what were you THINKING?

You spend a lot of time traveling around in your head.  Uh-huh, that’s right. You know what I mean. Forget about going to Paris or Tahiti. You’re traveling around in your head so much, you’re anywhere but here. You probably log in more travel miles in five minutes that you spent on your actual vacation last year! You’re not alone. We all do it. It’s neither good nor bad, it’s just not an effective way to live. In case it matters.

Now. No matter where we are or what we’re doing, we’re always thinking about something that happened six years ago or something someone said yesterday or what we wish we said when that happened or what we’re afraid might happen tomorrow. Sound familiar? We’re almost never fully present where we are, right now. It gets even more complicated, when you start listing the ideas that really matter to you. Take love, for instance. Where are you with that? The last guy, the one before him? Your first crush? Chances are, on this one topic, you’re anywhere but here. Now.

Please. I am so not perfect. I just bring it up because it’s what I’m working on.

Our teacher, Abraham-Hicks says that focusing your thoughts for 68 seconds is enough to begin attracting the object of your attention into your world. Cool! Scary!

As much as I try to work on being present in the moment, I catch myself doing one thing and thinking something else. What’s wrong with that, you say. Isn’t multi-tasking a good thing, you say? It depends. If thoughts are like dollars, and you get what you “invest” your thoughts in but toss out pennies for every passing idea that floats by that space behind your eyes, you’re not really placing any value, or focused thought, on any one thing. Nothing wrong with that. Unless there’s something you’d like to change about your life, or bring in, or have. This takes practice. But like any new skill, you can achieve single-minded focus with practice. If it’s true that you create your future by your thoughts now, you gotta pay attention to your thoughts minute by minute.

I know, I know, easier said than done. I have a favorite new online guru. Stephen Russell goes by the name Barefoot Doctor and has lots of Zen wisdom to share. He’s also a music producer, so he offers these amazing online meditation pods that are crazy-transcendent. Anyway, as much as I sit down and plug in with the intention of listening placidly to one of the good Doctor’s guided meditations, I inevitably catch myself wandering around in my head. Darn! There I am, working on getting all Zen and yummy and grounded, and there I am, re-running a conversation from last week. Gah! Makes me wonder how much time any of us spend right here, right NOW. I’m working on it, baby! Love, C

My two cents: You want a future relationship? Pay attention to what you’re thinking NOW.

***

So, what the heck are you thinking?  In The Secret, Michael Beckwith says,”Thoughts Are Things.”  Abraham-hicks says, “You get what you think about whether you want it or not, AND what manifests is always a perfect  indication of what you’ve had going vibrationally.” Wait, what??

For the last few years I have been really staying conscious of my thoughts, where they are going and what ends up manifesting, and I can tell you this advice is spot on.  Plus, the more you are aware of it, the faster it seems to happen.  Sometimes when I am working with a client, doing their hair, I almost feel like a psychic.  I can listen to how they are talking and know, what they will be telling me when they come back in 4 or 6 weeks just by what they are putting out there right now.  They will go on and on about what they don’t want, and guess what?  Next time I see them that is exactly what has happened.

So for me, I practice thinking the thought that I want.  When my mind goes off to a problem, and it does from time to time,  it is so obvious to me that if I want to go there, I will get results I don’t want.

This is so funny: as I’m writing this, my Blackberry is buzzing.  I just got an e-mail from The Secret Daily Teachings, I get those every month or so, and what it says is “Whatever feelings you have within you are attracting your tomorrow.  Worry attracts more worry.   Anxiety attracts more anxiety.  Unhappiness attracts more unhappiness.  Dissatisfaction attracts more dissatisfaction. AND… Joy attracts more joy. Happiness attracts more happiness.  Peace attracts more peace.  Gratitude attracts more gratitude. Love attracts more love”.  It goes on and on.  The point being: focus on what you want and it will come in, whether you like it or not.  So seek out things/thoughts, that bring you joy.  Focus on what you love and let the worry and problems take care of themselves.

Things always work out in the end, they really do.  You just get to choose whether you worry and stress out and they work out, or you relax, have fun, be in joy, and they work out.  Your choice.  Remember, life is supposed to be fun!  xo-K

My two cents:   Regarding relationships or anything else you want in life, If you have the wherewithal to want it, the Universe has the wherewithal to bring it to you.

 

the unimaginable life

I want to give a shout-out to Kenny Loggins, who wrote The Unimaginable Life book and companion cd many years ago. Up until that point I had never witnessed a conscious  spiritual relationship, let alone imagined that it was even possible.    Thanks Kenny, for showing me that I could be on a spiritual path with a partner. xo-K

I prayed every night and day for something to believe, some brand of magic that could lift me up and bring me to my knees, and there you where. “Just Breath,”  —  Kenny Loggins

happy together

My first example of a happy marriage started off, well at the beginning.  My parents, married right out of high school, first love, still married and in love 47+ years later.  Great example right, so. . . what the heck happened to me?

Here I am at 46, still trying to figure this all out.  I didn’t come from a horrible, broken family.  My family was small but solid.  So why at the age when hormones were raging did I basically proclaim to God, Universe, Angels, or whoever was up there listening, “I’m never getting married!”

I’ve been close  a few times, but because of the whole self fulfilling prophecy thing, I’ve always managed to pick the guys who I seemed to want to marry but for some reason knew on some subconscious level, were safe to get close to, but no cigar.  What the heck was I so afraid of?  I did want to get married right?  I did want to share my life with someone.

I had totally forgot about my teenage proclamation until just a few years ago.  I remember feeling it, and I do mean feeling it.  At that point in time I swore I was never going to get married and there was a lot of emotion and steam behind it.

So I have been trying to figure this out for the last few years and I have come up with a few things that  I thought I’d share.  I think that I was under the impression that all marriages are created equal,  there  is really just one kind:  he gets his way all the time, she has to sacrifice, and so do the kids. (So is it any surprise that I became a single parent and not a wife?  Just asking.)

Thinking about it now, it just seems crazy. It is amazing the impressions made on you as a young child, and how you just take them on without ever questioning them.  I watched my mom all those years and even now,  she doesn’t seem to mind giving my dad his way, catering to him, she even seems to enjoy it.  So what I see as a sacrifice is not for her.  Wait, so there is not just one kind of marriage?  I think that the sacrifice version of marriage is what I’ve been carrying around with me all these years and it didn’t seem fun to me so I wasn’t going to do it.  Wow, that’s quite a revelation.

So after much thought, reading, studying and just talking to my friends and clients, I finally got that all marriages are not the same.  I don’t have to have my parent’s marriage.  OMG, really? It seems so simple but most people go through life on auto- pilot not really knowing that there are choices and options about the way their life plays out. I think this is enlightening.

So now I know that I get to pick, what kind of marriage I want to have.  The way I want to live. I am sure there will be compromises just like with anything but I don’t have to have my parents marriage.  I can find someone who I will be happy with, just like my mom did.  Now, isn’t that  ironic.  xo-K

My two cents:  You can’t look at someone else’s life from your vantage point and get the true picture.

***

I was the first one to get divorced in my family. No wait, that’s not true. My uncle got divorced. Three times. But he was disreputable. He gambled and smoked and told dirty jokes. I wasn’t disreputable, just unhappy. When my marriage was splitting up, my soon-to-be-ex told me, “I would have stuck it out with you.” Gosh, I thought. That’s what every girl wants to hear. But then, I thought I’d already be married again by now. My ex was married within a year of our divorce. To a woman he went to grad school with while we were still together.  I’m happy for them. I hope he sticks it out with her.

I had never been a little girl who dreamed of having a Barbie wedding and marrying Ken. I just assumed it would happen and things would work out, and we’d have a life. My parents have been married forever, and I can’t imagine them apart. My sister has left her husband, but she won’t divorce him. She doesn’t love him, but she won’t defile the sanctity of marriage even though he’s a devil dog and abusive and hurtful.

The thing is, I don’t want to settle for what anyone else thinks is the “right” path. I don’t believe that there’s only one perfect mate out there. I think there are perfect people who are perfect for us at certain points in our life.  This means that you don’t just get one perfect One. You get several perfect ones. And since we don’t know how long we get on this spin around the planet, why not just enjoy the ride and stop worrying about who’s married for how long, and to whom? It will happen when it’s right. And if “forever” means five years or fifty, it’s perfect in its own way. A very smart friend told me recently, “what’s forever in the span of eternity?” I like that perspective, because as it turns out, I’m in it for the long haul. Love, C

My two cents: I’m adopting Abraham-Hicks’ philosophy on love: “I like you pretty good, let’s see how it goes.”

match got your tongue?

Not long ago, I joined an online dating service. I recently moved to a new city, am working and networking, and after a year, finally feel ready to start auditioning candidates for the starring role in my next great love story. It’s actually quite an interesting process, if you’ve never done it. It’s a little like catalog shopping, where you’re both the catalog and the shopper. Anyway.

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Fifth Element. In this sci-fi film, Bruce Willis plays Corben Dallas, a retired cop/cab driver in the year 2214. Dallas is motoring along, minding his own business one day, when Leeloo (Milla Jojovich) falls out of the sky and into the back seat of his cab. He doesn’t know it, but she’s the fifth element (love). All he knows, is the minute he lays eyes on her, he’s smitten. Wouldn’t it be nice if finding your match was that easy?

Last week I received an email from a guy who seemed to fit some of my more compelling requirements. Has a job. Posts a nice series of photos. Loves his labrador retriever. He’s not Corben Dallas, but cute enough. We exchange a couple of exploratory emails. I’m witty and charming, he’s funny and down to earth. We have some things in common. I start to feel a little tingly.  This is probably my favorite phase of cyber dating. You trade puns, share flattering secrets about yourself, you cyber flirt. It’s safe, it’s fun, it’s fraught with possibility.

After a couple of friendly emails, he suggests we meet. Actually, he says he’d like to treat me to dinner at a local restaurant. So retro, I think. So sweet! We exchange a few more emails pending our Date, and I share them with K. He’s funny! I tell her. Isn’t that cute? I have a feeling about this, she says. I know, I say, right?

And then a quirky thing happened. The evening of our Date, he called to adjust our meeting time and I was at a loss for words. This never happens to me. . . ask K! I have a word for every occasion. Talking to people is a major part of my job, and I’m sort of good at it. Cocktail parties, fundraisers, seminars, you name it, I can talk it. Oh, well, I thought, and glossed over my little social hiccup. You can’t always be a sparkling conversationalist, right? And then we met at the assigned time and it happened again, this weird, stumbling, foot-in-the-mouth feeling. What the heck? Again, I blew it off. We had a nice enough time, two strangers eating food at the same table.

Needless to say, it wasn’t a match. Nice guy, nice girl, no sweeping sunset finale. Although we did see a coyote outside the restaurant window, which was surreal and magical. But I digress. This is what I think happened. Two people seemingly a fair match, meet up. But in this case, the two people are slightly out of phase, like a three-D movie without the glasses. Sort of fuzzy. Not quite in focus, like a movie where the picture and the dialogue are out of sync. He’s not my guy. I’m not his girl. Do I feel defeated? Not in the least! Say tuned — the adventure continues.  Love, C

My two cents: Sometimes dessert comes first. Enjoy the tingly, flirty phase of infinite possibility.

***

I have to say I am no expert in online dating, and since I’m on sabbatical from dating at the moment, I’ll have to dig into the archives of first date/ blind dates memories. And boy, I’ve had  my share of those!

There is nothing more fun and exciting than when you have been hoping to meet someone new, someone big, and a friend, co-worker, or even a dating website tells you they think they have found the someone that you’ve been looking for.  After you get the lowdown of what he does, what he likes, and what he looks like along with a bunch of other important and trivial information that sounds good, admit it. . . don’t you start to go there?

Oh, you know what I mean:  you haven’t met him in person yet, maybe you’ve  exchanged some lengthy e-mails, maybe had a phone call or two.  You decide it’s going pretty well and decide it’s time to meet in person, just something casual you say, coffee or a quick glass of wine.  No pressure, keep it breezy, but there you go. . . maybe this is my guy, maybe he is The One.  Off you go,  into the future with someone you haven’t even met yet.  Imagination going wild, and it’s all so exciting!!!  Could it really be this easy?

Don’t get me wrong here, I am not trying to make anyone, including myself, feel silly. Oh yeah, I’ve done it too, MANY times. And guess what?  IT’S FUN! Well, you don’t want to go too overboard with the whole anticipation thing.  You have to be somewhat  realistic, but in the time before the actual meeting, have fun with it.  Play the wouldn’t-it-be-nice-game.  Life is supposed to be fun and so is dating.  So what if your blind date isn’t a match.  Sure you might feel a little or a lot disappointed but don’t be hard on yourself.  It’s good practice in getting clear about what you want,  so try not to be too  bummed out if all you got out of the evening was dinner out.  And maybe one time, maybe even next time. . .your silly fantasy will come true!  And like I have said before and will probably say many times more, it only takes one  One. xo-K

My two cents:  Enjoy ALL aspects of you life as much as you can, and that includes dating.

how do you know when it’s time to go

Have you ever had a big break-up and upon reflection knew “the signs were there all along”? That’s the truth. The signs were always there, and I just didn’t want to see them — or more accurately, feel them.

How about instead of numbing ourselves to our feelings, we learn to get in touch with them? How about we train ourselves to know when it’s time to go by recognizing when we’ve  “hit the ick”?  I know I hit the ick when I get that “off” feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one I’d rather ignore but I’m so smart and so in control. Seriously?

How do you know what your personal warning sign feels like? Try this: think of a time when you were really happy. Now, locate where you feel that in your body. Got it? Now think of a time when you felt really bad, maybe even deceived. Where do you feel it in your body? That’s the ick. That’s your personal early warning system.

So, let’s say you’re sitting across a candlelit table from fabulous Mr. Current Candidate, having a jolly time telling stories and eating great food, then he says “that thing” and a small alarm goes off in your head and your stomach drops like you just flew into a patch of turbulence, and you know it: you hit the ick. At first, you’ll want to dismiss it. At first, you’ll want to say, but he’s so cute. And he drives the right car, and OMG, I haven’t had a date in centuries.

The signs that pop up initially are small. Easy to ignore or justify away. “He didn’t really mean that.” Or “I’m just too sensitive.” But that isn’t it. Your inner navigation system just hit a patch of ick, and it’s a free-will zone, so you’re free to ignore it. Free to rush blithely ahead toward the romance zone because after all, that’s the destination isn’t it? Or is the destination Peace, Harmony, Well-being?

I’ve never been sorry when I followed my intuition. I have been a whole lotta bummed when I ignored the early warning signs. It’s okay.  You’re free to ignore the signs of your soul trying to get your attention. You’re free to try to make a six into a ten. Don’t worry, the signs will get bigger until you can’t ignore them anymore. Personally, I’m done getting smacked with the cosmic two-by-four! I’m not perfect, but I’m getting better at  recognizing when my soul is trying to get my attention. And my soul wants me to have my perfect partner.

Life is supposed to be fun! Learning new things is a game! Making getting to know when you hit the ick a priority, and pretty soon you’ll be a master. Then, you’ll no longer ask how do you know when it’s time to go. You’ll have it down.  Love-C

My two cents: The universe is always conspiring to give you what you want.

***

Well isn’t that the $64,000 question?  They say you know when you know, but I say you know a lot sooner.

Ask your friends, they know.  If you don’t recall when your relationship went from “OMG this could be The One” to the “ick”, ask your friends.   You know which friends I’m talking about, the ones who love you unconditionally, the ones who want you to be happy, the ones who truly want you to have what you want.  Not people you know, but your friends.  The ones who have been on the other end of the phone, for hours on end at all times of day or night listening to you go at it ever since you entered the “ick”.  If you get to the point where you can draw a line down a piece of paper to list the pros and cons of your relationship, you’re in the “ick”. You don’t have to do this with The One, you just know. Change any of your beliefs? “ick”. Justifying? “ick”. Sacrificing? “ick”, settling… oh hell no!

I believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason. Some are here for the big lessons, you know the who they are, they come in and BAM,  in that moment, or week, month or 10 years they are The One.  Some are what I call “fillers”.  Fun, cute, sexy, just something to do, but you know they are just there to roll around with till The One comes along.  But if it is a “lesson” guy they do feel like The One and they ARE until you get the lesson and then guess what, now they aren’t, time to move on.

I know, I know, you don’t want to, you want it to stay, just like it was forever. Sorry sweetie, it can’t.  Once you have gotten from this guy what he came to teach you, it is time to take what you learned and move on and if you don’t,  it seems to all go to hell in a handbasket.

That is when the scramble starts.  And you know exactly what I mean by the scramble, don’t you? You reflect back to when it started to feel weird, he seemed different or maybe it was you.  You start to doubt yourself (did I say something or do something to upset him?).  Many nights of sleep are lost, wracking your brain about what possibly could  have happened.  When you exhaust yourself  or make yourself absolutely crazy you call on the troops, you enlist your girls to help you to try to figure out what you did and how you can get it back to the way it was before.  Guess what: you can’t. You hit the “ick”, party’s over. Lesson learned.  Sorry girl.  Time to move on.  xo-K

My two cents:  Exit before it gets ugly, keep him as a friend, or not and remember you only need one, “ONE”.