s amazing.  The big one for me and I am sure you too, is feeling okay if someone is mad at me.

I used to run a thing in my head over and over again, saying it  a different way every time to see what would be the perfect way to make my point, have the person I was talking to get what I was saying and not be mad at me.  Control much??  Instead of just speaking my truth, and letting the chips fall where they may, I had to say it in a way as to not hurt feelings, or ruffle feathers.  But if you do that, what you are saying doesn’t match up to your energy, your non-verbal communication, and the person really doesn’t know what you’re trying to say.  What a mess.

So now I am free. If I have something on my mind, I say it.  If I have issue with someone, I express it.  I no longer wait for the  right time,  because timing is everything, right?  No, the right time to talk about something is when it is happening, when you are feeling it.  

This has been challenging most of all, with my teenage daughter.  Nobody wants their kid to be mad at them, but I will tell you one thing, when someone knows exactly where they stand with you and you match your words and your vibration up when you talk to them, they get exactly what you are saying.  She might get a little upset with me. I am finally fine with that.  It is okay for her to feel how she feels and be mad at me if I say or do something she doesn’t like.  Allowing someone to feel how they feel and accepting it is just like choosing to be right or be happy, in a way.  And I’m choosing happy all the way!!! xo-K

My two cents:  Be true to yourself , don’t let things get too out of hand and there is nothing you can’t handle.

 

the unimaginable life

I want to give a shout-out to Kenny Loggins, who wrote The Unimaginable Life book and companion cd many years ago. Up until that point I had never witnessed a conscious  spiritual relationship, let alone imagined that it was even possible.    Thanks Kenny, for showing me that I could be on a spiritual path with a partner. xo-K

I prayed every night and day for something to believe, some brand of magic that could lift me up and bring me to my knees, and there you where. “Just Breath,”  —  Kenny Loggins

it’s all about the love, baby!

In honor of Valentine’s Day, we’re going to do a little something special. Love  it or hate it, you get what you focus on. Don’t be a hater! Let’s all manifest a little extra love in our lives. In addition to our regular posts for the next few weeks, we’re going to offer tasty morsels of love. What’s your love story? Let’s all make a little magic! Love, C & K

“Only love is real. Nothing else exists.”  — Marianne Williamson

dating my dad

You know how it is. I took a much needed hiatus after my last relationship.  The one I thought was “the one.”  I was excited for my best friend from So Cal. to meet him.  She and her husband were coming for the weekend  and we were meeting the b.f. for dinner.  I thought the evening went great and the reviews would be the same, but at the end of the night my girlfriend  looked at me and said “K, what are you doing?  “You’re dating your dad.”  As soon as the words left her mouth I knew she was right.

All the things about him  I didn’t like but that seemed so comfortable and familiar.  You know what I am talking about, the things you are so drawn to yet almost immediately work to change.  All the things I didn’t like about my dad, all the unfinished, unhealed pieces rolled up in one guy that I was totally crazy about.  And I do mean crazy.  I loved him but didn’t really like him that much. Sometimes I even resented him.  He was just being himself having no idea that a critical comment or observation he was making left me feeling like I was 6 or10 or some other point in my childhood when my father made a similar statement.  Back then I just filed it away someplace in my body, like an unwanted gift to be opened later, or never.  Well, I guess the time was now.  Ahhh, unfinished business, don’t you love it.

But this had been a long time coming.  I always knew I had “stuff”  with my dad.  His anger issues made me nervous and uneasy, he always was a bit grouchy and critical and negative.  He was definitely a “glass half empty kind of guy.   He wasn’t the type who was open to talking about this, or maybe it was me unwilling to talk to him about it. Yikes. . .scary.  So I did what I thought was the next best thing, I knew my issues with my dad were affecting my relationships so I got therapy. Many years, of therapy.  Got to some good stuff and felt clear and healed.  I no longer felt fear or resentment toward my dad. Or so I thought.

After my friend’s revelation, I had to admit that I had been dating my dad for years.  I went back through all of my significant relationships and yep, there it was, a pattern.  Uggg, I hate when that happens.   I had worked on all of this stuff for years, spent thousands of dollars in therapy. I thought I had healed my dad issues. I actually really liked him even.  I couldn’t  still have stuff to work out.

So what are these lessons?  Here’s my Ken doll theory of love.  Until you get clear about your “stuff,” you’ll keep attracting the same relationship. Even though your current guy has a different job, different hair, drives a different car, he’s the same guy. You think he’s different, but he has the same issues, “your issues”, that your last four boyfriends had.  It’s the same Ken doll, you just pop a new head on. This new guy is “totally new,” right? But the reason it didn’t work out ends up being the same reason the last one didn’t work out,and the one before him.  It just played out slightly differently.  This pattern keeps repeating for a reason, so you can see that this is your issue, your fear, your work you need to do.  Bottom line, it’s just the illusion of something different.  Hi Ken, it’s you again.   Give it some thought, maybe we can figure this out together.

Well I’ve got some work to do, wish me luck, I will keep you posted. xo- K

My two cents:  When you see a pattern pay attention, there are no coincidences.

♥♥♥

OMG. I remember the day I realized that I had married my dad. I was in therapy because I wanted to leave my marriage and like a good Catholic girl, felt totally guilty about it. He was the quintessential nice guy. Everybody loved him. Life of the party. Stable  career. Didn’t stay out all night,  didn’t cheat. And yet I felt that I would suffocated if I didn’t go. My therapist and I talked about how we base our beliefs of how relationships should work by studying our parents. I was mortified. Not only to realize that I was acting out my mother on a subconscious level (nooooooo!), but that I had chosen for my spouse someone who resonated with me on the same level as my dad. I never had sex with my husband again after that. It seemed so wrong on so many levels, I didn’t know where to start.

Harvel Hendrix has a wonderful book called Getting The Love You Want. It’s an amazing guide that looks at the architecture of a healthy, nurturing relationship, and also looks at the spiritual health of a couple. Hendrix describes four levels of romantic love. The first is the feeling is one of deja vu — like you’ve known each other forever. In a way, you have. You are each resonating to the feelings that this new person sparks in you that feel familiar to the feelings you felt from your original love objects: you parents. The next step is a feeling of  finding something you’ve been looking for. I call this the “oh there you are” syndrome.  We look and look for someone to make us feel the way we think love is supposed to feel. The third step is a feeling of completion, of wholeness. The final step is a feeling that you can’t imagine a life without this person who makes you feel this incredible love.  When you’re in the throes of these love steps, you are blissed out on romantic love. Endorphins are firing, you feel fully alive.

If you’re exceptionally lucky, you and your beloved maintain these wonderful feelings and you live happily ever after. The rest of us go down the slippery slope of disillusionment and pain of a breakup, and look for the lesson in the chaos so we can avoid that mess forever and ever, amen! But disillusionment is tricky. It’s sticky and seductive and its easy to get stuck there.

How about this. How about once your recognize your relationship pattern of choosing the overly critical person again and again, living out a Groundhog Day kind of romantic existence, you stop and sit with it. Maybe in addition to being highly critical, your dad has qualities that are good and noble and worthy.  You maybe want to jettison the critical guy, but maybe he’s loyal, or generous, or would slay dragons to protect his family. Those are qualities your dad has too. Maybe those are worth keeping on your “man of my dreams” list. Thanks for checking in! Love, C

My two cents: Every relationship is a gift and if you allow yourself to appreciate the good as well as the bad, it will bring you a step closer to the real deal.

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